Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 39

Lady Blue · 11-23-2009, 07:28 AM

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Slite · 11-23-2009, 07:28 AM

Is it time for Christmas Cracker jokes soon?

WT Sharpe · 11-23-2009, 09:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mobile Mason

Q: What's the Jews ultimate dilemma?
A: Half-priced pork.

note: I had a rabbi tell me this joke, so don't be stupid...

Being raised protestant and largely ignorant of Jewish ways; the first time I ever attended a service at a local Reform Temple, I asked the Rabbi if I would have to wear a yarmulke. He replied, "No, but bring a goat."

devilsadvocate · 11-23-2009, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Being raised protestant and largely ignorant of Jewish ways; the first time I ever attended a service at a local Reform Temple, I asked the Rabbi if I would have to wear a yarmulke. He replied, "No, but bring a goat."

*DRUM HIT*

Mobile Mason · 11-23-2009, 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Being raised protestant and largely ignorant of Jewish ways; the first time I ever attended a service at a local Reform Temple, I asked the Rabbi if I would have to wear a yarmulke. He replied, "No, but bring a goat."

I swear that Rabbis pass along humour books on Jews. XD

Dave Berk · 11-24-2009, 05:59 AM

Some (hopefully) tasteful Jewish jokes:

A women give to her only son two ties as a present. Since he knows his mother all too well, on his weekly visit to her he wear one of the ties. She takes one look at him at the door and says: So you don't like the other one...

An old Jewish father calls his son who lives in New York from Miami and says: "Son, I'm sorry to ruin your day, but me and your mom have had enough. We're divorcing. 50 years of pain is too much."
"Pa, what are you talking about?" asks the surprised son.
"We can't bear each other's company anymore" says the father, "Sorry to tell you this, but it's the truth. Call your sister in Chicago and give her the news. I can't bear to have this conversation again with her too."
So the brother calls his sister in shock and gives her the news.
She tells him "I'll handle this!". She immediately calls the father and scream at him: "I'm calling Billy now, We are taking the next plane to Miami and by tomorrow morning we're there. Don't do anything rush till we get there!".
So the father hang the phone and tells his his wife: "There, what did I tell you, Amily dear, they're coming for Passover and they're paying for their tickets!".

Two Jewish fellas are meeting:
One asks: "How are you, been a long time since we met".
His friend answers: "Well I just came back from a visit to Kruger National Park".
"Oh, how was it?"
"Terrible. My car got stuck. I ran into a huge lion, and when I turn to run back there was a stampede of Buffalos rushing towards me..."
"How come you're still alive?"
"You call this a living?"

A priest and a rabbi go to try a new barber shop for the first time.
After the haircut the priest asks - how much for the haircut? so the barber answers, for you, father, it's free. The priest thanks him and the day after the barber finds an extra hundred dollar on his table.
The rabbi also have an haircut. After, he asks the barber, how much for the haircut? The barber answers: for you, rabbi, it's for free. The day after, the barber finds a hundred rabbis waiting for him at opening time...

An old Jewish woman goes to visit rabbi Schumer.
She says, “My dog is very sick. I want you to pray for him to get well.”
“Well, ” says the rabbi, “We only pray for human being, not for animals or livestock.”
“OK,” says she, “If that’s the attitude you’re going to take, I’ll go and give my 10,000$ to rabbi Cohen from across the street to pray for my dog.”
“10,000$?” says the rabbi, “Wait! Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Jewish?”

An old Jewish man is dying. It’s a sad day. All his family are gathered around his bed.
“Bill? Is that you?”
“Yes, dear father.”
“Johnny, you here?”
“Yes, father, anything you want?”
“Sharon? Naomi?”
“We’re here, pa, everyone is here.”
“Then why is the bathroom light on?”

pdurrant · 11-24-2009, 07:38 AM

A kosher joke...

A very observant jew dies, and goes to heaven. Heaven is wonderful - marvellous things everywhere, to do and to see and to eat. But after a couple of days, the angels notice that the new arrival hasn't eaten anything.

"Why haven't you been eating?" asks one of the angels, "Is there something you'd like to eat that isn't here?"
"No, it all looks wonderful," says the man, "but how can I be sure it's kosher?"
"This is heaven," says the angel, "all the food in heaven is kosher, prepared under the supervision of the Lord our God himself!"
"Oh," says the man, "in that case I might try an orange."

kennyc · 11-24-2009, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

A kosher joke...

A very observant jew dies, and goes to heaven. Heaven is wonderful - marvellous things everywhere, to do and to see and to eat. But after a couple of days, the angels notice that the new arrival hasn't eaten anything.

"Why haven't you been eating?" asks one of the angels, "Is there something you'd like to eat that isn't here?"
"No, it all looks wonderful," says the man, "but how can I be sure it's kosher?"
"This is heaven," says the angel, "all the food in heaven is kosher, prepared under the supervision of the Lord our God himself!"
"Oh," says the man, "in that case I might try an orange."

Huh?

.

pdurrant · 11-24-2009, 07:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

Huh?

I'm not sure an explanation will help. Perhaps I should have emphasized that he was excessively observant?

kennyc · 11-24-2009, 08:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

I'm not sure an explanation will help. Perhaps I should have emphasized that he was excessively observant?

I guess I'm still missing something. I thought the whole point of something being kosher was that it had been declared so by a rabbi, etc.

If there is something about oranges being not kosher that must be what I'm missing.

I've seen water labeled as "kosher"

pdurrant · 11-24-2009, 08:44 AM

Fruit with unbroken skin is always kosher. The joke is that he's so observant he doesn't even take an Angel's word that food is kosher.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

I guess I'm still missing something. I thought the whole point of something being kosher was that it had been declared so by a rabbi, etc.

kennyc · 11-24-2009, 08:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

Fruit with unbroken skin is always kosher. The joke is that he's so observant he doesn't even take an Angel's word that food is kosher.

I see. Thank you. Sorry for my ignorance.

learn something every day.

pdurrant · 11-24-2009, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

I I thought the whole point of something being kosher was that it had been declared so by a rabbi, etc.

And that reminds me of another one...

A jewish couple are driving through the countryside, when a pheasant runs out in front of their car and is killed. They stop and pick it up, intending to have a nice roast pheasant dinner. But then they wonder whether it's kosher - it would be normally, but perhaps the manner of its death is a problem.

So they drive round to their Rabbi's house to ask him. He ponders a bit, consults a reference or two, and then says that he thinks it's not kosher, and that they should leave it with him for disposal.

The next evening, they happen to call at the Rabbi's again for something unimportant to this story. To their surprise, they find the Rabbi about to tuck into roast pheasant.

"Well," says their Rabbi, "I asked my Rabbi, and he said it was OK..."

WT Sharpe · 11-24-2009, 11:00 AM

Fantastic Four (Vol. 3) #56 (published August 2002)

"Remembrance of Things Past" written by Karl Kesel, pencilled by Stuart Immonen, and inked by Scott Koblish.

badgoodDeb · 11-24-2009, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

I see. Thank you. Sorry for my ignorance.

learn something every day.

I got that one --- but I was waiting for somebody (else) to ask why the goat was funny? The "no yarmulke, but bring a goat". I assume it's for sacrifice, but that doesn't seem funny ..... ? What did I miss?

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11-23-2009, 07:28 AM	#571
Lady Blue the snarky blue one Posts: 6,001 Karma: 3877825 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: deep in the heart Device: PRS500, 505 & 600, PRST1 & T2, Kindle PW, Moto Razr, Galaxy Tab 2-10"	Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

11-23-2009, 07:28 AM	#572
Slite Icanhasdonuts? Posts: 2,837 Karma: 532407 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Mölnbo, Sweden Device: Kobo Aura 2nd edition, Kobo Clara HD	Is it time for Christmas Cracker jokes soon?

11-24-2009, 05:59 AM	#576
Dave Berk Fanatic Posts: 574 Karma: 138556 Join Date: May 2006 Device: PRS505	Some (hopefully) tasteful Jewish jokes: A women give to her only son two ties as a present. Since he knows his mother all too well, on his weekly visit to her he wear one of the ties. She takes one look at him at the door and says: So you don't like the other one... An old Jewish father calls his son who lives in New York from Miami and says: "Son, I'm sorry to ruin your day, but me and your mom have had enough. We're divorcing. 50 years of pain is too much." "Pa, what are you talking about?" asks the surprised son. "We can't bear each other's company anymore" says the father, "Sorry to tell you this, but it's the truth. Call your sister in Chicago and give her the news. I can't bear to have this conversation again with her too." So the brother calls his sister in shock and gives her the news. She tells him "I'll handle this!". She immediately calls the father and scream at him: "I'm calling Billy now, We are taking the next plane to Miami and by tomorrow morning we're there. Don't do anything rush till we get there!". So the father hang the phone and tells his his wife: "There, what did I tell you, Amily dear, they're coming for Passover and they're paying for their tickets!". Two Jewish fellas are meeting: One asks: "How are you, been a long time since we met". His friend answers: "Well I just came back from a visit to Kruger National Park". "Oh, how was it?" "Terrible. My car got stuck. I ran into a huge lion, and when I turn to run back there was a stampede of Buffalos rushing towards me..." "How come you're still alive?" "You call this a living?" A priest and a rabbi go to try a new barber shop for the first time. After the haircut the priest asks - how much for the haircut? so the barber answers, for you, father, it's free. The priest thanks him and the day after the barber finds an extra hundred dollar on his table. The rabbi also have an haircut. After, he asks the barber, how much for the haircut? The barber answers: for you, rabbi, it's for free. The day after, the barber finds a hundred rabbis waiting for him at opening time... An old Jewish woman goes to visit rabbi Schumer. She says, “My dog is very sick. I want you to pray for him to get well.” “Well, ” says the rabbi, “We only pray for human being, not for animals or livestock.” “OK,” says she, “If that’s the attitude you’re going to take, I’ll go and give my 10,000$ to rabbi Cohen from across the street to pray for my dog.” “10,000$?” says the rabbi, “Wait! Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Jewish?” An old Jewish man is dying. It’s a sad day. All his family are gathered around his bed. “Bill? Is that you?” “Yes, dear father.” “Johnny, you here?” “Yes, father, anything you want?” “Sharon? Naomi?” “We’re here, pa, everyone is here.” “Then why is the bathroom light on?”

11-24-2009, 07:38 AM	#577
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 74,013 Karma: 315160596 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Oasis	A kosher joke... A very observant jew dies, and goes to heaven. Heaven is wonderful - marvellous things everywhere, to do and to see and to eat. But after a couple of days, the angels notice that the new arrival hasn't eaten anything. "Why haven't you been eating?" asks one of the angels, "Is there something you'd like to eat that isn't here?" "No, it all looks wonderful," says the man, "but how can I be sure it's kosher?" "This is heaven," says the angel, "all the food in heaven is kosher, prepared under the supervision of the Lord our God himself!" "Oh," says the man, "in that case I might try an orange."

11-24-2009, 11:00 AM	#584
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Fantastic Four (Vol. 3) #56 (published August 2002) "Remembrance of Things Past" written by Karl Kesel, pencilled by Stuart Immonen, and inked by Scott Koblish.