Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 335

yvanleterrible · 05-29-2012, 05:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

I find that I agree with many of them. Should that worry me or you?

Stitchawl

Not at all. I agree with all of them but the bisex angels. We all know they're all boys...

Stitchawl · 05-29-2012, 08:57 AM

After being married for 25 years, I took a careful look at my wife
one day and said, 'Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment. a
cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white
TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20-year-old gal.

Now I have a $700,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and
plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 45-year-old woman…… It seems
to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’

My wife is a very reasonable woman……… She told me to go out and find a
hot 20-year-old gal again, and she would make sure that I would once again
…………………be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed,
and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...

Stitchawl

Lycoming · 05-29-2012, 09:02 AM

Look away now if you are disturbed by images of...... well anything.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

OK you can look again now.

MJK2111 · 05-29-2012, 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by steven522

Darth Vader: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. I have felt your presents."

That is soooooooooo bad, it's actually funny!

steven522 · 05-29-2012, 04:11 PM

"Mom! I don't want to eat this roasted wookie. It tastes chewie."

Fbone · 05-30-2012, 02:44 AM

You know you're getting older when happy hour is a nap.

steven522 · 05-30-2012, 12:26 PM

"I woke up from a quick 10 minute nap the other day and had a stiff neck from the angle of my head while snoozing. I actually hurt myself sleeping. That has to be a sure sign you're getting old.

"Man, I can remember when I was a teenager... I could sleep for 18 to 20 hours, easily, and wake up actually feeling good!"

Daithi · 05-30-2012, 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

Examination results for Dept. of Health applicants in Malawi! (my family used to live here, so it's of particular interest to me...)

1. THREE KINDS OF BLOOD VESSELS ARE ARTERIES, VEINS AND CATERPILLARS.
2. TYPHOID FEVER MAY BE PREVENTED BY FACINATION.
3. A CIRCLE IS A LINE WHICH MEETS ITS OTHER END WITHOUT ENDING.
4. A SUPER SATURATED SOLUTION IS THE ONE THAT CAN HOLD MORE THAN IT CAN HOLD.
5. THE HYDRA GETS ITS FOOD INTO ITS MOUTH BY DECENDING UPON ITS PREY AND PUSHING IT INTO ITS MOUTH WITH ITS TESTICLES.
6. FOR FAINTING RUB A PERSONS CHEST OR IF A LADY RUB HER ARM ABOVE THE HAND.
7. FOR FRACTURES, TO SEE IF THE LIMB IS BROKEN, WIGGLE IT GENTLY BACK AND FORTH.
8. FOR DOG BITE, PUT THE DOG AWAY FOR SEVERAL DAYS; IF IT HAS NOT RECOVERED THEN KILL IT.
9. TO REMOVE DUST FROM THE EYE, PULL THE EYE OVER THE NOSE.
10. FOR HEAD COLDS , USE AN AGONISER TO SPRAY NOSE UNTIL IT DROPS INTO YOUR THROAT.
11. FOR SNAKE BITE, BLEED THE WOUND AND RAPE THE VICTIM IN A BLANKET FOR SHOCK.
12. FOR ASPHYXIATION APPLY ARTIFICAL RESPIRATION UNTIL THE PATIENT IS DEAD.
13. BLOOD FLOWS DOWN ONE LEG AND UP THE OTHER.
14. PARALLEL LINES DO NOT MEET UNLESS YOU BEND ONE OR BOTH OF THEM
15. A MAGNET IS SOMETHING YOU FIND IN A BAD APPLE.
16. GEOMETRY TEACHES US TO BISEX ANGELS.

It wouldn't let me give you more karma, but this was funny, especially since a couple of them made complete sense to me (3 & 4 in particular, and I couldn't stop laughing at 5, 8, & 11).

Hamlet53 · 05-30-2012, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daithi

It wouldn't let me give you more karma, but this was funny, especially since a couple of them made complete sense to me (3 & 4 in particular, and I couldn't stop laughing at 5, 8, & 11).

Then there is Euclid's actual definition of a straight line (translated of course):

"that which lies evenly with the points on itself."

Fbone · 05-30-2012, 07:28 PM

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

wannabee · 05-30-2012, 11:55 PM

3 young Glasgow Primary pupils with a reputation as being likeable rogues decided that they needed to improve their street cred. After much debate they decided that they needed to have cool nicknames:

Ryan became Rydo
Alan became Aldo
Dylan became ................

Poor wee soul had no idea!!

steven522 · 05-31-2012, 09:14 AM

This one will only be understood by people in and around the southern USA:

Man to clerk behind the counter: "I'd like to buy a moon pie and an RC cola."
Clerk: "You must be from Alabama."
Man: "Why, yes, I am. Did the accent give it away?"
Clerk: "No, sir, because this is a hardware store."

Another one...

Two men are traveling through Alabama and pass through the town of Arab. One man is pretty sure the town calls itself "Ay-rab" and the other thinks it calls itself "Air-ub". They make a wager on the proper pronunciation and pull into to a local fast food restaurant drive through to ask.

"Excuse me, miss," the man driving says to the friendly female voice coming from the speaker, "my friend and I have a little bet we need you to help us with. While driving through your town we were arguing over exactly how to say the name of this place, can you tell us the proper way to say it?"

After a moment of silence, the voice from the speaker says, very slowly and carefully: "Day-ree-queen."

CraftyDan · 05-31-2012, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by steven522

This one will only be understood by people in and around the southern USA:

Man to clerk behind the counter: "I'd like to buy a moon pie and an RC cola."
Clerk: "You must be from Alabama."
Man: "Why, yes, I am. Did the accent give it away?"
Clerk: "No, sir, because this is a hardware store."

What kinda high-flautin' hardware store won't carry moonpies and RC?!?!?!? What's next? No live bait in the back? A plumbing section?

Ya'll Yankees just don't know what yur missin' . . .

Fbone · 05-31-2012, 05:50 PM

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

PeterT · 05-31-2012, 09:38 PM

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

05-31-2012, 09:38 PM	#5025
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,550 Karma: 79436716 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.' 'Mrs. Sanders, please.' 'Speaking.' 'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.' What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. 'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.' That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders. 'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.' 'Well, what am I supposed to do now?' 'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

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05-29-2012, 08:57 AM	#5012
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	After being married for 25 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment. a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20-year-old gal. Now I have a $700,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 45-year-old woman…… It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’ My wife is a very reasonable woman……… She told me to go out and find a hot 20-year-old gal again, and she would make sure that I would once again …………………be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis... Stitchawl

05-29-2012, 09:02 AM	#5013
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Look away now if you are disturbed by images of...... well anything. A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion." OK you can look again now.

05-29-2012, 04:11 PM	#5015
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	"Mom! I don't want to eat this roasted wookie. It tastes chewie."

05-30-2012, 02:44 AM	#5016
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You know you're getting older when happy hour is a nap.

05-30-2012, 12:26 PM	#5017
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	"I woke up from a quick 10 minute nap the other day and had a stiff neck from the angle of my head while snoozing. I actually hurt myself sleeping. That has to be a sure sign you're getting old. "Man, I can remember when I was a teenager... I could sleep for 18 to 20 hours, easily, and wake up actually feeling good!"

05-30-2012, 07:28 PM	#5020
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

05-30-2012, 11:55 PM	#5021
wannabee Media Bloke Posts: 2,382 Karma: 113956855 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: NSW - Australia Device: iOS	3 young Glasgow Primary pupils with a reputation as being likeable rogues decided that they needed to improve their street cred. After much debate they decided that they needed to have cool nicknames: Ryan became Rydo Alan became Aldo Dylan became ................ Poor wee soul had no idea!!

05-31-2012, 09:14 AM	#5022
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	This one will only be understood by people in and around the southern USA: Man to clerk behind the counter: "I'd like to buy a moon pie and an RC cola." Clerk: "You must be from Alabama." Man: "Why, yes, I am. Did the accent give it away?" Clerk: "No, sir, because this is a hardware store." Another one... Two men are traveling through Alabama and pass through the town of Arab. One man is pretty sure the town calls itself "Ay-rab" and the other thinks it calls itself "Air-ub". They make a wager on the proper pronunciation and pull into to a local fast food restaurant drive through to ask. "Excuse me, miss," the man driving says to the friendly female voice coming from the speaker, "my friend and I have a little bet we need you to help us with. While driving through your town we were arguing over exactly how to say the name of this place, can you tell us the proper way to say it?" After a moment of silence, the voice from the speaker says, very slowly and carefully: "Day-ree-queen."

05-31-2012, 05:50 PM	#5024
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The batteries were given out free of charge. A will is a dead giveaway. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.