Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 334

orlok · 05-24-2012, 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

... you can pick your nose ...

If I could've picked my nose, it certainly wouldn't be the one I currently have!

CyGuy · 05-24-2012, 11:04 AM

4999 posts:

Wetdogeared · 05-24-2012, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CyGuy

4999 posts:

Plus 1

orlok · 05-25-2012, 06:57 AM

PARAPROSDOKIANS

The definition is: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and then call whatever you hit the target.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom:
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

Hamlet53 · 05-25-2012, 07:09 AM

"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all." Ogden Nash

wannabee · 05-25-2012, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hamlet53

"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all." Ogden Nash

Balls. . . If they're not for dancing they must be for kicking. Either way you gotta have a bit of fun.

Fbone · 05-25-2012, 08:30 PM

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

Lycoming · 05-26-2012, 01:56 PM

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What
are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I
was born. Couldn't walk for a year .

Fbone · 05-26-2012, 04:13 PM

You know that look women get when they want sex?

Me neither.

Fbone · 05-27-2012, 04:47 PM

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

orlok · 05-28-2012, 06:37 AM

Examination results for Dept. of Health applicants in Malawi! (my family used to live here, so it's of particular interest to me...)

1. THREE KINDS OF BLOOD VESSELS ARE ARTERIES, VEINS AND CATERPILLARS.
2. TYPHOID FEVER MAY BE PREVENTED BY FACINATION.
3. A CIRCLE IS A LINE WHICH MEETS ITS OTHER END WITHOUT ENDING.
4. A SUPER SATURATED SOLUTION IS THE ONE THAT CAN HOLD MORE THAN IT CAN HOLD.
5. THE HYDRA GETS ITS FOOD INTO ITS MOUTH BY DECENDING UPON ITS PREY AND PUSHING IT INTO ITS MOUTH WITH ITS TESTICLES.
6. FOR FAINTING RUB A PERSONS CHEST OR IF A LADY RUB HER ARM ABOVE THE HAND.
7. FOR FRACTURES, TO SEE IF THE LIMB IS BROKEN, WIGGLE IT GENTLY BACK AND FORTH.
8. FOR DOG BITE, PUT THE DOG AWAY FOR SEVERAL DAYS; IF IT HAS NOT RECOVERED THEN KILL IT.
9. TO REMOVE DUST FROM THE EYE, PULL THE EYE OVER THE NOSE.
10. FOR HEAD COLDS , USE AN AGONISER TO SPRAY NOSE UNTIL IT DROPS INTO YOUR THROAT.
11. FOR SNAKE BITE, BLEED THE WOUND AND RAPE THE VICTIM IN A BLANKET FOR SHOCK.
12. FOR ASPHYXIATION APPLY ARTIFICAL RESPIRATION UNTIL THE PATIENT IS DEAD.
13. BLOOD FLOWS DOWN ONE LEG AND UP THE OTHER.
14. PARALLEL LINES DO NOT MEET UNLESS YOU BEND ONE OR BOTH OF THEM
15. A MAGNET IS SOMETHING YOU FIND IN A BAD APPLE.
16. GEOMETRY TEACHES US TO BISEX ANGELS.

Stitchawl · 05-28-2012, 07:31 AM

I find that I agree with many of them. Should that worry me or you?

Stitchawl

steven522 · 05-28-2012, 09:44 AM

Darth Vader: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. I have felt your presents."

steven522 · 05-28-2012, 09:50 AM

While driving around with my daughter and a friend of hers in the back, the road trip conversation somehow led to Star Wars. The question was posed if Chewbacca was supposed to be a bigfoot.
"Well," I joked, "if he is a sasquatch, and he flies around in the Falcon with Han, then he must be an aerial-squatch."
A moment of silence followed by: "You mean like 'the little mermaid'?"

I'll let the imagery of that particular mash-up construct inside your own imagination.

Fbone · 05-28-2012, 02:07 PM

You know you're getting old when all your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.

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05-24-2012, 11:04 AM	#4997
CyGuy Avid Reader Posts: 769 Karma: 7777778 Join Date: Aug 2009 Device: PocketBook 902, Galaxy Tab 2 7.0, ASUS TF700, and Cybook Gen III	4999 posts:

05-25-2012, 06:57 AM	#4999
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	PARAPROSDOKIANS The definition is: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and then call whatever you hit the target. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. Words of Wisdom: "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

05-25-2012, 07:09 AM	#5000
Hamlet53 Nameless Being	"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all." Ogden Nash

05-25-2012, 08:30 PM	#5002
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

05-26-2012, 01:56 PM	#5003
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A Circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year .

05-26-2012, 04:13 PM	#5004
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

05-27-2012, 04:47 PM	#5005
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

05-28-2012, 06:37 AM	#5006
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Examination results for Dept. of Health applicants in Malawi! (my family used to live here, so it's of particular interest to me...) 1. THREE KINDS OF BLOOD VESSELS ARE ARTERIES, VEINS AND CATERPILLARS. 2. TYPHOID FEVER MAY BE PREVENTED BY FACINATION. 3. A CIRCLE IS A LINE WHICH MEETS ITS OTHER END WITHOUT ENDING. 4. A SUPER SATURATED SOLUTION IS THE ONE THAT CAN HOLD MORE THAN IT CAN HOLD. 5. THE HYDRA GETS ITS FOOD INTO ITS MOUTH BY DECENDING UPON ITS PREY AND PUSHING IT INTO ITS MOUTH WITH ITS TESTICLES. 6. FOR FAINTING RUB A PERSONS CHEST OR IF A LADY RUB HER ARM ABOVE THE HAND. 7. FOR FRACTURES, TO SEE IF THE LIMB IS BROKEN, WIGGLE IT GENTLY BACK AND FORTH. 8. FOR DOG BITE, PUT THE DOG AWAY FOR SEVERAL DAYS; IF IT HAS NOT RECOVERED THEN KILL IT. 9. TO REMOVE DUST FROM THE EYE, PULL THE EYE OVER THE NOSE. 10. FOR HEAD COLDS , USE AN AGONISER TO SPRAY NOSE UNTIL IT DROPS INTO YOUR THROAT. 11. FOR SNAKE BITE, BLEED THE WOUND AND RAPE THE VICTIM IN A BLANKET FOR SHOCK. 12. FOR ASPHYXIATION APPLY ARTIFICAL RESPIRATION UNTIL THE PATIENT IS DEAD. 13. BLOOD FLOWS DOWN ONE LEG AND UP THE OTHER. 14. PARALLEL LINES DO NOT MEET UNLESS YOU BEND ONE OR BOTH OF THEM 15. A MAGNET IS SOMETHING YOU FIND IN A BAD APPLE. 16. GEOMETRY TEACHES US TO BISEX ANGELS.

05-28-2012, 07:31 AM	#5007
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	I find that I agree with many of them. Should that worry me or you? Stitchawl

05-28-2012, 09:44 AM	#5008
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	Darth Vader: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. I have felt your presents."

05-28-2012, 09:50 AM	#5009
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	While driving around with my daughter and a friend of hers in the back, the road trip conversation somehow led to Star Wars. The question was posed if Chewbacca was supposed to be a bigfoot. "Well," I joked, "if he is a sasquatch, and he flies around in the Falcon with Han, then he must be an aerial-squatch." A moment of silence followed by: "You mean like 'the little mermaid'?" I'll let the imagery of that particular mash-up construct inside your own imagination.

05-28-2012, 02:07 PM	#5010
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You know you're getting old when all your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.