Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 40

WT Sharpe · 11-24-2009, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

I got that one --- but I was waiting for somebody (else) to ask why the goat was funny? The "no yarmulke, but bring a goat". I assume it's for sacrifice, but that doesn't seem funny ..... ? What did I miss?

The Rabbi was playing off stereotypes of Jews held by many outside the community. He has a great sense of humor, and is quite adept at putting people at ease. He was joking.

When he later had a heart attack and was recuperating in the hospital, I sent him a copy of that Fantastic Four comic whose final two panels are displayed in post 586 of this thread, along with my wishes for a speedy recovery.

WT Sharpe · 11-24-2009, 09:22 PM

The First Joke

Michelangelo

Mobile Mason · 11-25-2009, 05:40 PM

Abe is sitting on a bench in Green Park reading an anti-Semitic Newsheet. Solomon, his best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops --- in shock.   "What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Chronicle!"   Abe replies, "The Jewish Chronicle has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel---all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. This anti-Semitic paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews control the banks...the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!"

badgoodDeb · 11-25-2009, 07:29 PM

good one!

vivaldirules · 11-29-2009, 05:11 PM

A guy walks into a bar. Ouch!

.

kennyc · 11-29-2009, 05:56 PM

bet that made him drop his doughnut.

RWood · 12-09-2009, 10:16 AM

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from herSupervisorthat in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Verencat · 12-09-2009, 07:42 PM

WOOD!
I think I punctured Nate's spleen!

yvanleterrible · 12-10-2009, 05:46 PM

#15 is definitely my favorite and I am going to use it.

Wanna go shopping Cat?

Verencat · 12-10-2009, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

#15 is definitely my favorite and I am going to use it.

Wanna go shopping Cat?

Only if I'm aloud to do number 8, 11 and 14.

Ooh, and also: only if you buy me a pair of boots!

pilotbob · 12-10-2009, 11:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Verencat

Only if I'm aloud to do number 8, 11 and 14.

Ooh, and also: only if you buy me a pair of boots!

Like you've never done the Mission Impossible thing in a store yet. Pfft...

BOb

Verencat · 12-10-2009, 11:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

Like you've never done the Mission Impossible thing in a store yet. Pfft...

BOb

Nope, I swear I'm a Mission Impossible virgin. I did Indiana Jones many times over though.

montsnmags · 12-10-2009, 11:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Verencat

...I did Indiana Jones many times over though.

What? What did(n't) I say?

Cheers,
Marc (ain't 'alf jealous)

Verencat · 12-10-2009, 11:23 PM

I try to limit out loud fantasizing as much as I can, but sometimes, I just can't help it...

nohmi2 · 12-11-2009, 01:43 AM

The Bible According to KIDS

The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

11-25-2009, 05:40 PM	#588
Mobile Mason Resident Anglophile Posts: 76 Karma: 460 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Ohio, United States Device: Kindle 2	Abe is sitting on a bench in Green Park reading an anti-Semitic Newsheet. Solomon, his best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops --- in shock.   "What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Chronicle!"   Abe replies, "The Jewish Chronicle has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel---all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. This anti-Semitic paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews control the banks...the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!" Last edited by Mobile Mason; 11-25-2009 at 05:42 PM.

11-29-2009, 05:11 PM	#590
vivaldirules When's Doughnut Day? Posts: 10,059 Karma: 13675475 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Houston, TX, US Device: Sony PRS-505, iPad	A guy walks into a bar. Ouch! . Last edited by vivaldirules; 11-30-2009 at 07:05 AM.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Add from the Mobile Read Library?	danwdoo	Calibre	8	12-03-2014 06:03 PM
Good Day Eh!! :-)	Gedvondur	Introduce Yourself	12	07-22-2010 12:16 AM
Classic Is there a way to lighten the background?	rlsamson	Barnes & Noble NOOK	3	06-30-2010 04:56 PM
Read-in-Microsoft-Reader 1.1.3 add-in released	Alexander Turcic	Reading and Management	2	02-20-2006 03:47 AM

11-24-2009, 09:22 PM	#587
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	The First Joke Michelangelo

11-25-2009, 07:29 PM	#589
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,551 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	good one!

11-29-2009, 05:56 PM	#591
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,904 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	bet that made him drop his doughnut.

12-09-2009, 10:16 AM	#592
RWood Technogeezer Posts: 7,233 Karma: 1601464 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Virginia, USA Device: Sony PRS-500	After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target. Dear Mrs. Samuel, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from herSupervisorthat in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least: 15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

12-09-2009, 07:42 PM	#593
Verencat Wizard Posts: 2,615 Karma: 96491 Join Date: May 2009 Location: Montreal, Qc Device: xxx	WOOD! I think I punctured Nate's spleen!

12-10-2009, 05:46 PM	#594
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	#15 is definitely my favorite and I am going to use it. Wanna go shopping Cat?

12-10-2009, 11:23 PM	#599
Verencat Wizard Posts: 2,615 Karma: 96491 Join Date: May 2009 Location: Montreal, Qc Device: xxx	I try to limit out loud fantasizing as much as I can, but sometimes, I just can't help it...

12-11-2009, 01:43 AM	#600
nohmi2 Pensively observing. Posts: 1,758 Karma: 12675456 Join Date: Jun 2008 Device: Varied.	The Bible According to KIDS The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected: In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.