Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 330

Daithi · 05-03-2012, 11:31 PM

A mommy tomato, daddy tomato, and baby tomato went out for a walk. The little baby tomato kept falling behind, and an exasperated daddy tomato finally turned around and yelled, "Ketchup!"

Daithi · 05-03-2012, 11:35 PM

The baby tomato isn't doing so well, and the mommy tomato and daddy tomato take him to the hospital. The doctor exams the little guy and reports back to the parents. "I have some bad news," says the doctor. "I'm afraid your son is going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Daddy tomato didn't deal with this news very well, so he went out got sauced up.

Mommy tomato went and got stewed herself.

Fbone · 05-04-2012, 05:05 AM

When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.

Fbone · 05-04-2012, 06:50 PM

When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.

lostmymarbles · 05-04-2012, 11:27 PM

I read something funny a few days back and I want to share.
Mind you, it might be offensive to some.

Ever wondered why when a girl sleeps with many guys, she's called a slut but when a guy sleeps with many girls, he's a champ?
Confucius once said that when a lock can be opened by many keys, it is called a bad lock, but when a key can be opened by many locks, it's called a master key.

Really lit up my day. Hope it does the same for you.

Ajax · 05-05-2012, 08:42 PM

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright."

Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"

Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."

And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"

He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands. The caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap." Stevie says "Well I play off scratch."

Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for that-when would you like to play?"

"I don't care,any night next week is ok with me." Wonder replies

Ajax · 05-05-2012, 08:44 PM

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

Fbone · 05-06-2012, 07:15 AM

Walking into a bear's den can be grizzly.

orlok · 05-06-2012, 07:17 AM

I listened to the match last night. Burnt my flipping ear.

wodin · 05-06-2012, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ajax

Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"

Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."

And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"

Believe it or not, there are blind people who play golf, much as described.

yvanleterrible · 05-07-2012, 04:56 AM

And how does the caddie find his way on the links? No flashlight is powerful enough to situate yourself on the right part of a fairway to manage even a bogey...

Just being a mythbuster, the story is funny though!

orlok · 05-07-2012, 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

And how does the caddie find his way on the links? No flashlight is powerful enough to situate yourself on the right part of a fairway to manage even a bogey...

Just being a mythbuster, the story is funny though!

I don't suppose they really do it at night

.

WT Sharpe · 05-07-2012, 07:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

And how does the caddie find his way on the links? No flashlight is powerful enough to situate yourself on the right part of a fairway to manage even a bogey...

Just being a mythbuster, the story is funny though!

Maybe the caddie is blind, too.

Stitchawl · 05-07-2012, 07:57 AM

I've dived with blind divers in Saipan. Pretty good divers too! They didn't care if we did day or night dives.

Stitchawl

WT Sharpe · 05-07-2012, 10:12 AM

Sounds about right. Some fish are blind. And then there's always this guy:

05-03-2012, 11:35 PM	#4937
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	The baby tomato isn't doing so well, and the mommy tomato and daddy tomato take him to the hospital. The doctor exams the little guy and reports back to the parents. "I have some bad news," says the doctor. "I'm afraid your son is going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life." Daddy tomato didn't deal with this news very well, so he went out got sauced up. Mommy tomato went and got stewed herself. Last edited by Daithi; 05-04-2012 at 12:11 AM.

05-07-2012, 10:12 AM	#4950
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Sounds about right. Some fish are blind. And then there's always this guy: Attached Thumbnails

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05-03-2012, 11:31 PM	#4936
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	A mommy tomato, daddy tomato, and baby tomato went out for a walk. The little baby tomato kept falling behind, and an exasperated daddy tomato finally turned around and yelled, "Ketchup!"

05-04-2012, 05:05 AM	#4938
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.

05-04-2012, 06:50 PM	#4939
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.

05-04-2012, 11:27 PM	#4940
lostmymarbles Hunger Games Survivor Posts: 182 Karma: 127802 Join Date: May 2012 Location: Melbourne Device: Kindle	I read something funny a few days back and I want to share. Mind you, it might be offensive to some. Ever wondered why when a girl sleeps with many guys, she's called a slut but when a guy sleeps with many girls, he's a champ? Confucius once said that when a lock can be opened by many keys, it is called a bad lock, but when a key can be opened by many locks, it's called a master key. Really lit up my day. Hope it does the same for you.

05-05-2012, 08:42 PM	#4941
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf." Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now." Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright." Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!" Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years." And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?" He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands. The caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But how do you putt", says Nicklaus. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap." Stevie says "Well I play off scratch." Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for that-when would you like to play?" "I don't care,any night next week is ok with me." Wonder replies

05-05-2012, 08:44 PM	#4942
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

05-06-2012, 07:15 AM	#4943
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Walking into a bear's den can be grizzly.

05-06-2012, 07:17 AM	#4944
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	I listened to the match last night. Burnt my flipping ear.

05-07-2012, 04:56 AM	#4946
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	And how does the caddie find his way on the links? No flashlight is powerful enough to situate yourself on the right part of a fairway to manage even a bogey... Just being a mythbuster, the story is funny though!

05-07-2012, 07:57 AM	#4949
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	I've dived with blind divers in Saipan. Pretty good divers too! They didn't care if we did day or night dives. Stitchawl