Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 336

orlok · 06-01-2012, 03:54 AM

steven522 · 06-01-2012, 11:46 AM

Classic school rivalry joke. Feel free to insert your your own "love to hate" team in place of the one stated.

Christmas time in Alabama. A large "living" nativity was scheduled to be held at the State Capital in Montgomery. Many different state colleges sent students to participate.

Right before the scheduled start time, three Auburn football players show up in hard hats, yellow raincoats, and boots and carrying axes and water hoses.

"Hold on," calls the director, "just what do you think you are doing?"

"We're the wise men for the Nativity," they reply. "You know... the three men from a fire."

Fbone · 06-01-2012, 06:43 PM

You're as innocent as a nun doing push-ups in a cucumber field.

???

James_Wilde · 06-03-2012, 01:57 PM

Well, I don't know what you're all doing today, but you aren't posting jokes, so here's one:

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

orlok · 06-03-2012, 02:01 PM

Fbone · 06-03-2012, 09:42 PM

You're just jealous because my cereal only talks to me.

steven522 · 06-04-2012, 12:53 PM

The constable of a small country town shows up at the scene of a terrible accident. A truck towing a trailer loaded with cattle has overturned and spilled its contents over the road. As he gets out of his car, he is approached by a local farmer who was nearby when the accident happened.

Walking up to the accident, the two come up on the first cow lying in the road. It is twitching and bawling loudly. "What's wrong with her?" the constable asks.

"She's got a broke leg, sir," replies the farmer. "She's in terrible pain."

"We can't have that," replies the constable. He chambers a round into his shotgun and points it at the suffering cow's head. BLAM!

They walk to the next cow. "And this one?"

"Broke leg."

BLAM!

"And this one?"

"Broke leg."

BLAM!

They repeat the procedure all around the truck until it is finally quiet. The constable then walks over to the truck driver who had been pulled from the truck and is propped up against a mailbox on the roadside. The driver is very pale and his right leg is turned slightly at an odd angle.

The constable looks down at the obviously distressed driver. "And what's wrong with you?"

"Not a thing," the driver quickly replies. "Not a damn thing's wrong."

Daithi · 06-04-2012, 05:09 PM

Two brothers, ages 5 and 8, sit down at the breakfast table one morning.

Alex, the older of the two boys says, "Tommy, I was over at Billy's house yesterday after school, and he cussed right in front of his mom. She didn't do anything. He says he does it all the time and never gets in trouble. He says you have to train your parents. He says you can't just let them set all the rules. You have to stand up for yourself. So, I've decided that you and I are going to say a cuss word right in front of Mom. I'm going to say God damn and you say ass. Ok?"

"All right, but you have to go first," says Tommy.

Alex and Tommy's mom comes into the kitchen and says, "What would you boys like for breakfast this morning?"

"Make me a bowl of some god damned Cheerios," says Alex.

Alex's mom went ballistic. She snatched him up out of his chair before he could even blink. She wrenched him up into the air by his arm, so that he was on his tippy toes, and then she went to town spanky his backside with one of her shoes. He did a little dance as he tried unsuccessfully to get even higher on his toes and out of the way of that shoe smacking his butt.

"Oww! Oww! I'm sorry Mom! Stop! Oww!" he cried.

"You get your fanny up to your room!" yelled Alex's mom, and as soon as she let go of his arm he made it his mission to get out of that kitchen and up to his room as soon as possible.

Alex's mom, still quite clearly upset, took a deep breath then turned to Tommy. "What would you like for breakfast?" she asked.

Tommy stammered, "I'm not sure, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

wannabee · 06-04-2012, 08:23 PM

Kumabjorn · 06-05-2012, 02:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

You're as innocent as a nun doing push-ups in a cucumber field.

???

Shouldn't that be "squats"?

Lynx-lynx · 06-05-2012, 05:57 AM

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?"

Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."

steven522 · 06-06-2012, 11:20 AM

A duck walks into a local pharmacy and asks the clerk for some cherry chapstick. The clerk rings up the product and asks, "Cash or charge?"

The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."

The duck then asks for a pack of condoms. The clerk rings up the product and asks, "You want me to put these on your bill, also?"

"Hey," replies the duck, "I'll have you know that I'm not that kind of duck!"

Daithi · 06-06-2012, 11:49 AM

The following is supposedly a true story.

An Irish TV commentator was speaking with some school kids, and one of the kids mentioned that he used to ride his horse to school.

The commentator asked why the boy didn't ride his horse to school any more, and the boy said, "My horse got old and sick, so my dad dug a hole and shot him."

The commentator asked, "He shot him in the hole?"

And the boy replied, "No, he shot him in the head."

steven522 · 06-06-2012, 02:42 PM

After being out all day and not having anything to show for it other than an empty bait bucket, the fisherman decides to pack it in after one last cast. Just as the hook hits the water, a large bass gulps it down. The fisherman reels it in, and desperate to try again, begins searching around for anything that might be used for bait.

Near the edge of the water, the fisherman finds a small green snake with a little frog in its mouth. Picking up the snake, the fisherman carefully removes the frog. Feeling bad, he takes out a beer from the cooler and tips a little into the snakes mouth before setting him back near the water's edge.

Quickly, the fisherman puts the frog on the hook and casts. Immediately another large bass hits the bait and the fisherman reels him in. As he is taking the bass off the hook, he feels something brush against his leg.

The fisherman looks down to see the little green snake has caught him another frog.

Fbone · 06-06-2012, 09:13 PM

You're old when the porn you bring home is "Debbie Does Dialysis".

06-04-2012, 05:09 PM	#5033
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	Two brothers, ages 5 and 8, sit down at the breakfast table one morning. Alex, the older of the two boys says, "Tommy, I was over at Billy's house yesterday after school, and he cussed right in front of his mom. She didn't do anything. He says he does it all the time and never gets in trouble. He says you have to train your parents. He says you can't just let them set all the rules. You have to stand up for yourself. So, I've decided that you and I are going to say a cuss word right in front of Mom. I'm going to say God damn and you say ass. Ok?" "All right, but you have to go first," says Tommy. Alex and Tommy's mom comes into the kitchen and says, "What would you boys like for breakfast this morning?" "Make me a bowl of some god damned Cheerios," says Alex. Alex's mom went ballistic. She snatched him up out of his chair before he could even blink. She wrenched him up into the air by his arm, so that he was on his tippy toes, and then she went to town spanky his backside with one of her shoes. He did a little dance as he tried unsuccessfully to get even higher on his toes and out of the way of that shoe smacking his butt. "Oww! Oww! I'm sorry Mom! Stop! Oww!" he cried. "You get your fanny up to your room!" yelled Alex's mom, and as soon as she let go of his arm he made it his mission to get out of that kitchen and up to his room as soon as possible. Alex's mom, still quite clearly upset, took a deep breath then turned to Tommy. "What would you like for breakfast?" she asked. Tommy stammered, "I'm not sure, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios." Last edited by Daithi; 06-04-2012 at 05:12 PM.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Add from the Mobile Read Library?	danwdoo	Calibre	8	12-03-2014 06:03 PM
Good Day Eh!! :-)	Gedvondur	Introduce Yourself	12	07-22-2010 12:16 AM
Classic Is there a way to lighten the background?	rlsamson	Barnes & Noble NOOK	3	06-30-2010 04:56 PM
Read-in-Microsoft-Reader 1.1.3 add-in released	Alexander Turcic	Reading and Management	2	02-20-2006 03:47 AM

06-01-2012, 03:54 AM	#5026
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"

06-01-2012, 11:46 AM	#5027
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	Classic school rivalry joke. Feel free to insert your your own "love to hate" team in place of the one stated. Christmas time in Alabama. A large "living" nativity was scheduled to be held at the State Capital in Montgomery. Many different state colleges sent students to participate. Right before the scheduled start time, three Auburn football players show up in hard hats, yellow raincoats, and boots and carrying axes and water hoses. "Hold on," calls the director, "just what do you think you are doing?" "We're the wise men for the Nativity," they reply. "You know... the three men from a fire."

06-01-2012, 06:43 PM	#5028
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You're as innocent as a nun doing push-ups in a cucumber field. ???

06-03-2012, 01:57 PM	#5029
James_Wilde Guru Posts: 802 Karma: 4727110 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Iriver Story	Well, I don't know what you're all doing today, but you aren't posting jokes, so here's one: A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property." "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

06-03-2012, 02:01 PM	#5030
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"

06-03-2012, 09:42 PM	#5031
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You're just jealous because my cereal only talks to me.

06-04-2012, 12:53 PM	#5032
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	The constable of a small country town shows up at the scene of a terrible accident. A truck towing a trailer loaded with cattle has overturned and spilled its contents over the road. As he gets out of his car, he is approached by a local farmer who was nearby when the accident happened. Walking up to the accident, the two come up on the first cow lying in the road. It is twitching and bawling loudly. "What's wrong with her?" the constable asks. "She's got a broke leg, sir," replies the farmer. "She's in terrible pain." "We can't have that," replies the constable. He chambers a round into his shotgun and points it at the suffering cow's head. BLAM! They walk to the next cow. "And this one?" "Broke leg." BLAM! "And this one?" "Broke leg." BLAM! They repeat the procedure all around the truck until it is finally quiet. The constable then walks over to the truck driver who had been pulled from the truck and is propped up against a mailbox on the roadside. The driver is very pale and his right leg is turned slightly at an odd angle. The constable looks down at the obviously distressed driver. "And what's wrong with you?" "Not a thing," the driver quickly replies. "Not a damn thing's wrong."

06-04-2012, 08:23 PM	#5034
wannabee Media Bloke Posts: 2,382 Karma: 113956855 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: NSW - Australia Device: iOS

06-05-2012, 05:57 AM	#5036
Lynx-lynx Treachery of images ... Posts: 4,123 Karma: 93720365 Join Date: May 2012 Location: Australia Device: Sony 650, Kobo Glo, H2O, Aura One, Forma, Libra 2, Libra Colour	Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."

06-06-2012, 11:20 AM	#5037
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	A duck walks into a local pharmacy and asks the clerk for some cherry chapstick. The clerk rings up the product and asks, "Cash or charge?" The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill." The duck then asks for a pack of condoms. The clerk rings up the product and asks, "You want me to put these on your bill, also?" "Hey," replies the duck, "I'll have you know that I'm not that kind of duck!"

06-06-2012, 11:49 AM	#5038
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	The following is supposedly a true story. An Irish TV commentator was speaking with some school kids, and one of the kids mentioned that he used to ride his horse to school. The commentator asked why the boy didn't ride his horse to school any more, and the boy said, "My horse got old and sick, so my dad dug a hole and shot him." The commentator asked, "He shot him in the hole?" And the boy replied, "No, he shot him in the head."

06-06-2012, 02:42 PM	#5039
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	After being out all day and not having anything to show for it other than an empty bait bucket, the fisherman decides to pack it in after one last cast. Just as the hook hits the water, a large bass gulps it down. The fisherman reels it in, and desperate to try again, begins searching around for anything that might be used for bait. Near the edge of the water, the fisherman finds a small green snake with a little frog in its mouth. Picking up the snake, the fisherman carefully removes the frog. Feeling bad, he takes out a beer from the cooler and tips a little into the snakes mouth before setting him back near the water's edge. Quickly, the fisherman puts the frog on the hook and casts. Immediately another large bass hits the bait and the fisherman reels him in. As he is taking the bass off the hook, he feels something brush against his leg. The fisherman looks down to see the little green snake has caught him another frog.

06-06-2012, 09:13 PM	#5040
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You're old when the porn you bring home is "Debbie Does Dialysis".