Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 339

Fbone · 06-14-2012, 09:07 PM

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

steven522 · 06-15-2012, 08:49 AM

A teacher decided to surprise her class with a special snack one Friday afternoon. The snack was strips of roasted deer meat supplied by a local hunter. After handing each child in the class a sample of the snack, the teacher said, "Now, can anyone in the class guess what this snack is made of?"

After several wrong guesses from the children, the teacher decided to help out with a hint. "It's what your mommy calls your daddy."

Immediately one of the boys jumps up and yells, "Stop eating! It's made out of jackass!"

Fbone · 06-15-2012, 08:43 PM

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

Kumabjorn · 06-16-2012, 04:34 AM

Okay so here goes.

What is the difference between a blond and a blonde?

Spoiler:

Lycoming · 06-16-2012, 06:34 AM

Amazing simple home remedies: These really work!!

1. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. To avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat- use the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. [remember to use a timer.]

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives – you’ll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Lycoming · 06-16-2012, 08:11 AM

My trip to the store

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

James_Wilde · 06-17-2012, 04:49 PM

You all did it again: nothing new since I looked last. So I'll have to contribute AGAIN!

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

issybird · 06-17-2012, 08:31 PM

Fbone · 06-18-2012, 01:21 AM

There was a girl knocking on my bedroom door all night! Finally, I let her out.

wannabee · 06-18-2012, 08:49 AM

From Column 8, Sydney Morning Herald today.

''My daughter and son-in-law were talking about what he was up to for the day over breakfast,'' writes Caroline Street, of Walcha. ''My son-in-law has a cattle scanning business and was informing the family of the different properties he was working at that day. He commented that he had cows to scan at Blaxland, then heifers at Yalgoo, and that then he was going to Kilburnie. Their three-year-old son looked his father in the eye and asked 'Why dad? What did Burnie do?'''

steven522 · 06-18-2012, 09:20 AM

My friend from "Nawlens" (New Orleans) has a dog name Fido, but he spells it "Phideaux".

Stitchawl · 06-18-2012, 10:56 PM

Stitchawl

steven522 · 06-19-2012, 09:10 AM

I heard that a place called "local library" is a good quiet location to take your ereader and read your ebooks.

wodin · 06-19-2012, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by steven522

I heard that a place called "local library" is a good quiet location to take your ereader and read your ebooks.

I used to do that at Borders, when there still was a Borders and Susie would drag me there so she could browse her knitting magazines.

cromag · 06-20-2012, 04:13 AM

I've brought my ereader into a library to read. It was across the street from the dance school I used to take my daughter to.

06-16-2012, 04:34 AM	#5074
Kumabjorn Basculocolpic Posts: 4,356 Karma: 20181319 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Kindle 3 WiFi, Kindle 4SO, Kindle for Android, Sony PRS-350 and PRS-T1	From a different thread Okay so here goes. What is the difference between a blond and a blonde? Spoiler: The blonde has a higher sperm count.

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06-14-2012, 09:07 PM	#5071
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

06-15-2012, 08:49 AM	#5072
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	A teacher decided to surprise her class with a special snack one Friday afternoon. The snack was strips of roasted deer meat supplied by a local hunter. After handing each child in the class a sample of the snack, the teacher said, "Now, can anyone in the class guess what this snack is made of?" After several wrong guesses from the children, the teacher decided to help out with a hint. "It's what your mommy calls your daddy." Immediately one of the boys jumps up and yells, "Stop eating! It's made out of jackass!"

06-15-2012, 08:43 PM	#5073
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

06-16-2012, 06:34 AM	#5075
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Amazing simple home remedies: These really work!! 1. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop. 2. To avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat- use the sink. 3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. [remember to use a timer.] 4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives – you’ll be afraid to cough. 6. You only need two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape. 7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

06-16-2012, 08:11 AM	#5076
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	My trip to the store There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

06-17-2012, 04:49 PM	#5077
James_Wilde Guru Posts: 802 Karma: 4727110 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Iriver Story	You all did it again: nothing new since I looked last. So I'll have to contribute AGAIN! Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family... AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too. DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside. DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins. DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster. FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings. PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own. PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms. PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: able to whine in words. WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out. WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house. WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

06-17-2012, 08:31 PM	#5078
issybird o saeclum infacetum Posts: 21,341 Karma: 234636059 Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: New England Device: Mini, H2O, Glo HD, Aura One, PW4, PW5

06-18-2012, 01:21 AM	#5079
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	There was a girl knocking on my bedroom door all night! Finally, I let her out.

06-18-2012, 08:49 AM	#5080
wannabee Media Bloke Posts: 2,382 Karma: 113956855 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: NSW - Australia Device: iOS	From Column 8, Sydney Morning Herald today. ''My daughter and son-in-law were talking about what he was up to for the day over breakfast,'' writes Caroline Street, of Walcha. ''My son-in-law has a cattle scanning business and was informing the family of the different properties he was working at that day. He commented that he had cows to scan at Blaxland, then heifers at Yalgoo, and that then he was going to Kilburnie. Their three-year-old son looked his father in the eye and asked 'Why dad? What did Burnie do?'''

06-18-2012, 09:20 AM	#5081
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	My friend from "Nawlens" (New Orleans) has a dog name Fido, but he spells it "Phideaux".

06-18-2012, 10:56 PM	#5082
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Stitchawl

06-19-2012, 09:10 AM	#5083
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	I heard that a place called "local library" is a good quiet location to take your ereader and read your ebooks.

06-20-2012, 04:13 AM	#5085
cromag Surfin the alpha waves ~~ Posts: 26,416 Karma: 459765791 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New Jersey Device: Jetbook Lite & Mini, Nook STR, Kobo, Hanvon N516, Kindle 2, Androids	I've brought my ereader into a library to read. It was across the street from the dance school I used to take my daughter to.