Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 338

steven522 · 06-12-2012, 10:00 AM

An extremely overweight man who had tried every diet, supplement, and workout regiment to no avail finally consulted his church pastor. The pastor, having listened patiently to the man's lament, told him to go home and be ready at 6:00 AM the next morning dressed for a run.

At 6:00 AM the next morning, the man answered a knock on his front door to find a lovely young blonde standing there in tiny skin-tight shorts and t-shirt. She looks into the man's eyes and says, "The pastor said that if you can catch me before 7:00 AM, I'm to let you have me." And with that, she turns and runs down the street toward the park. The man tries his best, but after an entire hour he never comes close to catching up to her.

The next morning at 6:00 AM the man receives the same knock and statement and the hour long run ends the same way. This routine continues for many weeks and the man begins to lose weight and muscle up, becoming more trim and fit as each day passes. Finally, one morning the man comes so close to actually catching the young blonde within the hour limit that both are sweating and panting for breath on a park bench. The man looks at the young lady and says, "I have a feeling tomorrow's run will be a lot different."

The next morning, the man is ready and waiting at the front door. He is wearing only his running shoes and a pair of small running shorts so as not to impede his "progress" before and after the run. Finally, there is the knock at the front door. He opens the door wide and finds an extremely overweight redhead standing there.

She looks approvingly up and down the man's muscled body and says, "The pastor said that if I can catch you before 7:00 AM, I can have you."

Fbone · 06-12-2012, 10:14 PM

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

steven522 · 06-13-2012, 11:54 AM

1st scientist: "This morning, on my way in, a police officer pulled me over for running a red light. I thought I would try talking my way out of the ticket by explaining that the light wavelength had shortened as I approached the traffic signal and the blue-shift made the red light appear purple which I mistook for a green signal to proceed through the intersection."

2nd scientist: "And that argument was successful?"

1st scientist: "Yes, it was, he did not give me a ticket for running the red light. However, he did give me a ticket for speeding, instead."

WT Sharpe · 06-13-2012, 12:46 PM

Never mess with an officer who understands the Doppler effect!

PeterT · 06-13-2012, 12:58 PM

Overheard on a bus:

Two blondes chatting.
One states. - I had a pregnancy test yesterday.
The other asks - Oh. And ... were the questions dificult?

steven522 · 06-13-2012, 03:58 PM

Husband: "Honey, I was fired from the deli today."

Wife: "What happened?"

Husband: "I was overcome by the strongest urge to drop my pants and poke it in the pickle slicer."

Wife: "You didn't!"

Husband: "I did. That's why they fired me."

Wife: "Are you hurt? Do you need a doctor?"

Husband: "No, I'm fine. Not hurt at all."

Wife: "Really? ... Well, then what about the pickle slicer?"

Husband: "Oh, she was fired, too."

Fbone · 06-13-2012, 06:28 PM

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose.
"Since when do you wear pantyhose?"
"Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

Daithi · 06-13-2012, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PeterT

Overheard on a bus:

Two blondes chatting.
One states. - I had a pregnancy test yesterday.
The other asks - Oh. And ... were the questions dificult?

When I was in the Army the First Sgt. came out to our morning formation and said, "All right guys, we're going to have you do a drug test this morning."

One of my friends yells out, "Top, Daithi wants to know if there are going to be any math questions on this test."

It was pretty funny, even though I was the butt of the joke. Also, if you don't know, "Top" is a slang for First Sgt.

maxiart · 06-14-2012, 12:31 AM

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry at so many bad jokes in one place x.x

pdurrant · 06-14-2012, 07:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maxiart

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry at so many bad jokes in one place x.x

The correct response is to post a joke.

Conjunctivitus.com — that's a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine

poohbear_nc · 06-14-2012, 09:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

The correct response is to post a joke.

Conjunctivitus.com — that's a site for sore eyes.
Tim Vine

groan ......

steven522 · 06-14-2012, 09:29 AM

A man walking down a country meets a young boy walking the other way. The boy is holding the end of a chain which is leashed to a small creature that seems to be all teeth and fur.

"Well, what is that you got there?" asks the man.

"This here's a woolybugger," replies the boy.

"That so?" says the man. "What exactly is a woolybugger?"

"He's just a little monster I found. He's good at tearing stuff up. Here, I'll show you." And with that the boy says, "Woolybugger, that stump."

Immediately the small creature leaps out to the extent of the chain and begins ripping the roadside stump to pieces. Within seconds there is nothing left but sawdust.

"Wow," that man says, "let me see him do that again."

"Woolybugger," the boy states again, "that rock."

Again the creature leaps forward and begins demolishing a large stone. Within seconds nothing is left but a pile of fine gravel.

The man decides he wants the little creature and tries to talk the boy into selling it to him. They are in serious discussing of proper payment for the creature when a second man happens by on the road.

"Hey, you two," calls the newcomer, "what's that thing you got there?"

"This is a woolybugger," the first man answers.

"Yeah, right," the second man states skeptically. "Woolybugger, my ass."

Lycoming · 06-14-2012, 12:34 PM

Ancient joke that has wee sweary words so look away now if you have a nervous disposition.

Two elderly gentlemen, smartly dressed, were sitting together in the rear seat of a double decker bus discussing their last safari.

A lady boarded the bus, sat in front of them and listened to their conversation.

"No! Definitely W A RR UM," exclaimed the first gentleman.

"Damn it no," said the second, has to be "W U R U M A."

At this point the lady looked around and very quietly apologised for interrupting but said, "I think the word you are trying to spell is 'Womb', WOMB."

Indignantly the first gentleman looked at the interloper and snorted, "Madam, I doubt you have seen a hippo in the wild, let alone heard one fart underwater!"

OK, those nervy types can look again now.

steven522 · 06-14-2012, 03:17 PM

A kid enters a pet shop, walks to the counter and asks, "Hey, mithta, can I buy thum boid theed?"

The clerk looks at the boy and says, "If you can ask again where I can understand you, maybe."

The kid turns and walks out.

The next day, the same kid enters and asks again, "Hey, mithta, can I buy thum boid theed?"

Again the clerk says, "If you can ask where I can understand you."

The kid turns and walks out.

The next day, the same kid enters the store again. He walks up to the clerk and sets a paper bag on the counter.

"Hey, mithta, wanna dead boid?"

Daithi · 06-14-2012, 03:36 PM

The teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation.

Mary went first. "My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie."

Next came Tommy. "My dad is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r, and if he were here, he'd give each of us a quarter."

Third came Jimmy. "My dad is an electrician.'' But after struggling through a number of attempts to spell the word, the teacher asked him to sit and think about it for a moment while she called on someone else.

She then turned to Johnny. "My dad's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e," Johnny said. "And if he were here, he'd lay you 8 to 5 that Jimmy ain't never gonna spell electrician."

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06-12-2012, 10:00 AM	#5056
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	An extremely overweight man who had tried every diet, supplement, and workout regiment to no avail finally consulted his church pastor. The pastor, having listened patiently to the man's lament, told him to go home and be ready at 6:00 AM the next morning dressed for a run. At 6:00 AM the next morning, the man answered a knock on his front door to find a lovely young blonde standing there in tiny skin-tight shorts and t-shirt. She looks into the man's eyes and says, "The pastor said that if you can catch me before 7:00 AM, I'm to let you have me." And with that, she turns and runs down the street toward the park. The man tries his best, but after an entire hour he never comes close to catching up to her. The next morning at 6:00 AM the man receives the same knock and statement and the hour long run ends the same way. This routine continues for many weeks and the man begins to lose weight and muscle up, becoming more trim and fit as each day passes. Finally, one morning the man comes so close to actually catching the young blonde within the hour limit that both are sweating and panting for breath on a park bench. The man looks at the young lady and says, "I have a feeling tomorrow's run will be a lot different." The next morning, the man is ready and waiting at the front door. He is wearing only his running shoes and a pair of small running shorts so as not to impede his "progress" before and after the run. Finally, there is the knock at the front door. He opens the door wide and finds an extremely overweight redhead standing there. She looks approvingly up and down the man's muscled body and says, "The pastor said that if I can catch you before 7:00 AM, I can have you."

06-12-2012, 10:14 PM	#5057
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

06-13-2012, 11:54 AM	#5058
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	1st scientist: "This morning, on my way in, a police officer pulled me over for running a red light. I thought I would try talking my way out of the ticket by explaining that the light wavelength had shortened as I approached the traffic signal and the blue-shift made the red light appear purple which I mistook for a green signal to proceed through the intersection." 2nd scientist: "And that argument was successful?" 1st scientist: "Yes, it was, he did not give me a ticket for running the red light. However, he did give me a ticket for speeding, instead."

06-13-2012, 12:46 PM	#5059
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Never mess with an officer who understands the Doppler effect!

06-13-2012, 12:58 PM	#5060
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,557 Karma: 79436716 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	Overheard on a bus: Two blondes chatting. One states. - I had a pregnancy test yesterday. The other asks - Oh. And ... were the questions dificult?

06-13-2012, 03:58 PM	#5061
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	Husband: "Honey, I was fired from the deli today." Wife: "What happened?" Husband: "I was overcome by the strongest urge to drop my pants and poke it in the pickle slicer." Wife: "You didn't!" Husband: "I did. That's why they fired me." Wife: "Are you hurt? Do you need a doctor?" Husband: "No, I'm fine. Not hurt at all." Wife: "Really? ... Well, then what about the pickle slicer?" Husband: "Oh, she was fired, too."

06-13-2012, 06:28 PM	#5062
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Two guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

06-14-2012, 12:31 AM	#5064
maxiart The Black-Hearted Posts: 99 Karma: 141748 Join Date: May 2012 Location: Latin America Device: Nook Simple Touch	I don't know whether to laugh or to cry at so many bad jokes in one place x.x

06-14-2012, 09:29 AM	#5067
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	A man walking down a country meets a young boy walking the other way. The boy is holding the end of a chain which is leashed to a small creature that seems to be all teeth and fur. "Well, what is that you got there?" asks the man. "This here's a woolybugger," replies the boy. "That so?" says the man. "What exactly is a woolybugger?" "He's just a little monster I found. He's good at tearing stuff up. Here, I'll show you." And with that the boy says, "Woolybugger, that stump." Immediately the small creature leaps out to the extent of the chain and begins ripping the roadside stump to pieces. Within seconds there is nothing left but sawdust. "Wow," that man says, "let me see him do that again." "Woolybugger," the boy states again, "that rock." Again the creature leaps forward and begins demolishing a large stone. Within seconds nothing is left but a pile of fine gravel. The man decides he wants the little creature and tries to talk the boy into selling it to him. They are in serious discussing of proper payment for the creature when a second man happens by on the road. "Hey, you two," calls the newcomer, "what's that thing you got there?" "This is a woolybugger," the first man answers. "Yeah, right," the second man states skeptically. "Woolybugger, my ass."

06-14-2012, 12:34 PM	#5068
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Ancient joke that has wee sweary words so look away now if you have a nervous disposition. Two elderly gentlemen, smartly dressed, were sitting together in the rear seat of a double decker bus discussing their last safari. A lady boarded the bus, sat in front of them and listened to their conversation. "No! Definitely W A RR UM," exclaimed the first gentleman. "Damn it no," said the second, has to be "W U R U M A." At this point the lady looked around and very quietly apologised for interrupting but said, "I think the word you are trying to spell is 'Womb', WOMB." Indignantly the first gentleman looked at the interloper and snorted, "Madam, I doubt you have seen a hippo in the wild, let alone heard one fart underwater!" OK, those nervy types can look again now.

06-14-2012, 03:17 PM	#5069
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	A kid enters a pet shop, walks to the counter and asks, "Hey, mithta, can I buy thum boid theed?" The clerk looks at the boy and says, "If you can ask again where I can understand you, maybe." The kid turns and walks out. The next day, the same kid enters and asks again, "Hey, mithta, can I buy thum boid theed?" Again the clerk says, "If you can ask where I can understand you." The kid turns and walks out. The next day, the same kid enters the store again. He walks up to the clerk and sets a paper bag on the counter. "Hey, mithta, wanna dead boid?"

06-14-2012, 03:36 PM	#5070
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	The teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation. Mary went first. "My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie." Next came Tommy. "My dad is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r, and if he were here, he'd give each of us a quarter." Third came Jimmy. "My dad is an electrician.'' But after struggling through a number of attempts to spell the word, the teacher asked him to sit and think about it for a moment while she called on someone else. She then turned to Johnny. "My dad's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e," Johnny said. "And if he were here, he'd lay you 8 to 5 that Jimmy ain't never gonna spell electrician."