Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Fbone]

"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."

[orlok]

I tried to change my password to "Twilight", but the system said that the "Characters are weak".

[steven522]

Originally Posted by orlok

I tried to change my password to "Twilight"...

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by orlok

I tried to change my password to "Twilight", but the system said that the "Characters are weak".

Double

[Fbone]

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer.

[Fbone]

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am."
An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four."
The man says, "How can you tell?"
The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

[Stitchawl]

Originally Posted by Fbone

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am."
An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four."
The man says, "How can you tell?"
The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

Stitchawl

[steven522]

First old man: "My memory is so bad, I have no idea what I did yesterday."

Second old man: "Well, my memory is so bad, I have no idea what I did this morning."

Third old man: "Well, I am glad that I don't have any memory problems. Knock on wood..." (Third man raps soundly against the arm of his chair, then immediately looks around and stands up.) "Excuse me while I see who's at the door."

[Bilbo1967]

While we're on old people then....

...Two old men are discussing their 'regularity'.

"It's really annoying", says the first, "I'm up and down in the night to visit the toilet at all times. It's driving me mad".

"Oh, I don't have that problem at all", replies the second, "I'm regular as clockwork, bowel movement and pee at 7:30 sharp every morning".

"Wow, lucky you", responds the first man.

"Not really", comes the weary response, "I don't wake up till 8"!

[orlok]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic ask Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Ricky was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Ricky began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ......... smack his ass again!"

[Fbone]

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz."
The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"I'm sorry, he's on vacation."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's on a big case, not available for a week."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's playing golf today."
"Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"Speaking."

[Lycoming]

Look away now if you get enraged by anything funnier than Mickey Mouse.

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Sarah.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.


The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??


WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.



The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'



What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.


Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,


one note of caution:


There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.


· My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.


· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.


· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.


· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.


· I had no control over the drooling.


· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.


· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!



PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!


OK the sanctimonious may now return to browsing.

[Lycoming]

[Lycoming]

You know these folks have neighbour problems!

[Daithi]

I've got an old man joke.

Two old men in the upper 80s are sitting on a park bench. One of the old men says, "My wife and I will be celebrating our 65th wedding anniversary next week."

The other old man says, "That really great, congratulations. My wife... my wife passed about ten years ago, but I remarried. My new wife is 30 years old, very pretty, and we... we have a healthy sexual relationship."

The first old man says, "It sounds like you are quite lucky."

The other man says, "I suppose. I just wish... I wish I could remember where I live."