Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 344

Lynx-lynx · 07-17-2012, 05:06 AM

How to get to Heaven from Scotland …

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweets to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Yuv got tae be bloody dead"

Lycoming · 07-17-2012, 05:39 AM

Lycoming · 07-17-2012, 05:43 AM

OK, look away now, go read a comic or something....

OK, you can put the comic down now.

Obviously the instructions don't work everywhere.

Lycoming · 07-17-2012, 05:44 AM

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied OK "So now you want me to stay?"

wannabee · 07-17-2012, 06:10 AM

Spoiler:

Fbone · 07-17-2012, 09:23 PM

The shortest books:
1) A guide to Arab democracies
2) Everything men know about women
3) The Amish phone book

Phoebemy · 07-17-2012, 09:41 PM

A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Student: "Would it be possible to install Arabic language support on those computers?" Computer Teacher: "In order to use Arabic language in Windows, you must install an Arabic graphic card. So I dont think we could do that."

wannabee · 07-18-2012, 01:05 AM

The longest book in the world:

Spoiler:

James_Wilde · 07-18-2012, 05:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

The shortest books:
1) A guide to Arab democracies
2) Everything men know about women
3) The Amish phone book

Viking Table Manners
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Different Ways to Spell Bob

Bookpossum · 07-18-2012, 09:08 AM

I don't wish to be a party pooper, but I feel we are getting a bit close to the bone with some of the references to race, nationality, religious practice etc. This is a website for people from round the world and some of these recent items could be hurtful or offensive to some members.

WT Sharpe · 07-18-2012, 10:25 AM

Moderator Notice
Just a friendly reminder that MobileRead is an International family-friendly community. Please keep that in mind when posting.

Posting Guidelines.

steven522 · 07-18-2012, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James_Wilde

Different Ways to Spell Bob

...but you have to admit that one was pretty good.

steven522 · 07-18-2012, 11:22 AM

A conservationist hiking through an old-growth forest comes upon and old hermit cleaning and preparing a spotted owl for his dinner. Appalled, the conservationist explains to the hermit that the owl is considered endangered and should not be killed and eaten.

The hermit states that he has been living in solitude for many, many years and was unaware of the situation. He agrees to no longer kill and eat the owls.

Curious, the conservationist inquires about the taste of the owl.

"Oh," replies the hermit. "It's about halfway between an ivory billed woodpecker and a California condor."

Daithi · 07-18-2012, 11:23 AM

Bob, Bobby, Bobbie, Rob, Robert, Roberto, Roberta...

Lycoming · 07-18-2012, 11:43 AM

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.There was one nurse
that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, 'And how are we doing this morning',or 'Are we ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?'

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, Old Harold took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. 'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.'

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

The nurse fainted!

Old Harold just smiled!

DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE!!!!

07-17-2012, 05:06 AM	#5146
Lynx-lynx Treachery of images ... Posts: 4,123 Karma: 93720365 Join Date: May 2012 Location: Australia Device: Sony 650, Kobo Glo, H2O, Aura One, Forma, Libra 2, Libra Colour	How to get to Heaven from Scotland … I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered 'No!' I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?" A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv got tae be bloody dead" Last edited by Lynx-lynx; 07-17-2012 at 05:11 AM.

07-17-2012, 05:43 AM	#5148
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	OK, look away now, go read a comic or something.... OK, you can put the comic down now. Obviously the instructions don't work everywhere. Last edited by Lycoming; 07-18-2012 at 11:38 AM.

07-17-2012, 09:41 PM	#5152
Phoebemy Junior Member Posts: 5 Karma: 10 Join Date: Jul 2012 Device: kindle fire	jokes A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Student: "Would it be possible to install Arabic language support on those computers?" Computer Teacher: "In order to use Arabic language in Windows, you must install an Arabic graphic card. So I dont think we could do that." Last edited by Phoebemy; 07-17-2012 at 09:43 PM.

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07-17-2012, 05:39 AM	#5147
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2

07-17-2012, 05:44 AM	#5149
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered. As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" So I turned around and replied OK "So now you want me to stay?"

07-17-2012, 09:23 PM	#5151
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The shortest books: 1) A guide to Arab democracies 2) Everything men know about women 3) The Amish phone book

07-18-2012, 01:05 AM	#5153
wannabee Media Bloke Posts: 2,382 Karma: 113956855 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: NSW - Australia Device: iOS	The longest book in the world: Spoiler:

07-18-2012, 09:08 AM	#5155
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	I don't wish to be a party pooper, but I feel we are getting a bit close to the bone with some of the references to race, nationality, religious practice etc. This is a website for people from round the world and some of these recent items could be hurtful or offensive to some members.

07-18-2012, 10:25 AM	#5156
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Moderator Notice Just a friendly reminder that MobileRead is an International family-friendly community. Please keep that in mind when posting. Posting Guidelines.

07-18-2012, 11:22 AM	#5158
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	A conservationist hiking through an old-growth forest comes upon and old hermit cleaning and preparing a spotted owl for his dinner. Appalled, the conservationist explains to the hermit that the owl is considered endangered and should not be killed and eaten. The hermit states that he has been living in solitude for many, many years and was unaware of the situation. He agrees to no longer kill and eat the owls. Curious, the conservationist inquires about the taste of the owl. "Oh," replies the hermit. "It's about halfway between an ivory billed woodpecker and a California condor."

07-18-2012, 11:23 AM	#5159
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	Bob, Bobby, Bobbie, Rob, Robert, Roberto, Roberta...

07-18-2012, 11:43 AM	#5160
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.There was one nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, 'And how are we doing this morning',or 'Are we ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?' Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, Old Harold took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. 'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.' At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.' The nurse fainted! Old Harold just smiled! DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE!!!!