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Old 03-16-2012, 05:36 PM   #4651
issybird
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Old 03-16-2012, 09:15 PM   #4652
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000."

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"
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Old 03-17-2012, 02:13 AM   #4653
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There are two major products to come out of Berkley: LSD and UNIX. I don't believe this to be a coincidence.
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Old 03-17-2012, 01:25 PM   #4654
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Old 03-17-2012, 02:49 PM   #4655
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
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Old 03-18-2012, 02:48 PM   #4656
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A woman walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "I'd like some cyanide, I'm going to kill my husband."

The pharmacist responds, "Look, you can't have cyanide and you can't kill your husband. You'd go to jail, I'd go to jail, what are you thinking?"

So the woman reaches into her purse and hands him a piece of paper, a picture of her husband and his wife in bed together.

"Oh, you didn't say you had a prescription."
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Old 03-18-2012, 02:53 PM   #4657
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There is a tax on sex ... it's called "children".
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Old 03-18-2012, 10:13 PM   #4658
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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I
will soon turn Sixty -Two).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said...
'Then, why do you even give a shit?'



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Old 03-19-2012, 03:33 AM   #4659
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A Senior Church Moment

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds...

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause.....

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......'Screw him!'


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Old 03-19-2012, 07:03 AM   #4660
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A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

Last edited by orlok; 03-19-2012 at 02:18 PM.
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Old 03-19-2012, 05:06 PM   #4661
Lycoming
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I forgot.....if you are still of a nervous disposition look away now.....



The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he met U.S. General Patraeus. They shook hands. As they walked the Iranian said:
"You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
The General said,
"Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered,
"My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
"That's because it takes place in the future".

Last edited by Lycoming; 03-19-2012 at 05:10 PM.
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Old 03-19-2012, 05:09 PM   #4662
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A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

*********************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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Old 03-19-2012, 05:26 PM   #4663
Fbone
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There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
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Old 03-19-2012, 07:29 PM   #4664
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An old woman was sitting on the patio, sipping a glass of wine while her husband sat beside her. She said, "I love you so much. I don't think I could ever live without you."

Her husband said, "Is that you talking, or the wine?"

She replied, "It's me, talking TO the wine."
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Old 03-19-2012, 11:49 PM   #4665
WT Sharpe
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And bake me a pie, woman.
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