Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 332

orlok · 05-11-2012, 05:17 AM

An evil atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.

Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!"

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again:

"Okay .....NOW you're screwed."

Fbone · 05-11-2012, 02:06 PM

While golfing the other day I broke 72. That's a lot of clubs.

wodin · 05-11-2012, 08:04 PM

I had to share this joke someone sent me.
I was laughing so hard, haha.....

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid lady was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her backside with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her body downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Ajax · 05-11-2012, 10:30 PM

Tommy and Ray were approaching the first tee.

Ray goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball."

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag and says "You can't lose it."

Tommy replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?"

Ray replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound. If you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, Tommy doesn't believe him, but Ray shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

Tommy says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!"

Ray replies, "I found it."

Ajax · 05-11-2012, 10:34 PM

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

Fbone · 05-13-2012, 02:27 PM

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

Lycoming · 05-13-2012, 04:37 PM

Superficiality's only skin deep.

Fbone · 05-14-2012, 03:15 PM

Why can't DOS ever say "Excellent command or filename"?

orlok · 05-14-2012, 03:16 PM

Imagine you're in a room with no windows and no doors, how do you get out?

Spoiler:

steven522 · 05-15-2012, 04:16 PM

"What kind of cow is that with only two legs propped against your barn?"
"Lean beef."
"And the one lying next to it with no legs at all?"
"Ground beef."
"Where do you find them?"
"The last place I left them."

steven522 · 05-15-2012, 04:18 PM

A blind man walks into an art gallery, leans down, picks his dog up by the tail and begins swinging the dog around in a circle. A security guard runs over and yells, "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
"Just taking a look around."

Fbone · 05-15-2012, 06:15 PM

Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?

To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

Fbone · 05-16-2012, 04:16 PM

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

PeterT · 05-16-2012, 07:01 PM

Why are they called "Near Misses" when a Near Miss is actually a HIT ?

wodin · 05-16-2012, 07:16 PM

Near Mrs. is that an almost married lady? Or maybe and almost divorced one?

05-14-2012, 03:16 PM	#4974
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Imagine you're in a room with no windows and no doors, how do you get out? Spoiler: Stop imagining.

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05-11-2012, 05:17 AM	#4966
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	An evil atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!" There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay .....NOW you're screwed."

05-11-2012, 02:06 PM	#4967
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	While golfing the other day I broke 72. That's a lot of clubs.

05-11-2012, 08:04 PM	#4968
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	I had to share this joke someone sent me. I was laughing so hard, haha..... You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em! We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid lady was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her backside with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her body downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!' The cab driver hit a parked car.

05-11-2012, 10:30 PM	#4969
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Tommy and Ray were approaching the first tee. Ray goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag and says "You can't lose it." Tommy replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?" Ray replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound. If you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, Tommy doesn't believe him, but Ray shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. Tommy says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!" Ray replies, "I found it."

05-11-2012, 10:34 PM	#4970
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

05-13-2012, 02:27 PM	#4971
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

05-13-2012, 04:37 PM	#4972
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Superficiality's only skin deep.

05-14-2012, 03:15 PM	#4973
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Why can't DOS ever say "Excellent command or filename"?

05-15-2012, 04:16 PM	#4975
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	"What kind of cow is that with only two legs propped against your barn?" "Lean beef." "And the one lying next to it with no legs at all?" "Ground beef." "Where do you find them?" "The last place I left them."

05-15-2012, 04:18 PM	#4976
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	A blind man walks into an art gallery, leans down, picks his dog up by the tail and begins swinging the dog around in a circle. A security guard runs over and yells, "Hey, what do you think you're doing?" "Just taking a look around."

05-15-2012, 06:15 PM	#4977
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

05-16-2012, 04:16 PM	#4978
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

05-16-2012, 07:01 PM	#4979
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,550 Karma: 79436716 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	Why are they called "Near Misses" when a Near Miss is actually a HIT ?

05-16-2012, 07:16 PM	#4980
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	Near Mrs. is that an almost married lady? Or maybe and almost divorced one?