Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 310

silvan4now · 03-13-2012, 09:56 AM

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.

Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy."

Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."

Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."

Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."

Fbone · 03-13-2012, 10:45 PM

The world would run a lot smoother if more men knew how to dance.

Stitchawl · 03-14-2012, 01:15 AM

Stitchawl

PeterT · 03-14-2012, 08:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Stitchawl

I'm informed they drive on the LEFT in Ireland, so this can't be St Patrick :P

Stitchawl · 03-14-2012, 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PeterT

I'm informed they drive on the LEFT in Ireland, so this can't be St Patrick :P

He imported a German BMW...

Stitchawl

orlok · 03-14-2012, 09:56 AM

Punctuation Parable:

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?

Gloria

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

pilotbob · 03-14-2012, 10:14 AM

WRONG THREAD... DOH!

Pookeysgirl · 03-14-2012, 10:35 AM

I shook my family tree today and a bunch of nuts fell out.

orlok · 03-14-2012, 10:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

Just finished "reading" (audiobook) _Just After Sunset_ a collection of short stories by Steven King. Most of them were very good. One was quite disgusting. There is suspense, fantasy, etc... not all are stories I would have expected of King. But, I recommend it with 3.5 of 5 stars.

BOb

Did you mean to post this here BOb? Or am I missing the joke?

Bilbo1967 · 03-14-2012, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

Just finished "reading" (audiobook) _Just After Sunset_ a collection of short stories by Steven King. Most of them were very good. One was quite disgusting. There is suspense, fantasy, etc... not all are stories I would have expected of King. But, I recommend it with 3.5 of 5 stars.

BOb

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

Did you mean to post this here BOb? Or am I missing the joke?

I bet that there is an hilarious joke posted in the 'What are you reading right now' thread!

Fbone · 03-14-2012, 07:29 PM

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Stitchawl · 03-14-2012, 07:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

Punctuation Parable:

What's for dinner. Mother?

Stitchawl

marino.DV · 03-15-2012, 07:29 AM

IF MEN WOULD RULE THE WORLD

[Cat.: Lists ] [Clasif.:b] [ Calif.: 3.6]

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

9. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words "Ally McNaked."

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in: Cop:"You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sport car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're#1!".

20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out

21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

25. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

26. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Fbone · 03-15-2012, 04:32 PM

There are some days I practice positive thinking. And other days I'm not positive, I am thinking.

orlok · 03-16-2012, 12:45 PM

03-14-2012, 10:14 AM	#4642
pilotbob Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,832 Karma: 11844413 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Tampa, FL USA Device: Kindle Touch	WRONG THREAD... DOH! Last edited by pilotbob; 03-14-2012 at 12:34 PM.

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03-13-2012, 09:56 AM	#4636
silvan4now Groupie Posts: 173 Karma: 224260 Join Date: Oct 2011 Device: none	Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans. Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy." Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy." Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy." Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."

03-13-2012, 10:45 PM	#4637
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The world would run a lot smoother if more men knew how to dance.

03-14-2012, 01:15 AM	#4638
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Stitchawl

03-14-2012, 09:56 AM	#4641
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Punctuation Parable: Dear John, I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours? Gloria Dear John, I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria

03-14-2012, 10:35 AM	#4643
Pookeysgirl Wizard Posts: 1,705 Karma: 12696746 Join Date: May 2010 Device: K3, Kobo Mini	I shook my family tree today and a bunch of nuts fell out.

03-14-2012, 07:29 PM	#4646
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

03-15-2012, 07:29 AM	#4648
marino.DV Groupie Posts: 163 Karma: 651780 Join Date: Sep 2011 Device: none	IF MEN WOULD RULE THE WORLD [Cat.: Lists ] [Clasif.:b] [ Calif.: 3.6] 1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. 2. Birth control would come in ale or lager. 3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too. 5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. 6. Garbage would take itself out. 7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. 8. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. 9. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps." 10. Tanks would be far easier to rent. 11. Two words "Ally McNaked." 12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop:"You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off". 13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. 14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. 15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. 16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. 17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. 18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sport car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're#1!". 20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out 21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you." 22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. 23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. 25. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 26. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

03-15-2012, 04:32 PM	#4649
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	There are some days I practice positive thinking. And other days I'm not positive, I am thinking.

03-16-2012, 12:45 PM	#4650
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"