Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 299

5thWiggle · 02-01-2012, 12:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Many bird species carry the youngling fecies away from the nest so as not to attract predators to the site. The deed is easily done as the fecies are sealed in a rubber like film. While raising my kids I used to wish they'd perform in the same way.

Agreed. Whilst changing my kids diapers, I was the one sealed in a rubber like film.

orlok · 02-01-2012, 01:07 PM

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and
began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

WT Sharpe · 02-01-2012, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Dang typos!

You're right some "things" should be pre-packaged before disposal...

Now that would be a performance!...

I guess I didn't perform too well on the keyboard!

Fbone · 02-01-2012, 08:11 PM

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

badgoodDeb · 02-01-2012, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

Oh.

Don't discourage me like that!

Ajax · 02-01-2012, 09:20 PM

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Ajax · 02-01-2012, 09:25 PM

You've been programming too long when

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

mores · 02-02-2012, 04:10 AM

Why do the french only eat one egg for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf!

Daithi · 02-02-2012, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wodin

Good point! You're right, of course, but then I haven't heard of her flying any space craft either.

I bet she can.

Fbone · 02-02-2012, 05:25 PM

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

orlok · 02-03-2012, 03:58 AM

Time for a genuine Victorian joke, methinks (specially for poohbear):

"Who is the greatest chicken-killer in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul."

orlok · 02-03-2012, 03:59 AM

And another:

"Doesn't it make you dizzy to waltz? Yes, but one must get used to it, you know. It's the way of the whirled. "

Stitchawl · 02-03-2012, 05:16 AM

I wonder why we groan at puns? Aren't they their own reword?

Stitchawl

orlok · 02-03-2012, 05:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

I wonder why we groan at puns? Aren't they their own reword?

Stitchawl

Fbone · 02-03-2012, 01:08 PM

Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.

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02-01-2012, 01:07 PM	#4472
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

02-01-2012, 08:11 PM	#4474
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

02-01-2012, 09:20 PM	#4476
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

02-01-2012, 09:25 PM	#4477
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	You've been programming too long when When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause. When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page. When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets" When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number. When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want. When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one. When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal. When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

02-02-2012, 04:10 AM	#4478
mores Guru Posts: 834 Karma: 102419 Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Vienna, Austria Device: iPhone	Why do the french only eat one egg for breakfast? Because one egg is un oeuf!

02-02-2012, 05:25 PM	#4480
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

02-03-2012, 03:58 AM	#4481
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Time for a genuine Victorian joke, methinks (specially for poohbear): "Who is the greatest chicken-killer in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul."

02-03-2012, 03:59 AM	#4482
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	And another: "Doesn't it make you dizzy to waltz? Yes, but one must get used to it, you know. It's the way of the whirled. "

02-03-2012, 05:16 AM	#4483
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	I wonder why we groan at puns? Aren't they their own reword? Stitchawl

02-03-2012, 01:08 PM	#4485
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.