Silliness Lawyer Jokes (with malice toward none) - Page 3

kacir · 09-25-2008, 07:58 AM

How can you recognize a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

pshrynk · 09-25-2008, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kacir

How can you recognize a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Or in the case of Ricky's dogs, their tails are wagging.

RWood · 09-25-2008, 04:25 PM

When is a lawyer like an apple?

When both are hanging from a tree.

NatCh · 09-25-2008, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nate the great

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?

A: There are skid-marks before the skunk.

NatCh · 09-25-2008, 04:55 PM

A lawyer was driving his big Lexus down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my Lexus, I love my Lexus."

Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled.

"My Lexus! My Lexus!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out,
"Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed,
"My Rolex! My Rolex!"

NatCh · 09-25-2008, 05:00 PM

A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said,
"Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"

His father frowned, and scolded his son,
"I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"

JayCeeEll · 09-26-2008, 01:33 PM

Q: What is the correct height of a lawyer.

A: 6 feet under

DebbiM · 06-20-2009, 12:27 AM

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over which of their professions was the oldest.

The doctor said, "Well, God had to remove a rib from Adam to create Eve. That was surgery, so my profession is oldest."

The engineer said, "That may be, but first God had to create the world from out of chaos. That was an act of engineering, so my profession is oldest."

The lawyer said, "Sure, but who do you think created chaos?"

kacir · 06-21-2009, 07:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DebbiM

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over which of their professions was the oldest.

The doctor said, "Well, God had to remove a rib from Adam to create Eve. That was surgery, so my profession is oldest."

The engineer said, "That may be, but first God had to create the world from out of chaos. That was an act of engineering, so my profession is oldest."

The lawyer said, "Sure, but who do you think created chaos?"

No. The very first profession was Electrician.

The God said:
"Let there be light"
... and electricians had the place already wired up ...

GraceKrispy · 06-21-2009, 07:25 AM

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

*****************************************

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.

She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.

On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

*************************************

You Might Be A Lawyer If....

You are charging someone for reading these jokes.

The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.

You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.

Your other car is a BMW.

When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.

When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

nohmi2 · 06-22-2009, 04:35 AM

A Question Too Far.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial.

Q: Officer did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then, officer: do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

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09-25-2008, 07:58 AM	#31
kacir Wizard Posts: 3,463 Karma: 10684861 Join Date: May 2006 Device: PocketBook 360, before it was Sony Reader, cassiopeia A-20	How can you recognize a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

09-25-2008, 04:25 PM	#33
RWood Technogeezer Posts: 7,233 Karma: 1601464 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Virginia, USA Device: Sony PRS-500	When is a lawyer like an apple? When both are hanging from a tree.

09-25-2008, 04:55 PM	#35
NatCh Gizmologist Posts: 11,615 Karma: 929550 Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Republic of Texas Embassy at Jackson, TN Device: Pocketbook Touch HD3	A lawyer was driving his big Lexus down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my Lexus, I love my Lexus." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My Lexus! My Lexus!" he sobbed. A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!" The lawyer, horrified, screamed, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

09-25-2008, 05:00 PM	#36
NatCh Gizmologist Posts: 11,615 Karma: 929550 Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Republic of Texas Embassy at Jackson, TN Device: Pocketbook Touch HD3	A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!" His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"

09-26-2008, 01:33 PM	#37
JayCeeEll Connoisseur Posts: 87 Karma: 204 Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Exeter, Devon, UK Device: PRS-300	Q: What is the correct height of a lawyer. A: 6 feet under

06-20-2009, 12:27 AM	#38
DebbiM Enthusiast Posts: 39 Karma: 50000 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Maryland Device: Kindle	A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over which of their professions was the oldest. The doctor said, "Well, God had to remove a rib from Adam to create Eve. That was surgery, so my profession is oldest." The engineer said, "That may be, but first God had to create the world from out of chaos. That was an act of engineering, so my profession is oldest." The lawyer said, "Sure, but who do you think created chaos?"

06-21-2009, 07:25 AM	#40
GraceKrispy It's Dr. Penguin now! Posts: 3,909 Karma: 4705733 Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: (USA) Device: iPad mini, Samsung Note 3, Sony PRS-650 (rarely used now)	The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked. *************************************** Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?" *********************************** You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone for reading these jokes. The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long. You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill. Your other car is a BMW. When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer. When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

06-22-2009, 04:35 AM	#41
nohmi2 Pensively observing. Posts: 1,758 Karma: 12675456 Join Date: Jun 2008 Device: Varied.	A Question Too Far. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. Q: Officer did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene. Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender? A: Yes sir, with my life. Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then, officer: do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir, we do. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do. Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir. Q: Now why is it officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

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