Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[wodin]

BOb! Wash out your mouth!

[garyanbear]

Alrighty, here's one I heard from a flight attendant on a WestJet flight (any other Canadians out here familiar with their awesome (if often corny) onboard humour?):

While on the Canadian portion of his Papal tour and en route to Toronto, the Pope looked out the window of his chauffeured limousine and it occurred to him how long it had been since he had last driven.
"There's nobody around on this stretch of highway," he thought to himself. "Surely I can convince the chauffeur to let me drive, just for a little while."
So the Pope addressed his chauffeur and requested to drive. While initially hesitant at the scheme, the chauffeur eventually gave in and pulled over so they could switch seats. After all, how does one go about refusing the Pope?
The Pope, pleased with this development, soon began to increase the speed of the limousine. 110 km/h...120 km/h...125 km/h...
The chauffeur protested at breaking the speed limit, but again found himself unable to contest the Pope's will. It is unsurprising then that as they approached the city, an RCMP officer pulled them over for speeding. When the officer reached the driver's side door, the driver's window rolled down and the Pope smiled up at him.
"Is there a problem, officer?"
The confused RCMP officer instructed the Pope to wait and went back to his patrol car, where he radioed his supervisor.
"Sir, I've got a bit of a problem. I've pulled over a limousine on the highway for speeding, but the particular person in the car is...high profile. It might cause political embarrassment to ticket him. What should I do?"

"Well, who is it? Is it the mayor of Toronto? Just give him the ticket."

"No sir, a tad more important than the mayor..."

"The Premier of Ontario? How would letting him get off easy look? Give him the ticket."

"No sir, definitely more important than the Premier."

"The Prime Minister, then? I thought he was on a state visit somewhere..."

"No sir, still more important than the Prime Minister."

"Well who the hell is it?!"

"Well sir I have no idea. But whoever it is, they hired the Pope as their chauffeur."

[Bookpossum]

All the top chess players show up at a hotel for an important international tournament. They spend the first hour hanging around the lobby telling each other of their recent victories. Their crows get progressively louder and louder as each one tries to outdo the others.

The hotel manager gets tired of this, so he throws them out of the lobby and tells them to go to their rooms. "If there's one thing I can't stand," he says, "it's chess nuts boasting by an open foyer."

[Fbone]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

[orlok]

My wife texted me to say that her windows were frozen over, so I texed her back to say do what I do, pour water over them. She texted me back again a few minutes later to say that our computer is now completely @~&%ed.

[benham]

Should have seen that coming

[yvanleterrible]

Originally Posted by benham

Should have seen that coming

Me too!

[Figlilly]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.




This is how it manifests itself:



I decide to water my garden.



As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.



As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.



I decide to go through it before I wash the car.



I put my car keys on the table,put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table,and notice that the recycling box is full.



So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.



But then I think,since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the recycling paper anyway,I may as well pay the bills first.



I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.



My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where 
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.




I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.



The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.



As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water. 
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.



I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.



I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.



I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.



I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.



So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.



Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.



At the end of the day:


The car isn't washed

,
The bills aren't paid

,
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface

,
The flowers don't have enough water,


There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,


I can't find the remote,


I can't find my glasses,


And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.



Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.



I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

[Bookpossum]

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country. Each summer the lawyer would invite a different friend to spend a week or two.

On one occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their breakfast. As they went around the berry patch gathering blueberries and raspberries, along came two huge bears, a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in that one," cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.

He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

"What did you do that for?" exclaimed the lawyer. "I said he was in the other one!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

[orlok]

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

[MJK2111]

Originally Posted by Daithi

A cannibal comes home late for dinner one evening and his wife gives him the cold shoulder.

So, anyone getting fed up with the cannibal jokes?

Nope! I'm hungry for MORE!

[PeterT]

But as Flanders and Swann said

Flanders: A song which we call, "The Reluctant Cannibal":
 	  
             Seated one day at the tom-tom,
             I heard a welcome shout from the kitchen:
             "COME AND GEEEEEEEEEEET IT!"
             Roast leg of insurance salesman!
 	  
             A chorus of "yum"s ran round the table:
             (Yum yum yum yum yum yum yum...)
             Except for Junior, who pushed away his shell,
             Got up from his log, and said:
 	  
Swann:   "I don't want any part of it!"
 	  
Flanders: What? Why not?
 	  
Swann:   I don't eat people.
Flanders: Hey?
Swann:   I won't eat people.
Flanders: Huh?
Swann:   I don't eat people.
Flanders: I must be going deaf!
Swann:   Eating people is wrong.
Flanders: It's wrong?
 	  
Swann:   Don't eat people.
Flanders: Have you gone clean out of your mind?
Swann:   I won't eat people.
Flanders: What's the matter with the lad?
Swann:   Don't eat people.
Flanders: He keeps on repeating.
Both:      Eating people is bad.
 	  
Flanders: But people have always eaten people,
             What else is there to eat?
             If the Juju had meant us not to eat people,
             He wouldn't have made us of meat!
 	  
Swann:   Don't eat people.
Flanders: Oh no, not again.
Swann:   I won't eat people.
Flanders: All the day long.
Both:      Don't eat people.
Flanders: He keeps on repeating.
Both:      Eating people is wrong.
 	  
Flanders: Well... I... I never heard a more ridiculous idea in all my born days. To think that a son of mine should grow up to be a sissy - me, chief assistant to the assistant chief! I suppose you realise, son, if this was to get around, we might never get self-Government.

Swann:   I won't eat people!

Flanders: Have you been talking to one of your mothers again? You're not getting to be one of these cranks who think that eating people is cruel, are you? Seeing the man sitting in the pot and you think he's suffering. Oh, it's not like that at all. Why, he's just had an invigourating chase through the forest, sitting there in the nice warm water with all the carrots and dumplings and things, he's thinking, "Oh, the pleasure and happiness I'm going to give to a heap of people". That man in the pot there, he enjoys it!

Swann:   Eating people is wrong!
Flanders: Look son, son, I admire your sincerity. Always be sincere... whether you mean it or not. But you're young, you're young, when you're young you think you can change the whole world overnight, even eating people - I know, I've been young myself. Take it from your old Dad, you've just got to learnt to take the world as it is.

Swann:   I won't let another man pass my lips!

Flanders: I know why you say "Don't eat people", because you are a coward, Francis, that's your trouble. Yes, a yellow-livered coward. You wouldn't mind eating people if you weren't afraid of ending up in the pot yourself - how despicable! If you go on like this you're liable to get ME into hot water.
 	  
Swann:   I won't eat people.
Flanders: That's enough!
Swann:   I don't eat people.
Flanders: I don't want to...
Swann:   Eating people is wrong!
Flanders: Communist!
 	  
Flanders: Going around saying "Don't eat people",
             That's the way to make people hate'ya.
             We always have eaten people, always will eat people,
             You can't change human nature.
 	  
Flanders: Now let's try...
Swann:   I won't eat people,
             I don't eat people,
             I won't eat people,
             I don't eat people!

Flanders: Must have been someone he ate!
Swann:   Eating people is out!
 	  
Flanders: I give up, I give up, you used to be a regular anthrophagi. If this crazy idealistic idea of yours was to catch on, I just dunno where we would all be. Just about ruin our entire internal economy. Fortunately, I suppose it's catching on isn't really very likely - why, you might just as well going around saying "Don't fight people", for example...
 	  
Swann:   Don't fight people? Ha, ha! Don't fight people?! Ha ha ha!
Flanders: There, imagine? There, you see! All part of the same...
Both:	 (laughing) ... fantastical impossibility!
Flanders: That's the boy!
 	  
Both:      RIDICULOUS!

[Fbone]

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

[wodin]

Originally Posted by Hamlet53

I Love it! My wife is confined to a wheelchair, and I've been trying to figure out how I can buy a motorcycle without alienating her. By Jove! You’ve solved it!