Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 328

orlok · 04-28-2012, 08:42 AM

"Look at our neighbour!" I said to my wife. "He thinks he's so fancy with his new car, new suit and sexy girlfriend".

"Talk about sour grapes" she replied.

"If vineyard owners leave their crop too long or the weather is particularly unseasonable, chances are the fruit won't reach it's full potential," I replied.

Fbone · 04-28-2012, 03:06 PM

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Bilbo1967 · 04-28-2012, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Fbone · 04-29-2012, 09:00 PM

When I say I'm telekinetic somehow everything moves away.

orlok · 04-30-2012, 10:46 AM

I recently visited the aquarium and while I was there I saw a tank full of eels. I watched them for a while and I noticed that one eel in particular was acting strangely.

Every now and again it would go into it's cave, come back out with a rose in it's mouth and swim up to one of the other eels, before going into a complex mating dance in front of it.

I was intrigued, so I asked the attendant, "What kind of eel is that?"

To which he replied, "That's a moray".

lucasfernan89 · 04-30-2012, 11:35 AM

-Tiene libros para el cansancio?
-Si, pero están agotados!

badumtsss!

CyGuy · 04-30-2012, 11:36 AM

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he
can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it
dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian
club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put
it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play
on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I
hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her
job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been
stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the
government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

lucasfernan89 · 04-30-2012, 11:41 AM

That definitely lightened up my morning

Fbone · 04-30-2012, 03:06 PM

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Daithi · 04-30-2012, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CyGuy

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he
can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it
dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian
club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put
it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play
on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I
hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her
job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been
stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the
government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Use a pun, go to jail.

pdurrant · 04-30-2012, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CyGuy

Velcro what a rip off!

A splendid one-liner by Tim Vine.

One of his best:

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what: never again."

CyGuy · 05-01-2012, 09:05 AM

What does someone who just got kicked in the testicles and a land owner have in common? They both have a couple acres...

Mel Comley · 05-01-2012, 10:52 AM

Just spotted this on the forum!

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

orlok · 05-01-2012, 11:37 AM

I was having a blazing row with my wife when she suddenly went volcanic. She opened the fridge and threw a prawn cocktail at me and then threw pieces of garlic bread at me.

I said, "Calm down, what you doing that for?"

She screamed, "That's just for starters."

orlok · 05-01-2012, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel Comley

Just spotted this on the forum!

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

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04-28-2012, 08:42 AM	#4906
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	"Look at our neighbour!" I said to my wife. "He thinks he's so fancy with his new car, new suit and sexy girlfriend". "Talk about sour grapes" she replied. "If vineyard owners leave their crop too long or the weather is particularly unseasonable, chances are the fruit won't reach it's full potential," I replied.

04-28-2012, 03:06 PM	#4907
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

04-29-2012, 09:00 PM	#4909
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	When I say I'm telekinetic somehow everything moves away.

04-30-2012, 10:46 AM	#4910
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	I recently visited the aquarium and while I was there I saw a tank full of eels. I watched them for a while and I noticed that one eel in particular was acting strangely. Every now and again it would go into it's cave, come back out with a rose in it's mouth and swim up to one of the other eels, before going into a complex mating dance in front of it. I was intrigued, so I asked the attendant, "What kind of eel is that?" To which he replied, "That's a moray".

04-30-2012, 11:35 AM	#4911
lucasfernan89 Fanatic Posts: 544 Karma: 39406 Join Date: Apr 2012 Device: Kindle	-Tiene libros para el cansancio? -Si, pero están agotados! badumtsss!

04-30-2012, 11:36 AM	#4912
CyGuy Avid Reader Posts: 769 Karma: 7777778 Join Date: Aug 2009 Device: PocketBook 902, Galaxy Tab 2 7.0, ASUS TF700, and Cybook Gen III	When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. PMS jokes aren't funny; period. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. Velcro what a rip off! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

04-30-2012, 11:41 AM	#4913
lucasfernan89 Fanatic Posts: 544 Karma: 39406 Join Date: Apr 2012 Device: Kindle	That definitely lightened up my morning

04-30-2012, 03:06 PM	#4914
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

05-01-2012, 09:05 AM	#4917
CyGuy Avid Reader Posts: 769 Karma: 7777778 Join Date: Aug 2009 Device: PocketBook 902, Galaxy Tab 2 7.0, ASUS TF700, and Cybook Gen III	What does someone who just got kicked in the testicles and a land owner have in common? They both have a couple acres...

05-01-2012, 10:52 AM	#4918
Mel Comley Addict Posts: 318 Karma: 602031 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: France Device: none	Just spotted this on the forum! A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied.

05-01-2012, 11:37 AM	#4919
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	I was having a blazing row with my wife when she suddenly went volcanic. She opened the fridge and threw a prawn cocktail at me and then threw pieces of garlic bread at me. I said, "Calm down, what you doing that for?" She screamed, "That's just for starters."