Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 341

steven522 · 06-26-2012, 09:04 AM

The support tech said to make sure I closed Windows and then open Windows again. He then asked if my computer still seemed "buggy". I said that of course it does now with all the flies coming in from outside.

BeTePoK · 06-26-2012, 11:56 AM

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

Iznogood · 06-26-2012, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore.

Anyone can break Windows these days. Or rather, have Windows break just by looking at it

Edit: I forgot to mention this

PeterT · 06-26-2012, 08:47 PM

A word that describes the actions of a bull who consumed a bomb to save the herd

Spoiler:

The best selling book the herd wrote after the demise of their bull

Spoiler:

Fbone · 06-26-2012, 10:12 PM

A dog who attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Stitchawl · 06-27-2012, 02:10 AM

If you don't care for Jewish jokes, please turn the page. And if you don't know Jewish culture, this may not make much sense to you anyway!

Credit to Marc Sherman - to the tune of "me and Julio, down by the schoolyard!".. if anyone gets offended sorry - this is hysterical... Sent to me by a good friend living in Israel.

Morty the Mohel took out his blade, and he started the circumcision
When the child found out, he began to shout, “ma please no incision”
It's Talmudic law, it was Talmudic law
Yes the Bubbe swore, it was Talmudic law

The mama came down and passed out the wine and sliced up the bread in sections.
The papa said “oy, that’s my baby boy.
Please, Rabbi, don’t leave an infection.”
Well someone’s gonna pay, It hadn’t started growin'
Someone’s gonna pay, they’re giving me wine, but it tastes too sweet

Goodbye to Esther, the queen of Hadassah
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard

In a couple of days they're gonna take me to pray
But it still hurts when I take a leak
Now they bake without Yeast, every Passover Feast
What holiday is it next week
And I'm gonna pray, I don't know what I'm sayin'
I'm gonna pray, I'm drinkin the wine, and there’s too much to eat,

Goodbye to Esther, the queen of Hadassah
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard
See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard

steven522 · 06-27-2012, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PeterT

A word that describes the actions of a bull who consumed a bomb to save the herd

Personally, I would have chosen abominable.

steven522 · 06-27-2012, 10:28 AM

"Sis Boom Ba!"

Spoiler:

MJK2111 · 06-27-2012, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PeterT

A word that describes the actions of a bull who consumed a bomb to save the herd

Spoiler:

The best selling book the herd wrote after the demise of their bull

Spoiler:

If you tell any more of those, you're "liabull" to get hurt!

Daithi · 06-27-2012, 02:33 PM

[This joke is borderline acceptable, so you may or may not want to read it.]

Last week I went to this seminar on the supernatural, and the guy conducting the seminar starts out by saying, "I want to see the hands of everyone out there who believes in ghosts."

Just about everybody raised their hands. It was a seminar on the supernatural after all.

Then the guy says, "If you have actually seen a ghost I'd like you to keep your hand up."

About a quarter of the people lowered their hands.

The guy then says, "Ok, if you have ever physically touched a ghost, I want you to keep you hand up."

Almost everybody lowered their hands, including me. I looked around and only about six people still had their hands up.

The guy then says, "Alright, this is going to be delicate, but I want you to lower your hand unless you have had relations with a ghost, if you know what I'm saying."

Everyone else lowered their hands, but there was one guy in the back who still had his hand up. He was a real country bumpkin looking fellow, wearing a plaid flannel shirt with no sleeves and a Mack Truck hat.

The guy doing the seminar says, "Sir, come on up here. That's right, come on up here."

The feller in the plaid shirt stands up and heads up on stage.

Once he is up there the guy running the seminar says, "I'd like you to tell the audience about your sexual encounter with the ghost."

The other feller says, "Oh, y'all said ghost. I thawt you said goat."

steven522 · 06-27-2012, 05:16 PM

Jimmy Joe: "My girlfriend's mother caught us making out under the apple tree in the back field."

Billy Bob: "Oh, man. What did her mother say when she found you?"

Jimmy Joe: "Baaaaaaaa!"

Daithi · 06-27-2012, 09:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by steven522

Jimmy Joe: "My girlfriend's mother caught us making out under the apple tree in the back field."

Billy Bob: "Oh, man. What did her mother say when she found you?"

Jimmy Joe: "Baaaaaaaa!"

Q. What is the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

A. The Rolling Stones say, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."
---The Scotsman says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe."

Fbone · 06-28-2012, 06:15 PM

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children.
Now I have six children and no theories.

steven522 · 06-29-2012, 09:29 AM

Right before I got married the owner of the company where I was employed came up to me and gave me his view of marriage:

"The first year of my marriage, every time I made love to my wife, I scratched a small line on the bed's headboard. Starting the first day of the second year, each time I made love to my wife I went back and sanded one of those lines out. We've been married 20 years and I still have lines left to sand out."

True story.

steven522 · 06-29-2012, 09:38 AM

The difference between men and women:

When a woman tells her man, "I'm not wearing any underwear." The man instantly thinks, Sexy.

If a man tells his woman, "I'm not wearing any underwear." The woman instantly thinks, Great, now I have to wash those pants twice.

06-26-2012, 08:47 PM	#5104
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,557 Karma: 79436716 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	A word that describes the actions of a bull who consumed a bomb to save the herd Spoiler: No Bull The best selling book the herd wrote after the demise of their bull Spoiler: Bye Bull

06-27-2012, 10:28 AM	#5108
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	"Sis Boom Ba!" Spoiler: The sound of an exploding sheep.

06-27-2012, 02:33 PM	#5110
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	[This joke is borderline acceptable, so you may or may not want to read it.] Last week I went to this seminar on the supernatural, and the guy conducting the seminar starts out by saying, "I want to see the hands of everyone out there who believes in ghosts." Just about everybody raised their hands. It was a seminar on the supernatural after all. Then the guy says, "If you have actually seen a ghost I'd like you to keep your hand up." About a quarter of the people lowered their hands. The guy then says, "Ok, if you have ever physically touched a ghost, I want you to keep you hand up." Almost everybody lowered their hands, including me. I looked around and only about six people still had their hands up. The guy then says, "Alright, this is going to be delicate, but I want you to lower your hand unless you have had relations with a ghost, if you know what I'm saying." Everyone else lowered their hands, but there was one guy in the back who still had his hand up. He was a real country bumpkin looking fellow, wearing a plaid flannel shirt with no sleeves and a Mack Truck hat. The guy doing the seminar says, "Sir, come on up here. That's right, come on up here." The feller in the plaid shirt stands up and heads up on stage. Once he is up there the guy running the seminar says, "I'd like you to tell the audience about your sexual encounter with the ghost." The other feller says, "Oh, y'all said ghost. I thawt you said goat." Last edited by Daithi; 06-27-2012 at 09:42 PM. Reason: Changed a "their" to a "there" -- pet peeve

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Add from the Mobile Read Library?	danwdoo	Calibre	8	12-03-2014 06:03 PM
Good Day Eh!! :-)	Gedvondur	Introduce Yourself	12	07-22-2010 12:16 AM
Classic Is there a way to lighten the background?	rlsamson	Barnes & Noble NOOK	3	06-30-2010 04:56 PM
Read-in-Microsoft-Reader 1.1.3 add-in released	Alexander Turcic	Reading and Management	2	02-20-2006 03:47 AM

06-26-2012, 09:04 AM	#5101
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	The support tech said to make sure I closed Windows and then open Windows again. He then asked if my computer still seemed "buggy". I said that of course it does now with all the flies coming in from outside.

06-26-2012, 11:56 AM	#5102
BeTePoK Guru Posts: 740 Karma: 12616666 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Republic of Belarus Device: Sony PRS-505	A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

06-26-2012, 10:12 PM	#5105
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A dog who attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

06-27-2012, 02:10 AM	#5106
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	If you don't care for Jewish jokes, please turn the page. And if you don't know Jewish culture, this may not make much sense to you anyway! Credit to Marc Sherman - to the tune of "me and Julio, down by the schoolyard!".. if anyone gets offended sorry - this is hysterical... Sent to me by a good friend living in Israel. Morty the Mohel took out his blade, and he started the circumcision When the child found out, he began to shout, “ma please no incision” It's Talmudic law, it was Talmudic law Yes the Bubbe swore, it was Talmudic law The mama came down and passed out the wine and sliced up the bread in sections. The papa said “oy, that’s my baby boy. Please, Rabbi, don’t leave an infection.” Well someone’s gonna pay, It hadn’t started growin' Someone’s gonna pay, they’re giving me wine, but it tastes too sweet Goodbye to Esther, the queen of Hadassah See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard In a couple of days they're gonna take me to pray But it still hurts when I take a leak Now they bake without Yeast, every Passover Feast What holiday is it next week And I'm gonna pray, I don't know what I'm sayin' I'm gonna pray, I'm drinkin the wine, and there’s too much to eat, Goodbye to Esther, the queen of Hadassah See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard See you, me and Shlomo down by the Shul yard

06-27-2012, 05:16 PM	#5111
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	Jimmy Joe: "My girlfriend's mother caught us making out under the apple tree in the back field." Billy Bob: "Oh, man. What did her mother say when she found you?" Jimmy Joe: "Baaaaaaaa!"

06-28-2012, 06:15 PM	#5113
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.

06-29-2012, 09:29 AM	#5114
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	Right before I got married the owner of the company where I was employed came up to me and gave me his view of marriage: "The first year of my marriage, every time I made love to my wife, I scratched a small line on the bed's headboard. Starting the first day of the second year, each time I made love to my wife I went back and sanded one of those lines out. We've been married 20 years and I still have lines left to sand out." True story.

06-29-2012, 09:38 AM	#5115
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	The difference between men and women: When a woman tells her man, "I'm not wearing any underwear." The man instantly thinks, Sexy. If a man tells his woman, "I'm not wearing any underwear." The woman instantly thinks, Great, now I have to wash those pants twice.