Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 306

mirandu85 · 02-29-2012, 08:10 AM

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

Fbone · 02-29-2012, 08:11 PM

The doctor X-rayed my head and found nothing.

silvan4now · 03-01-2012, 08:45 AM

How can you tell that there's a drummer at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster.

How can you tell that there's a vocalist at your front door?
She forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in.

How can you tell that there's an accordionist at your front door?
He doesn't stop knocking even after you answer.

How do you know when a trombone player is at your front door?
The doorbell drags.

How do you know when there's a banjo player at your door?
His hat says "Domino's".

Nexutix · 03-01-2012, 09:22 AM

This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

CANADIANS:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

CANADIANS:
We are a lighthouse. Your call.

pdurrant · 03-01-2012, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nexutix

(The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

This is is as untrue as the rest. A good joke though.

WT Sharpe · 03-01-2012, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

This is is as untrue as the rest. A good joke though.

You know what kills me? Those emails containing fantastic stories that include the line "Verified true by Snopes", when you know damn good and well they are anything but. I used to get a lot of them from family members, but after I kept replying by sending them to the actual Snopes link to show they were not verified by Snopes, eventually people stopped sending me those stories.

They also stopped sending me bogus quotes by founding fathers and celebrities, after about the hundredth time I sent them back with a correction. I think I finally embarrassed them into silence as far as I was concerned, but I see they're still posting the same mess to each other on Facebook.

But is is a funny story.

orlok · 03-01-2012, 02:35 PM

A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"

The man said, "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"

The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

wodin · 03-01-2012, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

Will you survive?

Ajax · 03-01-2012, 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wodin

Will you survive?

I could never live without you by my side

badgoodDeb · 03-01-2012, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ajax

I could never live without you by my side

Well. I dunno about you two, but my givadam's busted! (I was listening to a *different* singer yesterday....)

Fbone · 03-01-2012, 10:29 PM

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late!

marino.DV · 03-02-2012, 07:27 AM

If any of these describe you, you're a redneck!

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

You've ever used a weed eater indoors.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You go to your family reunion to meet women.

Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You've been too drunk to fish.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".

Your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

Daithi · 03-02-2012, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

Have you seen that film about constipation?

No you wouldn't have, because it hasn't come out yet.

Spoiler:

Have you seen that film about constipation?

Yes? You lucky $hit.

Fbone · 03-02-2012, 08:22 PM

The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.

Bookpossum · 03-02-2012, 11:38 PM

If I didn't have a dog or cat......

I could walk barefoot around the yard in safety.

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be hair-free.

When the doorbell rings, my home wouldn't sound like a kennel.

When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through all the fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

I could sit on the couch and my bed any way I wanted, without having to take into consideration how much space several fur bodies need to get comfortable.

I would have enough money, and no guilt, to go on a real vacation.

I would not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grandkids through college.

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be:
"out," "sit," "down", "come," "no," "stay," and "leave it ALONE.

My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates and makeshift barriers.

My house would not look like a day care centre, with toys everywhere.
My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.

I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L, W-A-L-K, T-R-E-A-T, O-U-T, G-O, R-I-D-E, S-U-P-P-E-R, and C-O-O-K-I-E.

I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.

I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much.
I'd look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading them as 'mud' season.

I would not have to answer the question: 'Why do you have so many animals?' from people who will never know the joy of being loved unconditionally by the closest thing to an angel they will ever encounter.

How EMPTY my life would be!!!

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02-29-2012, 08:10 AM	#4576
mirandu85 Addict Posts: 220 Karma: 175028 Join Date: Aug 2011 Device: noen	A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber. She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?" He replied, "It's the plumber." He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?" He said, "It's the plumber!" He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?" He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!" Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway. The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!" The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

02-29-2012, 08:11 PM	#4577
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The doctor X-rayed my head and found nothing.

03-01-2012, 08:45 AM	#4578
silvan4now Groupie Posts: 173 Karma: 224260 Join Date: Oct 2011 Device: none	How can you tell that there's a drummer at your front door? The knocking gets faster and faster. How can you tell that there's a vocalist at your front door? She forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in. How can you tell that there's an accordionist at your front door? He doesn't stop knocking even after you answer. How do you know when a trombone player is at your front door? The doorbell drags. How do you know when there's a banjo player at your door? His hat says "Domino's".

03-01-2012, 09:22 AM	#4579
Nexutix Reading and reading Posts: 582 Karma: 8250144 Join Date: Oct 2010 Device: Infibeam Pi, iPod Touch 4G, iPad Air 2, iPad mini 2, Oneplus One	This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.) CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. AMERICANS: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees north... I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship! CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

03-01-2012, 02:35 PM	#4582
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!" The man said, "What little girl?!" The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!" The man now in tears, said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!" The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

03-01-2012, 10:29 PM	#4586
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late!

03-02-2012, 07:27 AM	#4587
marino.DV Groupie Posts: 163 Karma: 651780 Join Date: Sep 2011 Device: none	If any of these describe you, you're a redneck! You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. Fewer than half of your cars run. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass. The primary color of your car is "bondo". You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. Your family tree doesn't fork. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed. You've ever used lard in bed. Your home has more miles on it than your car. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?" You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. You've ever used a weed eater indoors. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run). You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels. You've ever financed a tattoo. You go to your family reunion to meet women. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You've been too drunk to fish. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people". Your home has wheels and your car doesn't. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind". You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it." Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator. You mow your lawn and find a car. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

03-02-2012, 08:22 PM	#4589
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.

03-02-2012, 11:38 PM	#4590
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	If I didn't have a dog or cat...... I could walk barefoot around the yard in safety. My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated. All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be hair-free. When the doorbell rings, my home wouldn't sound like a kennel. When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through all the fuzzy bodies who beat me there. I could sit on the couch and my bed any way I wanted, without having to take into consideration how much space several fur bodies need to get comfortable. I would have enough money, and no guilt, to go on a real vacation. I would not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grandkids through college. The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: "out," "sit," "down", "come," "no," "stay," and "leave it ALONE. My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates and makeshift barriers. My house would not look like a day care centre, with toys everywhere. My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash. I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L, W-A-L-K, T-R-E-A-T, O-U-T, G-O, R-I-D-E, S-U-P-P-E-R, and C-O-O-K-I-E. I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside. I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much. I'd look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading them as 'mud' season. I would not have to answer the question: 'Why do you have so many animals?' from people who will never know the joy of being loved unconditionally by the closest thing to an angel they will ever encounter. How EMPTY my life would be!!!