Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 340

steven522 · 06-20-2012, 10:36 AM

A zookeeper notices a teenage boy is standing in front of the gorilla exhibit at zoo. The teen is making motions at the gorilla and the gorilla is mimicking the various hand waving and head and arm patting right back. After a few minutes when the keeper realizes the teen is not going to tire of this any time soon, he pulls the teen to the side and outy of view of the gorilla.

"You're not in trouble. We don't mind the visitors interacting with the gorilla. However, I just want to warn you about one thing. No matter what, never, ever do this to a gorilla..." The keeper makes a fist with his thumb sticking out and pokes himself in the forehead. "We don't know exactly what that means to a gorilla, but it must be an extremely rude comment because the few times it has happened the gorilla has gone insane with rage."

The keeper leaves and the teen goes back to the gorilla. He continues the motions and the gorilla repeats them back: head scratch, head scratch, arm flap, arm flap, shoulder pat, shoulder pat. Finally, the teen can no longer contain himself. He carefully looks around to make sure the keeper is not looking and then pokes himself in the forehead with his thumb.

The gorilla goes insane with rage. He smashes out of the cage, leaps on the teen and begins pounding on him. The keeper has to dart the gorilla with tranquilizers to get him off of the teen. The teen ends up in the hospital for a month. The entire time the teen is thinking up a way to get revenge on the gorilla.

The teen goes back to the zoo and returns to the gorilla exhibit. He waits until no one else is around and steps up to the gorilla. The teen pats his head, the gorilla pats his head. The teen scratches his stomach, the gorilla scratches his stomach. The teen carefully unzips his pants and pulls a hotdog wiener he had hidden in there partway out. He makes sure the gorilla sees it and then quickly snatches it out, throws it on the floor, and stomps it flat.

The gorilla stares at the squashed hotdog a moment, looks up directly into the teen's eyes and then pokes himself in the forehead with his thumb.

Fbone · 06-20-2012, 08:05 PM

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Fbone · 06-22-2012, 05:01 PM

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Kumabjorn · 06-23-2012, 03:36 AM

Three generations Wilson's enjoyed their weekly golf game every Saturday morning, grandpa who didn't need a lot of sleep insisted they tee off at 6:00 am and the son and grandson didn't dare protest.

One morning just as they are getting ready a 20 something gorgeous latina shows up and ask if she may tag along. Grandpa is dead set against this, but before he can say anything the son and grandson invites her to play along, sure that it will annoy the old man and as retribution for the early tee time.

Turns out the latina has game, and is very congenial, the four of them get along splendidly and have a good time on the course. When they come to the 18th tee she says; "You know, if I can make par on this hole I will brake 80 and beat my personal best with three strokes, and it is all thanks to the good times we've had today, I haven't even thought about my score until now."

She hits a decent drive but rolling into the rough, from there her approach ends up in a bunker and she have 50 ft to the pin. She turns to the men and says; "I'm not good in the sand but an up and down here would give me that par so if any of you can help me make a par I will give you nice BJ after the round."

The grandson moves boldly forward and tells her to thump the sand hard with all the power she can muster in her right arm. She hits a good shot but still have a 15 ft putt for her par. The son rushes forward, takes a look at her line and says; "This putt brakes gently to the left, just keep it outside the right of the cup about 5 inches and it should roll in".

She takes her stance, lines up just to the right of the hole when granddad steps forward: "Sweetcheekes, that putt is good, now lets go to the parking lot".

WT Sharpe · 06-23-2012, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

=Ahem=

Don't you mean She's fast and he's tedious?

Fbone · 06-23-2012, 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

=Ahem=

Don't you mean She's fast and he's tedious?

But but there is only one "t" in fastidious

yvanleterrible · 06-23-2012, 09:06 PM

And why can't he be the fast one?

pdurrant · 06-24-2012, 12:40 AM

Customer: I want to return these trousers because of the shoddy workmanship. I've had to sew this button back on three times!

pilotbob · 06-24-2012, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

And why can't he be the fast one?

Something you want to share?

BOb

pdurrant · 06-25-2012, 05:56 AM

orlok · 06-25-2012, 06:14 AM

Fbone · 06-25-2012, 09:56 AM

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

steven522 · 06-25-2012, 01:29 PM

Saint Peter is surprised one day when three men appear at the Pearly Gates at the same time. "My goodness," he exclaims. "Were you all in an accident together?"

The three men look around at each other and all profess as to not knowing any of the others in their party.

"Well," Saint Peter says thoughtfully, "before I let you all in, I need to figure out exactly what happened. Each of you tell me your story and I'll see what I can piece together."

The first steps up. "I decided to go home for lunch and surprise my wife. I let myself in to our penthouse apartment and found my wife hastily cleaning up two plates and two wine glasses. I figured that I had just caught her cheating on me and ran around looking in closets and under beds trying to find the man. I ran out onto the balcony and looked down to see a man at the building's entryway hastily putting on a tie. I assumed the man was my wife's lover and in a fit of rage I pushed our piano out onto the balcony and over the edge. I don't know exactly what happened after that because at that moment I felt my heart give out from the strain and I collapsed and apparently died."

The second man stepped up. "I was on my way to a job interview and my necktie was bothering me. I stepped up to the front door of an apartment building and was using the glass doors as a mirror to remove and put back on my necktie. Suddenly a piano fell on top of me and apparently killed me."

The third man stepped up. "Hey, listen, I was just lying in a piano minding my own business..."

Fbone · 06-25-2012, 10:06 PM

Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore.

Kumabjorn · 06-26-2012, 01:58 AM

I love the smell of burnt silicon in the morning when I open my Windows.

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06-20-2012, 10:36 AM	#5086
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	A zookeeper notices a teenage boy is standing in front of the gorilla exhibit at zoo. The teen is making motions at the gorilla and the gorilla is mimicking the various hand waving and head and arm patting right back. After a few minutes when the keeper realizes the teen is not going to tire of this any time soon, he pulls the teen to the side and outy of view of the gorilla. "You're not in trouble. We don't mind the visitors interacting with the gorilla. However, I just want to warn you about one thing. No matter what, never, ever do this to a gorilla..." The keeper makes a fist with his thumb sticking out and pokes himself in the forehead. "We don't know exactly what that means to a gorilla, but it must be an extremely rude comment because the few times it has happened the gorilla has gone insane with rage." The keeper leaves and the teen goes back to the gorilla. He continues the motions and the gorilla repeats them back: head scratch, head scratch, arm flap, arm flap, shoulder pat, shoulder pat. Finally, the teen can no longer contain himself. He carefully looks around to make sure the keeper is not looking and then pokes himself in the forehead with his thumb. The gorilla goes insane with rage. He smashes out of the cage, leaps on the teen and begins pounding on him. The keeper has to dart the gorilla with tranquilizers to get him off of the teen. The teen ends up in the hospital for a month. The entire time the teen is thinking up a way to get revenge on the gorilla. The teen goes back to the zoo and returns to the gorilla exhibit. He waits until no one else is around and steps up to the gorilla. The teen pats his head, the gorilla pats his head. The teen scratches his stomach, the gorilla scratches his stomach. The teen carefully unzips his pants and pulls a hotdog wiener he had hidden in there partway out. He makes sure the gorilla sees it and then quickly snatches it out, throws it on the floor, and stomps it flat. The gorilla stares at the squashed hotdog a moment, looks up directly into the teen's eyes and then pokes himself in the forehead with his thumb.

06-20-2012, 08:05 PM	#5087
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

06-22-2012, 05:01 PM	#5088
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

06-23-2012, 03:36 AM	#5089
Kumabjorn Basculocolpic Posts: 4,356 Karma: 20181319 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Kindle 3 WiFi, Kindle 4SO, Kindle for Android, Sony PRS-350 and PRS-T1	Three generations Wilson's enjoyed their weekly golf game every Saturday morning, grandpa who didn't need a lot of sleep insisted they tee off at 6:00 am and the son and grandson didn't dare protest. One morning just as they are getting ready a 20 something gorgeous latina shows up and ask if she may tag along. Grandpa is dead set against this, but before he can say anything the son and grandson invites her to play along, sure that it will annoy the old man and as retribution for the early tee time. Turns out the latina has game, and is very congenial, the four of them get along splendidly and have a good time on the course. When they come to the 18th tee she says; "You know, if I can make par on this hole I will brake 80 and beat my personal best with three strokes, and it is all thanks to the good times we've had today, I haven't even thought about my score until now." She hits a decent drive but rolling into the rough, from there her approach ends up in a bunker and she have 50 ft to the pin. She turns to the men and says; "I'm not good in the sand but an up and down here would give me that par so if any of you can help me make a par I will give you nice BJ after the round." The grandson moves boldly forward and tells her to thump the sand hard with all the power she can muster in her right arm. She hits a good shot but still have a 15 ft putt for her par. The son rushes forward, takes a look at her line and says; "This putt brakes gently to the left, just keep it outside the right of the cup about 5 inches and it should roll in". She takes her stance, lines up just to the right of the hole when granddad steps forward: "Sweetcheekes, that putt is good, now lets go to the parking lot".

06-23-2012, 09:06 PM	#5092
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	And why can't he be the fast one?

06-24-2012, 12:40 AM	#5093
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 74,072 Karma: 315558332 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Oasis	Customer: I want to return these trousers because of the shoddy workmanship. I've had to sew this button back on three times!

06-25-2012, 05:56 AM	#5095
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 74,072 Karma: 315558332 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Oasis

06-25-2012, 06:14 AM	#5096
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"

06-25-2012, 09:56 AM	#5097
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

06-25-2012, 01:29 PM	#5098
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	Saint Peter is surprised one day when three men appear at the Pearly Gates at the same time. "My goodness," he exclaims. "Were you all in an accident together?" The three men look around at each other and all profess as to not knowing any of the others in their party. "Well," Saint Peter says thoughtfully, "before I let you all in, I need to figure out exactly what happened. Each of you tell me your story and I'll see what I can piece together." The first steps up. "I decided to go home for lunch and surprise my wife. I let myself in to our penthouse apartment and found my wife hastily cleaning up two plates and two wine glasses. I figured that I had just caught her cheating on me and ran around looking in closets and under beds trying to find the man. I ran out onto the balcony and looked down to see a man at the building's entryway hastily putting on a tie. I assumed the man was my wife's lover and in a fit of rage I pushed our piano out onto the balcony and over the edge. I don't know exactly what happened after that because at that moment I felt my heart give out from the strain and I collapsed and apparently died." The second man stepped up. "I was on my way to a job interview and my necktie was bothering me. I stepped up to the front door of an apartment building and was using the glass doors as a mirror to remove and put back on my necktie. Suddenly a piano fell on top of me and apparently killed me." The third man stepped up. "Hey, listen, I was just lying in a piano minding my own business..."

06-25-2012, 10:06 PM	#5099
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore.

06-26-2012, 01:58 AM	#5100
Kumabjorn Basculocolpic Posts: 4,356 Karma: 20181319 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Kindle 3 WiFi, Kindle 4SO, Kindle for Android, Sony PRS-350 and PRS-T1	I love the smell of burnt silicon in the morning when I open my Windows.