Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 301

WT Sharpe · 02-09-2012, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilbo1967

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.

OUCH! That is one painful pun!

...And, yes, I'll probably be re-posting it somewhere!

MJK2111 · 02-09-2012, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilbo1967

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.

We will have to keep an eye out for more puns that are this visionary!

WT Sharpe · 02-09-2012, 10:26 AM

Double ouch!

Lycoming · 02-09-2012, 11:33 AM

If you are easily offended look away now.

"I farted in a lift the other day, and that was wrong on so many levels"

OK you can come back to life.

Fbone · 02-09-2012, 04:09 PM

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Bookpossum · 02-09-2012, 06:29 PM

Three people - two men and a woman - went through training to be assassins for a n unnamed country's secret service.

Came the time for testing them, they all passed with flying colours up to the final test. The first man was brought in, given a gun and told "Your wife is behind that door. Go in there and kill her."

"I can't do that" said the man. So he failed and was sent away.

The second man came in, and was told the same thing. He took the gun and went into the room, but then came out again, handed back the gun and said "I just can't do it." So he failed and was sent away.

Then it was the woman's turn. She was given the gun, told her husband was on the other side of the door and she should go in and kill him. She took the gun, went in and there was the sound of six shots going off in rapid succession, followed by a lot of crashing around.

Finally she came out and said "You might have told me they were blanks in the gun. I had to beat him to death with the table leg."

wodin · 02-09-2012, 08:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Oh I don't know, Peanut's very good at watching food. She's a watchdog!

pdurrant · 02-10-2012, 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

If you are easily offended look away now.

"I farted in a lift the other day, and that was wrong on so many levels"

OK you can come back to life.

This is also adapted from a Tim Vine joke. The original is:

"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

Fbone · 02-10-2012, 09:10 PM

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

yvanleterrible · 02-11-2012, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

He lives alone?

Fbone · 02-11-2012, 06:10 PM

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

orlok · 02-12-2012, 08:06 AM

Police were today called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Bookpossum · 02-13-2012, 04:37 AM

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Bilbo1967 · 02-13-2012, 04:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilbo1967

Deleted.

— Tim Vine

Re: Pdurrant's adding of the derivation.

Many thanks Paul. Can we assume that you will be adding a derivation for every joke posted in this thread from now on?

Hamlet53 · 02-13-2012, 09:17 AM

A cute little puppy at the veterinarian's office.

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02-09-2012, 10:26 AM	#4503
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Double ouch!

02-09-2012, 11:33 AM	#4504
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	If you are easily offended look away now. "I farted in a lift the other day, and that was wrong on so many levels" OK you can come back to life.

02-09-2012, 04:09 PM	#4505
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Never trust a dog to watch your food.

02-09-2012, 06:29 PM	#4506
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	Three people - two men and a woman - went through training to be assassins for a n unnamed country's secret service. Came the time for testing them, they all passed with flying colours up to the final test. The first man was brought in, given a gun and told "Your wife is behind that door. Go in there and kill her." "I can't do that" said the man. So he failed and was sent away. The second man came in, and was told the same thing. He took the gun and went into the room, but then came out again, handed back the gun and said "I just can't do it." So he failed and was sent away. Then it was the woman's turn. She was given the gun, told her husband was on the other side of the door and she should go in and kill him. She took the gun, went in and there was the sound of six shots going off in rapid succession, followed by a lot of crashing around. Finally she came out and said "You might have told me they were blanks in the gun. I had to beat him to death with the table leg."

02-10-2012, 09:10 PM	#4509
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

02-11-2012, 06:10 PM	#4511
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

02-12-2012, 08:06 AM	#4512
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Police were today called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

02-13-2012, 04:37 AM	#4513
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

02-13-2012, 09:17 AM	#4515
Hamlet53 Nameless Being	A cute little puppy at the veterinarian's office.