Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 342

Steven Lyle Jordan · 06-29-2012, 12:18 PM

Today it's so hot that I saw a squirrel who wanted to climb up a tree... and he offered a nearby crow $5 if he'd just fly him up there...

steven522 · 06-29-2012, 02:31 PM

Today is so hot...

How hot is it?!?!

... the chickens are laying poached eggs.
... there is a strange "popping" noise coming from the corn fields.
... the shrubs in the front yard were whistling for the neighbor's dog.
... the water that comes out from the "C" tap is warmer than what comes out of the "H" tap.

odiakkoh · 06-29-2012, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by steven522

Today is so hot...
How hot is it?!?!
... the chickens are laying poached eggs.
... there is a strange "popping" noise coming from the corn fields.
... the shrubs in the front yard were whistling for the neighbor's dog.
... the water that comes out from the "C" tap is warmer than what comes out of the "H" tap.

Lol the last one is too true to be funny. Burned myself the other day.

steven522 · 06-29-2012, 04:47 PM

Re: the so hot jokes.

I just went out to my car parked in the lot to go to lunch.
I burned my fingers on the knob you use to adjust the air conditioning to max.

Fbone · 06-29-2012, 07:53 PM

Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water."
Man: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?"
Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water."

Lycoming · 07-01-2012, 01:41 PM

OK, look away now if you are touchy feely about anything whatsoever.

Al Qa'eda To Go On Strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from the shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are just not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Liverpool, Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

OK you can go back to where you were again. Have a nice day.

yvanleterrible · 07-01-2012, 06:55 PM

Aren't there virgin suicide bombers? That would kill the complaints...

Fbone · 07-02-2012, 08:22 PM

Love is blind.
Marriage is the eye-opener.

steven522 · 07-03-2012, 09:10 AM

Overly aggressive realtor: "This is a exceptionally constructed house. Why, it was built without a flaw."

Southern gentleman: "Well, then what do you all walk on?"

Fbone · 07-04-2012, 06:57 PM

The first time we kissed,
I closed my eyes,
You closed your eyes
and........ We missed!

Fbone · 07-06-2012, 04:25 PM

The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Johnny quickly replied: "CBS, NBC, HBO and the Cartoon Network."

Daithi · 07-06-2012, 09:14 PM

A few years back when I was in the Army, I was driving through Augusta Georgia with two other soldiers. The guy that was driving blew through a stop sign that he hadn't noticed and Whhoooo! the siren went off, and we got pulled over by a State trooper.

The cop walks up to the driver's side window and reaches in and smacks the driver in the face. My friend says, "What the hell?" The cop replies, "You run a stop sign here in Georgia, you're gonna get hit."

The cop then goes around to the passenger side and backhands my other friend. My friend says, "I wasn't driving. Why did you hit me?"

The cop says, "If you are the co-pilot and you run a stop sign here in Georgia, you're gonna get hit."

He then opens up the door to the back seat, reaches in, and takes a swing at me. I partially blocked the shot, but the bastard still caught me pretty good. I said, "Let me guess. If you're a passenger and you run a stop sign in Georgia, you're gonna get hit?"

The cop says, "Nope. I hit you because if I didn't, you'd be telling you're buddies, 'Shiitt! It's a good thing that cop didn't swing on me, because I would've of messed him up.'"

nohmi2 · 07-09-2012, 07:48 AM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife..

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk..

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching..

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return..

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my stockings."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

Fbone · 07-09-2012, 02:21 PM

Crime doesn't pay. . . does that mean my job is a crime?

Format C: · 07-10-2012, 06:54 AM

One morning a butcher went to the barber and got an haircut. When he asked how much to pay, the barber replied:
"this week is free for everybody: I'm serving the community".
The next morning the barber found a package with a thank you note and a piece of free roastbeef.
Later that day a policeman come into the shop and had his hair cut. When he asked the price, again the barber replied:
"this week is free for everybody: I'm serving the community".
The next morning he found a package of donuts and a thank you card.
Later that day a Senator went to the shop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
Again, whene asked for the price, the barber said:
"this week is free for everybody: I'm serving the community".

The next morning he fount a long queue with the whole Senate waiting for the free haircut.

It's an Italian joke, but I think it applies to some other countries too...

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06-29-2012, 12:18 PM	#5116
Steven Lyle Jordan Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,478 Karma: 5171130 Join Date: Jan 2006 Device: none	Today it's so hot that I saw a squirrel who wanted to climb up a tree... and he offered a nearby crow $5 if he'd just fly him up there...

06-29-2012, 02:31 PM	#5117
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	Today is so hot... *How hot is it?!?!* ... the chickens are laying poached eggs. ... there is a strange "popping" noise coming from the corn fields. ... the shrubs in the front yard were whistling for the neighbor's dog. ... the water that comes out from the "C" tap is warmer than what comes out of the "H" tap.

06-29-2012, 04:47 PM	#5119
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	Re: the so hot jokes. I just went out to my car parked in the lot to go to lunch. I burned my fingers on the knob you use to adjust the air conditioning to max.

06-29-2012, 07:53 PM	#5120
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water." Man: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?" Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water."

07-01-2012, 01:41 PM	#5121
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	OK, look away now if you are touchy feely about anything whatsoever. Al Qa'eda To Go On Strike Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth". Speaking from the shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are just not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." Spokespersons for the union in Liverpool, Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway. Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise. OK you can go back to where you were again. Have a nice day.

07-01-2012, 06:55 PM	#5122
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	Aren't there virgin suicide bombers? That would kill the complaints...

07-02-2012, 08:22 PM	#5123
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener.

07-03-2012, 09:10 AM	#5124
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	Overly aggressive realtor: "This is a exceptionally constructed house. Why, it was built without a flaw." Southern gentleman: "Well, then what do you all walk on?"

07-04-2012, 06:57 PM	#5125
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The first time we kissed, I closed my eyes, You closed your eyes and........ We missed!

07-06-2012, 04:25 PM	#5126
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Johnny quickly replied: "CBS, NBC, HBO and the Cartoon Network."

07-06-2012, 09:14 PM	#5127
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	A few years back when I was in the Army, I was driving through Augusta Georgia with two other soldiers. The guy that was driving blew through a stop sign that he hadn't noticed and Whhoooo! the siren went off, and we got pulled over by a State trooper. The cop walks up to the driver's side window and reaches in and smacks the driver in the face. My friend says, "What the hell?" The cop replies, "You run a stop sign here in Georgia, you're gonna get hit." The cop then goes around to the passenger side and backhands my other friend. My friend says, "I wasn't driving. Why did you hit me?" The cop says, "If you are the co-pilot and you run a stop sign here in Georgia, you're gonna get hit." He then opens up the door to the back seat, reaches in, and takes a swing at me. I partially blocked the shot, but the bastard still caught me pretty good. I said, "Let me guess. If you're a passenger and you run a stop sign in Georgia, you're gonna get hit?" The cop says, "Nope. I hit you because if I didn't, you'd be telling you're buddies, 'Shiitt! It's a good thing that cop didn't swing on me, because I would've of messed him up.'"

07-09-2012, 07:48 AM	#5128
nohmi2 Pensively observing. Posts: 1,758 Karma: 12675456 Join Date: Jun 2008 Device: Varied.	A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." (P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

07-09-2012, 02:21 PM	#5129
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Crime doesn't pay. . . does that mean my job is a crime?

07-10-2012, 06:54 AM	#5130
Format C: Guru Posts: 753 Karma: 1496807 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: The Third World Device: iLiad + PRS-505 + Kindle 3	One morning a butcher went to the barber and got an haircut. When he asked how much to pay, the barber replied: "this week is free for everybody: I'm serving the community". The next morning the barber found a package with a thank you note and a piece of free roastbeef. Later that day a policeman come into the shop and had his hair cut. When he asked the price, again the barber replied: "this week is free for everybody: I'm serving the community". The next morning he found a package of donuts and a thank you card. Later that day a Senator went to the shop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. Again, whene asked for the price, the barber said: "this week is free for everybody: I'm serving the community". The next morning he fount a long queue with the whole Senate waiting for the free haircut. It's an Italian joke, but I think it applies to some other countries too...