Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 304

Bookpossum · 02-21-2012, 09:49 PM

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

CyGuy · 02-22-2012, 08:48 AM

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied . . .

"No, I manage this hockey rink."

MoodRing · 02-22-2012, 08:55 AM

I got to love a good joke! I used to do stand up with my elder brother when I was in my teens down our local youth center.

One day a man is watering his garden and notices two hearst drive by followed by a man, a dog and a long single file of men that could easily be a mile long. Found some cracking jokes from a few websites! I love a good army joke, just because my father was in the navy! Rivallry.

Curious he decides to talk to the man leading the way.
"Excuse me" he says "who is the person in the first hearst?""My wife" he answered.

"Sorry to hear that. How did she die?" he asked.
"My dog bit her".
"and who's in the second hearst?"
"My Mother-in-law"
"How did she die?"
"My dog bit her".
Astonished at this the man asked "May I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line"

Daithi · 02-22-2012, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoodRing

I love a good army joke, just because my father was in the navy!

A guy in the Army and a guy in the Navy are in a restroom at the urinals. When the guy in the Army finishes he heads straight for the exit. The guy in the Navy yells out, "Hey, soldier, in the Navy we were taught to wash our hands after using the latrine."

The guy in the Army fires back, "In the Army they teach you not to pee on your hands."

Bookpossum · 02-22-2012, 07:46 PM

Pythagoras's theorem - 24 words.

The Lord's Prayer - 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.

The 10 Commandments - 179 words.

The Gettysburg address - 286 words.

The US Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.

The US Constitution with all 27 Amendments - 7,818 words.

AND THEN

EU regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words..........

Fbone · 02-22-2012, 10:37 PM

Sopranos or Godfather?

Roses are red, bullets are lead, you better love me, or I'll shoot you in the head.

Daithi · 02-22-2012, 11:45 PM

A poem by Bucky Katt--

A little yellow bird,
with a great long bill,
landed on my window sill.

I coaxed him in,
with crumbs and bread,
then I smashed his stink'n head.

Daithi · 02-23-2012, 12:03 AM

I was joking around with my wife last night, and she took something I said a little to personally, and she says "That's it! I'm cutting you off tonight."

I laughed and said, "Huh, you can't cut me off."

"And why is that?" she asked.

"Because you don't know where I'm getting it."

And that's when the real fight started...

orlok · 02-23-2012, 05:05 PM

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

'Actually, no,' he replies.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'

‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them.

'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'

WT Sharpe · 02-23-2012, 05:18 PM

Stitchawl · 02-23-2012, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

.......
'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'

I'd give you more Karma but the machine won't let me!

Stitchawl

Fbone · 02-23-2012, 08:17 PM

Sadly, all men are created equal.

marino.DV · 02-24-2012, 04:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Sadly, all men are created equal.

sadly even more are created less and less equal these days

Fbone · 02-24-2012, 06:16 PM

Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.

orlok · 02-25-2012, 04:41 PM

A driver is pulled over by a police man.
Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Man: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She's in the boot if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle
please! The man steps out of his vehicle.
Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please.
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
Officer2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying b*stard told you I was speeding, too.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Add from the Mobile Read Library?	danwdoo	Calibre	8	12-03-2014 06:03 PM
Good Day Eh!! :-)	Gedvondur	Introduce Yourself	12	07-22-2010 12:16 AM
Classic Is there a way to lighten the background?	rlsamson	Barnes & Noble NOOK	3	06-30-2010 04:56 PM
Read-in-Microsoft-Reader 1.1.3 add-in released	Alexander Turcic	Reading and Management	2	02-20-2006 03:47 AM

02-21-2012, 09:49 PM	#4546
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

02-22-2012, 08:48 AM	#4547
CyGuy Avid Reader Posts: 769 Karma: 7777778 Join Date: Aug 2009 Device: PocketBook 902, Galaxy Tab 2 7.0, ASUS TF700, and Cybook Gen III	A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied . . . "No, I manage this hockey rink."

02-22-2012, 08:55 AM	#4548
MoodRing MoodRing Posts: 38 Karma: 10 Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Cork, Ireland Device: none	I got to love a good joke! I used to do stand up with my elder brother when I was in my teens down our local youth center. One day a man is watering his garden and notices two hearst drive by followed by a man, a dog and a long single file of men that could easily be a mile long. Found some cracking jokes from a few websites! I love a good army joke, just because my father was in the navy! Rivallry. Curious he decides to talk to the man leading the way. "Excuse me" he says "who is the person in the first hearst?""My wife" he answered. "Sorry to hear that. How did she die?" he asked. "My dog bit her". "and who's in the second hearst?" "My Mother-in-law" "How did she die?" "My dog bit her". Astonished at this the man asked "May I borrow your dog?" "Get in line"

02-22-2012, 07:46 PM	#4550
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	Pythagoras's theorem - 24 words. The Lord's Prayer - 66 words. Archimedes' Principle - 67 words. The 10 Commandments - 179 words. The Gettysburg address - 286 words. The US Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words. The US Constitution with all 27 Amendments - 7,818 words. AND THEN EU regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words..........

02-22-2012, 10:37 PM	#4551
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Sopranos or Godfather? Roses are red, bullets are lead, you better love me, or I'll shoot you in the head.

02-22-2012, 11:45 PM	#4552
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	A poem by Bucky Katt-- A little yellow bird, with a great long bill, landed on my window sill. I coaxed him in, with crumbs and bread, then I smashed his stink'n head.

02-23-2012, 12:03 AM	#4553
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	I was joking around with my wife last night, and she took something I said a little to personally, and she says "That's it! I'm cutting you off tonight." I laughed and said, "Huh, you can't cut me off." "And why is that?" she asked. "Because you don't know where I'm getting it." And that's when the real fight started...

02-23-2012, 05:05 PM	#4554
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. 'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replies. 'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. 'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?' ‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'

02-23-2012, 05:18 PM	#4555
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.

02-23-2012, 08:17 PM	#4557
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Sadly, all men are created equal.

02-24-2012, 06:16 PM	#4559
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.

02-25-2012, 04:41 PM	#4560
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	A driver is pulled over by a police man. Man: Is there a problem Officer? Officer: Sir, you were speeding. Man: Oh I see. Officer: Can I see your licence please? Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Man: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Man: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Man: Yes, and I killed the owner. Officer: You what? Man: She's in the boot if you want to see. The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle. Man: Is there a problem sir? Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Man: Murdered the owner? Officer2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please. The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. Officer2: Is this your car sir? Man: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence. The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car and murdered the owner. Man: Bet you the lying b*stard told you I was speeding, too.