Suspense blurb feedback?

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by AnnGirdharry

Hello Gregg Bell,

Coming at this fresh and without wanting to pick over the passages you're already considering, how about being more direct and less 'leading'?
Something like -

Seventeen year old Annie xx lands the summer job of her dreams. She didn't bargain that inside millionaire xx's mansion, she'd discover disturbing signs of child (or baby?) neglect. Or is it worse than that? Mr Nastyxxx (the billionaire) is either in denial or he's a manipulative and accomplished liar (is he like this in the book?). Annie must pitch herself against him and find a way to get to the truth.

Best of luck with it,
Ann Girdharry

Hi Ann. Thanks so much. I like your version. I've (hopefully) incorporated some of your version's suspensefulness into my latest.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by pendragginp

That's at least better, IMO. And doesn't refer to the baby as 'it', which really stood out to me. =/ Were you doing that on purpose?

Not really. It was just confusing keeping Monroe (he) and calling the baby (him) straight in the same sentence or thereabouts.

[Gregg Bell]

A new blurb for my suspense novel Saving Baby.

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s life is going along smoothly. In fact, the biggest challenge she faces is finding a summer job. So she’s stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe.

But something’s wrong.

Monroe’s baby is terribly ill and crying constantly. Inexplicably Monroe won’t let Annie comfort the baby, and there’s talk of it being raised according to ancient Egyptian child-rearing philosophies. Before long, Annie suspects that something bad, something terrible is happening.

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

A new blurb for my suspense novel Saving Baby.

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s life is going along smoothly. In fact, the biggest challenge she faces is finding a summer job. So she’s stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe.

But something’s wrong.

Monroe’s baby is terribly ill and crying constantly. Inexplicably Monroe won’t let Annie comfort the baby, and there’s talk of it being raised according to ancient Egyptian child-rearing philosophies. Before long, Annie suspects that something bad, something terrible is happening.

Much better.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Much better.

Agreed.

Hitch

[Gregg Bell]

One more:

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek has always been intimidated by men in positions of authority. She tries to live up to a promise to her dead mother to overcome the problem, but so far she’s failed miserably. So when she gets a summer job nannying for billionaire Houston Monroe’s infant son it’s shaping up as the ultimate test of her resolve.

But something’s wrong.

Monroe’s baby is terribly ill and crying constantly. Inexplicably Monroe won’t let Annie comfort the baby, and there’s talk of it being raised according to ancient Egyptian child-rearing philosophies. Before long, Annie suspects that something bad, something terrible, is happening.

[meeera]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

A new blurb for my suspense novel Saving Baby.

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s life is going along smoothly. In fact, the biggest challenge she faces is finding a summer job. So she’s stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe.

But something’s wrong.

Monroe’s baby is terribly ill and crying constantly. Inexplicably Monroe won’t let Annie comfort the baby, and there’s talk of it being raised according to ancient Egyptian child-rearing philosophies. Before long, Annie suspects that something bad, something terrible is happening.

Tightening: I'd cut the "In fact,". "Inexplicably" needs a comma after it, but I would actually omit that also, or clarify it - "Monroe instructs her not to comfort the baby", or does he catch her in the act and stop her? (I was held up at that point, wondering did he somehow catch her comforting the baby or give her instructions or what? Is he around while she is giving the care?). I think my preference, however, would be to go the other way - introduce that a certain child-rearing philosophy is involved, and tease Annie being bemused/gravely concerned by it, without explaining what exactly she was concerned about.

[Dr. Drib]

You know, I read one page of "The Test" to see what your writing is like and, in my opinion, you certainly don't have an issue with grammar.

Your 'issue', I think, with this synopsis and all its various incarnations is that you're trying too hard to 'get it right'; in the process, there is the inevitable tightening of the sphincter muscle. This results in grammatical issues such as a comma-splice and the over-the-top summary of your book reliant upon too much hyperbole.

Here's my advice:

1) If you're married, take your wife to a nice dinner and a good movie. Make it a comedy. (She'll thank you later.)

2) Sit down at your computer THE NEXT DAY. Do NOT look at your earlier copy. THROW IT AWAY. START FRESH with what you want to say in your synopsis.

3) If you're a drinking man, when you finish congratulate yourself and have a drink.

4) If you're not a drinking man, get a cup of hot chocolate.

5) Resubmit your revised - and NEW - copy to this thread.

[Catlady]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

One more:

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek has always been intimidated by men in positions of authority. She tries to live up to a promise to her dead mother to overcome the problem, but so far she’s failed miserably. So when she gets a summer job nannying for billionaire Houston Monroe’s infant son it’s shaping up as the ultimate test of her resolve.

But something’s wrong.

Monroe’s baby is terribly ill and crying constantly. Inexplicably Monroe won’t let Annie comfort the baby, and there’s talk of it being raised according to ancient Egyptian child-rearing philosophies. Before long, Annie suspects that something bad, something terrible, is happening.

I don't usually read this forum as I'm not a writer, but this thread caught my eye, as I love to read suspense and thrillers. So I'm sticking my oar in.

There's too much here. I'm thrown now by "ancient Egyptian child-rearing philosophies"--I'd immediately pass on this book because it sounds too out-there and weird. I'm baffled by the addition of information about Annie's being intimidated by authority--what teenager wouldn't be intimidated by a billionaire? (I already feel like I'm going to have to suspend disbelief to accept that a billionaire is hiring a high school kid for the summer.) I also don't like the addition of a promise to a dead mother--in your initial blurbs, Annie seemed to be motivated by her compassion for the child, but this gives her a different, less compelling motive. My impression of the character is less favorable in this current blurb than in the earlier ones.

Some things I would like to know right off the bat: Is Annie a live-in helper? What kind of household is it? Who else is around (baby's mother?)? I'd like to know generally how isolated Annie is. I'm thinking it sounds like one of the classic gothicky setups where the innocent young woman comes to a sinister house as a governess and risks all to save the child. If it's NOT that, I'd like the blurb to point me in another direction (horror? supernatural?) so I'd have some idea what to expect.

[theducks]

The Cat Lady got me thinking


'Billionaire' reads like a TN* blurb

Many of nearby neighbors have in home, daily child care. They are not nearly as wealthy as Mark Z (He lives across town). People who make mid 6 figures can afford service staff.

"Well off', "Shrewd Investment", "Old Money", Rich Guy


* TN is how our family refers to Trashy (romance) Novels

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Catlady

I don't usually read this forum as I'm not a writer, but this thread caught my eye, as I love to read suspense and thrillers. So I'm sticking my oar in.

There's too much here. I'm thrown now by "ancient Egyptian child-rearing philosophies"--I'd immediately pass on this book because it sounds too out-there and weird. I'm baffled by the addition of information about Annie's being intimidated by authority--what teenager wouldn't be intimidated by a billionaire? I also don't like the addition of a promise to a dead mother--in your initial blurbs, Annie seemed to be motivated by her compassion for the child, but this gives her a different, less compelling motive. My impression of the character is less favorable in this current blurb than in the earlier ones.

Agreed. Some people liked the ancient Egyptian thing but I think most won't.

Originally Posted by Catlady

Some things I would like to know right off the bat: Is Annie a live-in helper? What kind of household is it? Who else is around (baby's mother?)? I'd like to know generally how isolated Annie is. I'm thinking it sounds like one of the classic gothicky setups where the innocent young woman comes to a sinister house as a governess and risks all to save the child. If it's NOT that, I'd like the blurb to point me in another direction (horror? supernatural?) so I'd have some idea what to expect.

To answer your questions. The nanny position is a day-job. The household is upscale, high-tech and the billionaire has a shadowy Dr. Hakim as supposedly an advisor as to the baby's upbringing. The mother is not around at all. A woman is paid to pretend to be the mother (but she's supposedly gone to seed and lives in another town). Monroe (the billionaire) raises the baby alone. I don't know how isolated Annie is. She a normal 17-yr-old H.S. junior. Happy. Lots of friends. She feels the job with a person as high profile as Monroe will look good on her applications to colleges.

The story is set in contemporary Phoenix, Arizona. It's not gothic but it is kind of terrible in the billionaire is conducting eugenics experiments on this baby. (But that doesn't come out in the story for quite a while.)

The story is not horror or supernatural. It's just a 17 year-old girl who is excited to get a summer job but then deeply distressed by what she finds (and continues to find as the story progresses).

I was thinking of adding "eccentric billionaire" to the mention in the first paragraph, but then that would diminish Annie's being stoked for getting the job.

I also at one point started it with:

High-schooler Annie Rebarchek...

I'll add the latest version of the blurb at the end of this thread. Thanks. Appreciate the help.

[Gregg Bell]

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s life is going along smoothly. In fact, the biggest challenge she faces is finding a summer job. So she’s stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe.

But something’s wrong.

Monroe’s baby is jaundiced and crying constantly. Its crib has no toys, mobiles or blankets, and whenever Annie tries to comfort the baby, Monroe won’t let her. Before long, Annie suspects that something beyond the ‘self soothing’ child-rearing Monroe claims to be practicing is happening, something terrible.

[Cinisajoy]

Gregg,
Stupid question.
If she is taking care of the baby while Monroe does his thing, how can he prevent her from holding the baby?

[theducks]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Gregg,
Stupid question.
If she is taking care of the baby while Monroe does his thing, how can he prevent her from holding the baby?

We have an App for that.

Video baby monitors that are viewable from your smartphone

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by theducks

We have an App for that.

Video baby monitors that are viewable from your smartphone

Is there an app for feeding and changing a baby?