Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 30

wodin · 09-28-2009, 02:50 PM

Some five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked....."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...

"African Elephant"

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.

WT Sharpe · 09-28-2009, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doreenjoy

Q: How can you tell when a musician is really stupid?
A: When the other musicians notice.

My grandson, who's in the 5th grade, began studying viola this week at his school. Searching the web for viola info, I came across the following viola joke site at http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/viola.html.

A few favorites:

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?

- Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

<><><>

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?

- Put it in a viola case.

<><><>

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

- The viola burns longer.

<><><>

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

- The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

<><><>

What's the definition of a minor second?

- Two violists playing in unison.

<><><>

How was the canon invented?

- Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

<><><>

Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?

- Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.

<><><>

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

- Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

<><><>

If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?

- The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.

<><><>

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?

- Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

<><><>

Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?

The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

<><><>

What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?

- Neither has played together since 1970.

<><><>

How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?

- Divide the metronome marking by 2.

<><><>

A viola player went to a piano recital. After the performance he went up to the pianist and said, "You know, I particularly liked that piece you played last--the one that started with a long trill."

The pianist said, "Huh? I didn't play any pieces that started with trills."

The viola player said, "You know--[he hums the opening bars of Für Elise.]"

<><><>

A musician from the Chicago Symphony one day ran across an old lamp at a garage sale, took it home, washed it up, and out popped at genie.

"Thank you kind sir for releasing me from this old lamp. I regret to say that you have encountered a poor, less powerful genie, and I can only grant you one wish, but wish away." said the genie.

"Oh that's wonderful. I think I would really like to make a difference in the world with my one wish," said the musician. He thought for a moment and then reached for his atlas. "Here's a map of the Middle East. The people who live there have been fighting for years and years. For my one wish, I would like to bring peace to this land."

The genie, a little caught off guard, said "Oh, well, ah... that's a little bit too much for even this old master to handle. Aah, ya see, these people... they're involved in that touchy religious stuff, and aah, the kids, aah, they begin fighting when they're just teenagers. I'm afraid you're going to have to make another wish."

"Well, okay." said the musician. "For my one wish, I would just once like to hear the Chicago Symphony viola section play in tune."

The genie quickly thought for a moment and replied, "Um, let me take a look at those maps again."

<><><>

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of violists. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one violist every hour.

------

(I told one of these jokes to my grandson, and he had a hurt look on his face. I don't think I'll share any of the others.)

DISCLAIMER: I love viola music. And if anyone feels the need to retaliate for my posting of these jokes, well -- I play piano and ukulele.

Jaime_Astorga · 09-28-2009, 07:28 PM

What's the difference between a 7 year old girl and a 17 year old girl?

The 7 year old you put to bed and tell a fairy-tale to, while the 17 year old you first tell a damn good fairy-tale to, and then, with a little luck, you can get her into bed.

pshrynk · 09-29-2009, 09:43 AM

Why do ukelele players walk around while playing?

To get away from the noise.

wodin · 09-30-2009, 01:21 PM

Yesterday I was at SAM'S CLUB in Pearl City . Among several purchases I also bought a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Peanut and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have heart attack he was laughing so hard. SAM'S CLUB won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

junkml · 09-30-2009, 06:19 PM

Oh my lord, that sounds like EXACTLY the kind of thing my (retired) father does at Walmart.

wodin · 10-01-2009, 03:27 PM

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 M.P.H., enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my first wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Lycoming · 10-01-2009, 03:51 PM

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified, Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and got down on the ground.
'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, 'What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

Lycoming · 10-01-2009, 04:13 PM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

WT Sharpe · 10-01-2009, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wodin

... SAM'S CLUB in Pearl City ...

Rip roarin' hilarious!

wodin · 10-03-2009, 02:38 PM

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong. Sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone'

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Kashue · 10-06-2009, 08:45 AM

it is translate from polish...that it can be lack of sense...

Some Polish people traveled to USA and from the very first day rented a car and decided to try American highway. Goes 100 mph, landscape flashing through the window, super!
At one point, he sees a sign on the way:

REDUCTION 80

Therefore exempt up to 80 miles an hour, because I do not want just the first day to have trouble with the police. Goes on, after some time goes on the sign:

REDUCTION 50

Exempts again. Other cars trunk, ahead of him, but he thinks: "OOO, I'm not that stupid! Better to stick to the rules!" After some time he sees a sign:

REDUCTION 30

He thought: "What has affected them?" But slowed down, because I do not want to have problems. Other car trunk, ahead, but he firmly does not exceed 30 miles per hour. After some time he sees a sign:

WELCOME TO REDUCTION!

Lycoming · 10-07-2009, 01:09 PM

If you ever wondered where our new found cafe culture would take us enjoy this. Three Swansea half-wits, full of various forms of alcohol, decide to annoy and threaten two cross dressing blokes. Mistake, the cross dressers were cage fighters on a night out.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/ukne...s-on-yobs.html

pshrynk · 10-07-2009, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

If you ever wondered where our new found cafe culture would take us enjoy this. Three Swansea half-wits, full of various forms of alcohol, decide to annoy and threaten two cross dressing blokes. Mistake, the cross dressers were cage fighters on a night out.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/ukne...s-on-yobs.html

That was priceless!

Lycoming · 10-07-2009, 04:09 PM

President Obama's decided not to meet with the Dalai Lama, thereby placating China.

The State department issued a press release.

"We sincerely hope this will not lead to an Obama Lama Ding Dong."

09-30-2009, 01:21 PM	#440
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	Yesterday I was at SAM'S CLUB in Pearl City . Among several purchases I also bought a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Peanut and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have heart attack he was laughing so hard. SAM'S CLUB won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Last edited by wodin; 09-30-2009 at 01:22 PM. Reason: typo

10-03-2009, 02:38 PM	#446
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	Ear infection They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong. Sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The receptionist replied, 'You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone' The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

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09-28-2009, 02:50 PM	#436
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	Some five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" The teacher took a deep breath, then asked....."What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does... "African Elephant" Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful? Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.

09-28-2009, 07:28 PM	#438
Jaime_Astorga Member Retired Posts: 274 Karma: 4446 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Florida Device: PRS-350-SC: Sony Reader Pocket Edition	What's the difference between a 7 year old girl and a 17 year old girl? The 7 year old you put to bed and tell a fairy-tale to, while the 17 year old you first tell a damn good fairy-tale to, and then, with a little luck, you can get her into bed.

09-29-2009, 09:43 AM	#439
pshrynk Beepbeep n beebeep, yeah! Posts: 11,726 Karma: 8255450 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: La Crosse, Wisconsin, aka America's IceBox Device: iThingie, KmkII, I miss Zelda!	Why do ukelele players walk around while playing? To get away from the noise.

09-30-2009, 06:19 PM	#441
junkml Addict Posts: 277 Karma: 1004969 Join Date: Mar 2007 Device: Sony Reader	Oh my lord, that sounds like EXACTLY the kind of thing my (retired) father does at Walmart.

10-01-2009, 03:27 PM	#442
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 M.P.H., enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my first wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

10-01-2009, 03:51 PM	#443
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex? 'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.' Horrified, Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and got down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.' Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, 'What did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

10-01-2009, 04:13 PM	#444
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

10-06-2009, 08:45 AM	#447
Kashue NightStalker Posts: 36 Karma: 230 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Poland Device: Sony PRS-600	it is translate from polish...that it can be lack of sense... Some Polish people traveled to USA and from the very first day rented a car and decided to try American highway. Goes 100 mph, landscape flashing through the window, super! At one point, he sees a sign on the way: REDUCTION 80 Therefore exempt up to 80 miles an hour, because I do not want just the first day to have trouble with the police. Goes on, after some time goes on the sign: REDUCTION 50 Exempts again. Other cars trunk, ahead of him, but he thinks: "OOO, I'm not that stupid! Better to stick to the rules!" After some time he sees a sign: REDUCTION 30 He thought: "What has affected them?" But slowed down, because I do not want to have problems. Other car trunk, ahead, but he firmly does not exceed 30 miles per hour. After some time he sees a sign: WELCOME TO REDUCTION!

10-07-2009, 01:09 PM	#448
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	If you ever wondered where our new found cafe culture would take us enjoy this. Three Swansea half-wits, full of various forms of alcohol, decide to annoy and threaten two cross dressing blokes. Mistake, the cross dressers were cage fighters on a night out. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/ukne...s-on-yobs.html

10-07-2009, 04:09 PM	#450
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	President Obama's decided not to meet with the Dalai Lama, thereby placating China. The State department issued a press release. "We sincerely hope this will not lead to an Obama Lama Ding Dong."