Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 31

pdurrant · 10-13-2009, 10:20 AM

I've recently come across a simple way to deal with swine flu.

It's very easy — if you think you have swine flu, you just stay in a smoky room overnight, and in the morning you're cured.

zelda_pinwheel · 10-13-2009, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

I've recently come across a simple way to deal with swine flu.

It's very easy — if you think you have swine flu, you just stay in a smoky room overnight, and in the morning you're cured.

where is that groaning smiley when you need it ?

WT Sharpe · 10-13-2009, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

I've recently come across a simple way to deal with swine flu.

It's very easy — if you think you have swine flu, you just stay in a smoky room overnight, and in the morning you're cured.

And as Kelly Bundy said, "Now everybody thinks I'm a genie!"

pilotbob · 10-13-2009, 02:25 PM

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo . Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down.......

'You got Male!

ShortNCuddlyAm · 10-13-2009, 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

I've recently come across a simple way to deal with swine flu.

It's very easy — if you think you have swine flu, you just stay in a smoky room overnight, and in the morning you're cured.

:groan:

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
[COLOR=#820040]The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo . Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!

roger the rabbit · 10-13-2009, 03:28 PM

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish priest, Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month. The priest tells the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon another man enters the confessional. ‘Father it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex twice a week with Fannie Green for the last two months.’ This time the priest asks, ‘Who is this Fannie Green?’
A new woman in the neighbourhood,’ the sinner replies. ‘Very well,’ says the priest, ‘go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread, Sharon Stone style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering quietly asks, is that Fannie Green?’ The altar boy replies , ‘No Father I think it’s just the reflection of her shoes’.

ShortNCuddlyAm · 10-13-2009, 03:49 PM

(For any Americans who aren't aware - fanny in England and other bits of Europe refers to a different part of the anatomy than it does in America...

)

Lycoming · 10-13-2009, 04:53 PM

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting,
slinky, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning, and as they walk through
the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended).

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2
feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the slinky, wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and
suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The
husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him,
and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let
one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and
Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it
at him," he says .... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now
he's doing flips. The husband then grabs his wife by the hair,
rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and
slams the cage door shut and yells: "Now, tell HIM you have a
headache."

pilotbob · 10-13-2009, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm

(For any Americans who aren't aware - fanny in England and other bits of Europe refers to a different part of the anatomy than it does in America...

)

Yes, some of my in-laws friends from England say they laugh their asses off every time someone mentions a fannie pack.

BOb

pdurrant · 10-13-2009, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

Yes, some of my in-laws friends from England say they laugh their arses off every time someone mentions a fannie pack.

BOb

Fixed it for you.

columbus · 10-14-2009, 04:30 AM

One day the Spanish maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?

Maria, well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you. Wife, Who said you iron better than me? Maria, Your husband said so. Wife, Oh.

Maria, The second reason is that I am a better COOK than you.
Wife, Nonsense, who said you were a better COOK than me? Maria, Your husband did. Wife, Oh-

Maria, My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
Wife, (really furious now), Did my husband say that as well Maria, No Señora...the gardener did.

Wife, So how much do you want?

doreenjoy · 10-19-2009, 07:11 AM

There are two brothers, Sam and David. Sam asks David to take care of his cat while he is away on vacation. Sam calls David a few days after his vacation starts.

"Hey, how are things? Is the house still standing? How's my cat doing?"

David swallowed hard. "Well, your house is still standing. Nice place you have here. Unfortunately, your cat died."

"What?" Sam said. "You just can't tell someone that their cat is dead. You have to break it to them gently. The first time I call you should say that the cat is on the roof trying to catch a bird. The second call you should say that the cat lost its footing trying to catch the bird as it flew away, the cat fell off the roof, and now it's at the vet. The third call you should tell me that the vet operated but he says that it's not looking good for the cat. On the fourth call you let me know that my cat died peacefully in its sleep."

David agreed.

"So," Sam continues. "Can I talk to Grandma?"

"Not right now. Grandma's on the roof trying to catch a bird."

ShortNCuddlyAm · 10-19-2009, 08:58 AM

Arnie walks into his office on the monday after easter weekend all glum and depressed.

"What's up Mr Schwarzenegger? You look sad" asks his secretary.

"Oh, its nothing, just no-one bought me a single easter egg this year, so I had a rubbish easter weekend." Arnie replies.

"Aw I bet that ruined easter for you didn't it? I bet you hate easter now don't you?" comments the secretary. To which arnie replies chirpily

"Don't worry, I still love easter baby!"

Format C: · 10-20-2009, 03:42 AM

I don't get it...
Is there a pun I don't understand somewhere?

montsnmags · 10-20-2009, 04:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Format C:

I don't get it...
Is there a pun I don't understand somewhere?

Terminator 2 - "Hasta la vista, baby"

Cheers,
Marc

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10-13-2009, 10:20 AM	#451
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 73,989 Karma: 315160596 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Oasis	I've recently come across a simple way to deal with swine flu. It's very easy — if you think you have swine flu, you just stay in a smoky room overnight, and in the morning you're cured.

10-13-2009, 02:25 PM	#454
pilotbob Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,832 Karma: 11844413 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Tampa, FL USA Device: Kindle Touch	Daddy, how was I born? A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo . Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll down....... 'You got Male!

10-13-2009, 03:28 PM	#456
roger the rabbit Addict Posts: 316 Karma: 10215 Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Wherever I lay my hat! Device: Sony PRS-T3, 650 Black, 505, Kobo Glo HD Aura ONE	A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish priest, Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month. The priest tells the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’ Soon another man enters the confessional. ‘Father it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex twice a week with Fannie Green for the last two months.’ This time the priest asks, ‘Who is this Fannie Green?’ A new woman in the neighbourhood,’ the sinner replies. ‘Very well,’ says the priest, ‘go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread, Sharon Stone style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering quietly asks, is that Fannie Green?’ The altar boy replies , ‘No Father I think it’s just the reflection of her shoes’.

10-13-2009, 03:49 PM	#457
ShortNCuddlyAm WWHALD Posts: 7,879 Karma: 337114 Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Mitcham, Surrey, UK Device: iPad. Selling my silver 505 here	(For any Americans who aren't aware - fanny in England and other bits of Europe refers to a different part of the anatomy than it does in America... )

10-13-2009, 04:53 PM	#458
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, slinky, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning, and as they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended). He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the slinky, wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says .... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. The husband then grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut and yells: "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

10-14-2009, 04:30 AM	#461
columbus Wizard Posts: 999 Karma: 5487540 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: In my own imagination. Device: Sony Prs 650, 505	One day the Spanish maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase? Maria, well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you. Wife, Who said you iron better than me? Maria, Your husband said so. Wife, Oh. Maria, The second reason is that I am a better COOK than you. Wife, Nonsense, who said you were a better COOK than me? Maria, Your husband did. Wife, Oh- Maria, My third reason is that I am a better lover than you. Wife, (really furious now), Did my husband say that as well Maria, No Señora...the gardener did. Wife, So how much do you want?

10-19-2009, 07:11 AM	#462
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	There are two brothers, Sam and David. Sam asks David to take care of his cat while he is away on vacation. Sam calls David a few days after his vacation starts. "Hey, how are things? Is the house still standing? How's my cat doing?" David swallowed hard. "Well, your house is still standing. Nice place you have here. Unfortunately, your cat died." "What?" Sam said. "You just can't tell someone that their cat is dead. You have to break it to them gently. The first time I call you should say that the cat is on the roof trying to catch a bird. The second call you should say that the cat lost its footing trying to catch the bird as it flew away, the cat fell off the roof, and now it's at the vet. The third call you should tell me that the vet operated but he says that it's not looking good for the cat. On the fourth call you let me know that my cat died peacefully in its sleep." David agreed. "So," Sam continues. "Can I talk to Grandma?" "Not right now. Grandma's on the roof trying to catch a bird."

10-19-2009, 08:58 AM	#463
ShortNCuddlyAm WWHALD Posts: 7,879 Karma: 337114 Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Mitcham, Surrey, UK Device: iPad. Selling my silver 505 here	Arnie walks into his office on the monday after easter weekend all glum and depressed. "What's up Mr Schwarzenegger? You look sad" asks his secretary. "Oh, its nothing, just no-one bought me a single easter egg this year, so I had a rubbish easter weekend." Arnie replies. "Aw I bet that ruined easter for you didn't it? I bet you hate easter now don't you?" comments the secretary. To which arnie replies chirpily "Don't worry, I still love easter baby!"

10-20-2009, 03:42 AM	#464
Format C: Guru Posts: 753 Karma: 1496807 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: The Third World Device: iLiad + PRS-505 + Kindle 3	I don't get it... Is there a pun I don't understand somewhere?