Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 309

Javed · 03-10-2012, 03:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine. Could only use it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me
with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot."

Stitchawl

good one!

Fbone · 03-10-2012, 02:18 PM

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing... and then marry him.

Bilbo1967 · 03-10-2012, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing... and then marry him.

I don't get it

For some reason, my wife found it hilarious though.

Ajax · 03-10-2012, 07:50 PM

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.

'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son.

The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.

'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.'

The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.

'Tell me,' said the doctor, 'what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?'

'Why,' replied the old lady, 'I'd give half of it to you, of course.'

The doctor fell down dead with shock.

Ajax · 03-10-2012, 08:14 PM

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

Stitchawl · 03-11-2012, 06:46 AM

Stitchawl

Fbone · 03-11-2012, 04:08 PM

The Vending Machine Theory: "Stuff tastes better when it falls."

Stitchawl · 03-11-2012, 08:57 PM

Depressed?

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Stitchawl

issybird · 03-11-2012, 09:34 PM

Ajax · 03-11-2012, 10:19 PM

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river.

John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes.

His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?

He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

orlok · 03-12-2012, 10:17 AM

Q. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

mirandu85 · 03-12-2012, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

Q. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

you sir deserve a medal!

Fbone · 03-12-2012, 03:45 PM

The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

Daithi · 03-12-2012, 07:02 PM

posts with a haiku
they're kind of overrated
but I'm posting one

orlok · 03-12-2012, 07:26 PM

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03-10-2012, 02:18 PM	#4622
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing... and then marry him.

03-10-2012, 07:50 PM	#4624
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her. 'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son. The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him. 'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.' The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools. 'Tell me,' said the doctor, 'what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?' 'Why,' replied the old lady, 'I'd give half of it to you, of course.' The doctor fell down dead with shock.

03-10-2012, 08:14 PM	#4625
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

03-11-2012, 06:46 AM	#4626
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Stitchawl

03-11-2012, 04:08 PM	#4627
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The Vending Machine Theory: "Stuff tastes better when it falls."

03-11-2012, 08:57 PM	#4628
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Depressed? Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land." Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...... Stitchawl

03-11-2012, 09:34 PM	#4629
issybird o saeclum infacetum Posts: 21,327 Karma: 234636059 Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: New England Device: Mini, H2O, Glo HD, Aura One, PW4, PW5

03-11-2012, 10:19 PM	#4630
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

03-12-2012, 10:17 AM	#4631
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Q. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

03-12-2012, 03:45 PM	#4633
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

03-12-2012, 07:02 PM	#4634
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	posts with a haiku they're kind of overrated but I'm posting one

03-12-2012, 07:26 PM	#4635
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"