Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 319

WT Sharpe · 04-05-2012, 08:55 PM

It was a mirror image. The 4 never really fit that well.

badgoodDeb · 04-05-2012, 09:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

It was a mirror image. The 4 never really fit that well.

Mirror image? I only saw upside-downer tricks. (And I can't make it say anything when I mirror it either.) Could just be me....

Daithi · 04-05-2012, 09:12 PM

Ever wonder if beer contains female hormones?

When you drink too much beer you gain weight, talk excessively without making sense, become emotional, fight for no reason, and can’t drive.

WT Sharpe · 04-05-2012, 09:14 PM

It was suppose to spell out "the pope". It's been a long time, and I've forgotten how the joke went.

Daithi · 04-05-2012, 09:26 PM

To make up for my last joke--

A lady was walking along a beach one day and stumbled upon something. She looked down and found it was an Aladdin's Lamp. She picked it up, rubbed it, and poof out came the genie.

"I am the genie of the lamp, and I will grant you three wishes!" bellowed the genie, "However, I see you are going through a divorce right now, and you are being a complete bee-yatch. So, I'll give you what you wish for, but I will give your husband twice as much."

The lady immediately says, "I want $100 million dollars."

The genie says, "Granted, but you husband now has $200 million dollars."

The lady then says, "I want a chateau on an island off the coast of France."

The genie says, "Granted, and your husband now has two castles on a pair of islands off the coast of Scotland."

At first, her husband getting twice as much as she got didn't bother her, but now she was starting to get steamed. She thinks real hard for her last wish, and then a smile breaks across her face.

"For my third wish," says the woman, "I'd like to be beaten half to death."

Daithi · 04-05-2012, 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

It was suppose to spell out "the pope". It's been a long time, and I've forgotten how the joke went.

You're lucky we can't give negative karma.

Fbone · 04-05-2012, 11:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

This one rings a bell. It implies (to me) a appreciation for the target object. The other number implies a lack of them (more a criticism, if you are a female). So I guess the two don't seem quite as close to me.

Just sayin.

Absolutely. I grew up in an area and culture where curvaceous girls were highly desired. This was long before the unhealthy thin look became popular.

So yes, that "number" was a criticism.

Bookpossum · 04-06-2012, 12:30 AM

Four brothers left home for college, and eventually they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who had moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver a SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost eight years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote:

Larry, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Bob, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good, thanks."

"Tony, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind and I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

Stitchawl · 04-06-2012, 01:51 AM

I was in a pub last night and saw two “ladies of size” (or "easy to see" as political correctness now requires us to say) by the bar.
They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making assumptions about their origins I said, "good evening, are you two lassies from Scotland?"

One of them screamed, "It’s WALES you f***ing idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said,
“Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”

(Ducking and running...)

Stitchawl

marino.DV · 04-06-2012, 03:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookpossum

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

The best so far

badgoodDeb · 04-06-2012, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

It was suppose to spell out "the pope". It's been a long time, and I've forgotten how the joke went.

I had temporary blindness. It hit me later in the day what it said. I got it then!

Fbone · 04-06-2012, 05:32 PM

Vacation begins when dad says, "I know a short cut."

Figlilly · 04-06-2012, 06:10 PM

Three old geezers are sitting on a park bench.

The first complains, "I'm 70 years old, I wake up every morning at 8, but it takes until 9 before I can pee."

The second complains, "I'm 80 years old, I wake up every morning at 7, but it takes at least until 9 until I can take a dump."

The third complains, "I'm 90 years old, and every morning at 7 I pee like a fountain, and at 8 I dump like a bear."

The two others look up at him, puzzled. "So what the heck is YOUR problem?"

"I don't wake before 9."

Stitchawl · 04-06-2012, 09:27 PM

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Stitchawl

dreams · 04-07-2012, 01:27 AM

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don 't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them, and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around, and waves again, He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and asks, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..........

(You know you could just click off and not
read the punch line....)

(Last chance)

(Are you sure you want to know?)

(OK, here it is)

It says.....

"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."

04-05-2012, 09:26 PM	#4775
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	To make up for my last joke-- A lady was walking along a beach one day and stumbled upon something. She looked down and found it was an Aladdin's Lamp. She picked it up, rubbed it, and poof out came the genie. "I am the genie of the lamp, and I will grant you three wishes!" bellowed the genie, "However, I see you are going through a divorce right now, and you are being a complete bee-yatch. So, I'll give you what you wish for, but I will give your husband twice as much." The lady immediately says, "I want $100 million dollars." The genie says, "Granted, but you husband now has $200 million dollars." The lady then says, "I want a chateau on an island off the coast of France." The genie says, "Granted, and your husband now has two castles on a pair of islands off the coast of Scotland." At first, her husband getting twice as much as she got didn't bother her, but now she was starting to get steamed. She thinks real hard for her last wish, and then a smile breaks across her face. "For my third wish," says the woman, "I'd like to be beaten half to death." Last edited by Daithi; 04-05-2012 at 09:32 PM. Reason: grammar

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04-05-2012, 08:55 PM	#4771
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	It was a mirror image. The 4 never really fit that well.

04-05-2012, 09:12 PM	#4773
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	Ever wonder if beer contains female hormones? When you drink too much beer you gain weight, talk excessively without making sense, become emotional, fight for no reason, and can’t drive.

04-05-2012, 09:14 PM	#4774
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	It was suppose to spell out "the pope". It's been a long time, and I've forgotten how the joke went.

04-06-2012, 12:30 AM	#4778
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	Four brothers left home for college, and eventually they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who had moved to Florida . The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a large theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver a SL600 to her." The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost eight years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes. She wrote: Larry, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Bob, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good, thanks." "Tony, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind and I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much." Love, Mama

04-06-2012, 01:51 AM	#4779
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	I was in a pub last night and saw two “ladies of size” (or "easy to see" as political correctness now requires us to say) by the bar. They both spoke with a brogue accent, and making assumptions about their origins I said, "good evening, are you two lassies from Scotland?" One of them screamed, "It’s WALES you f***ing idiot!" So, I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?” (Ducking and running...) Stitchawl

04-06-2012, 05:32 PM	#4782
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Vacation begins when dad says, "I know a short cut."

04-06-2012, 06:10 PM	#4783
Figlilly Zealot Posts: 122 Karma: 2514066 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Australia Device: Kindle Oasis 2&3, Paperwhites, Kindle Touch, Kobo Clara, IPad Air2	Three old geezers are sitting on a park bench. The first complains, "I'm 70 years old, I wake up every morning at 8, but it takes until 9 before I can pee." The second complains, "I'm 80 years old, I wake up every morning at 7, but it takes at least until 9 until I can take a dump." The third complains, "I'm 90 years old, and every morning at 7 I pee like a fountain, and at 8 I dump like a bear." The two others look up at him, puzzled. "So what the heck is YOUR problem?" "I don't wake before 9."

04-06-2012, 09:27 PM	#4784
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though." Stitchawl

04-07-2012, 01:27 AM	#4785
dreams It's about the umbrella Posts: 25,110 Karma: 56250158 Join Date: Jan 2009 Device: Sony 505\| K Fire \| KK 3G+Wi-Fi \| iPhone 3Gs \|Vista 32-bit Hm Prem w/FF	A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don 't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them, and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around, and waves again, He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and asks, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.......... (You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....) (Last chance) (Are you sure you want to know?) (OK, here it is) It says..... "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."