Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 313

Fbone · 03-23-2012, 04:42 PM

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

Daithi · 03-23-2012, 04:47 PM

Linda had moved to England 3 years earlier and was finally getting used to the culture differences, but Halloween was tomorrow and she was already missing the prospect of little trick-or-treaters knocking on her door. No sooner has these thoughts crossed her mind when she heard a knock at the door.

Linda answered the door and recognized a little girl that lived across the street. She had seen this girl quite often, and Linda thought the kid was a little weird. She never seemed to play. She would just stand for hours in front of her house, next to a stroller containing a doll. Just standing there. Never playing. So, Linda was quite surprised to see the girl now standing in front of her door.

"Trick-or-treat," said the girl, who then proceeded to use the back of her arm as a handkerchief.

"Sweetie, Halloween is tomorrow, and you are supposed to dress up. If you dress up an come back tomorrow I'll see if I can't find you a treat, but I don't think most of the other people in the neighborhood celebrate Halloween."

The little girl turned away without saying another word, and pushing the stroller containing her doll, she went to the next house, continuing her misbegotten holiday ritual.

The next morning Linda left her flat and was greeted with a gruesome sight. Lying on her welcome mat was the head of the little girl's doll. A leg from the little girl's doll was lying on top of a neighbor's mailbox. Little doll parts were strewn throughout the neighborhood.

Later that evening Linda heard a knock at the door. With great apprehension Linda answered her door and once again there stood the little girl. She still wore no costume. Her stroller was again at her side -- but now containing her baby brother.

"Trick or treat," said the little girl.

WT Sharpe · 03-23-2012, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daithi

..."Trick or treat," said the little girl.

Little Wednesday goes Trick or Treating with her brother Pugsley.

Stitchawl · 03-23-2012, 07:37 PM

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Stitchawl

wodin · 03-23-2012, 07:53 PM

Ah, it brings back fond (NOT!) memories. Karma for that!

Lycoming · 03-24-2012, 01:36 PM

Once again look away now if words such as breast and nose upset you........

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Fbone · 03-24-2012, 03:09 PM

They call them fingers, but I've never seen them fing.

<Pause>

Oh wait - there they go.

WT Sharpe · 03-25-2012, 10:10 AM

If anyone doubts the average U.S. citizen is overweight:

Spoiler:

issybird · 03-25-2012, 10:35 AM

Cannibal Husband: I don’t like your mother.
Cannibal Wife: Try the potatoes.

Javed · 03-26-2012, 04:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by issybird

Cannibal Husband: I don’t like your mother.
Cannibal Wife: Try the potatoes.

Fbone · 03-26-2012, 01:51 PM

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

CyGuy · 03-27-2012, 12:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by issybird

Cannibal Husband: I don’t like your mother.
Cannibal Wife: Try the potatoes.

Did you hear the one about the cannibal that dumped his girlfriend?

orlok · 03-27-2012, 05:10 PM

^ Eeeewwwwww

Fbone · 03-27-2012, 10:45 PM

Today's children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!

orlok · 03-28-2012, 07:32 AM

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife, and was barraged for 2 hours.

Finally, his wife stopped nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by, & he didn't see his wife, Tuesday & Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

03-25-2012, 10:10 AM	#4688
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,073 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	If anyone doubts the average U.S. citizen is overweight: Spoiler: Last edited by WT Sharpe; 03-25-2012 at 10:13 AM.

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03-23-2012, 04:42 PM	#4681
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,193 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

03-23-2012, 04:47 PM	#4682
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	Linda had moved to England 3 years earlier and was finally getting used to the culture differences, but Halloween was tomorrow and she was already missing the prospect of little trick-or-treaters knocking on her door. No sooner has these thoughts crossed her mind when she heard a knock at the door. Linda answered the door and recognized a little girl that lived across the street. She had seen this girl quite often, and Linda thought the kid was a little weird. She never seemed to play. She would just stand for hours in front of her house, next to a stroller containing a doll. Just standing there. Never playing. So, Linda was quite surprised to see the girl now standing in front of her door. "Trick-or-treat," said the girl, who then proceeded to use the back of her arm as a handkerchief. "Sweetie, Halloween is tomorrow, and you are supposed to dress up. If you dress up an come back tomorrow I'll see if I can't find you a treat, but I don't think most of the other people in the neighborhood celebrate Halloween." The little girl turned away without saying another word, and pushing the stroller containing her doll, she went to the next house, continuing her misbegotten holiday ritual. The next morning Linda left her flat and was greeted with a gruesome sight. Lying on her welcome mat was the head of the little girl's doll. A leg from the little girl's doll was lying on top of a neighbor's mailbox. Little doll parts were strewn throughout the neighborhood. Later that evening Linda heard a knock at the door. With great apprehension Linda answered her door and once again there stood the little girl. She still wore no costume. Her stroller was again at her side -- but now containing her baby brother. "Trick or treat," said the little girl.

03-23-2012, 07:37 PM	#4684
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. Stitchawl

03-23-2012, 07:53 PM	#4685
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	Ah, it brings back fond (NOT!) memories. Karma for that!

03-24-2012, 01:36 PM	#4686
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Once again look away now if words such as breast and nose upset you........ Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

03-24-2012, 03:09 PM	#4687
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,193 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	They call them fingers, but I've never seen them fing. <Pause> Oh wait - there they go.

03-25-2012, 10:35 AM	#4689
issybird o saeclum infacetum Posts: 20,351 Karma: 223034286 Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: New England Device: H2O, Aura One, PW5	Cannibal Husband: I don’t like your mother. Cannibal Wife: Try the potatoes.

03-26-2012, 01:51 PM	#4691
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,193 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

03-27-2012, 05:10 PM	#4693
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	^ Eeeewwwwww

03-27-2012, 10:45 PM	#4694
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,193 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Today's children would be less spoiled if we could spank grandparents!

03-28-2012, 07:32 AM	#4695
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife, and was barraged for 2 hours. Finally, his wife stopped nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by, & he didn't see his wife, Tuesday & Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.