Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 295

CyGuy · 01-16-2012, 08:24 AM

Politicians are like diapers: They should be changed often and for the same reason.

Fbone · 01-16-2012, 06:11 PM

Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!

Fbone · 01-17-2012, 09:51 PM

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

orlok · 01-18-2012, 03:59 AM

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

Fbone · 01-18-2012, 06:14 PM

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Fbone · 01-19-2012, 05:07 PM

How does a high school boy propose?

"You're going to have a what?"

Stitchawl · 01-19-2012, 08:10 PM

Stitchawl

Lycoming · 01-20-2012, 07:14 AM

Sensitive souls look away now.......

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States ..
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support.

OK, you can look back now.

Lycoming · 01-20-2012, 07:15 AM

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

Pookeysgirl · 01-20-2012, 09:39 AM

Please let me know if this has been posted before and I will delete it

Shave and a Haircut

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,

but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because

his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and

tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the

cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had

swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days

like everyone else does!"

Pookeysgirl · 01-20-2012, 09:44 AM

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%!

> > Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
> > * His last battle.

> > Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
> > * at the bottom of the page.

> > Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
> > * liquid.

> > Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
> > * Marriage.

> > Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
> > * Exams.

> > Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
> > * Lunch & dinner.

> > Q7. What looks like half an apple?
> > *The other half.

> > Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
> > * Wet.

> > Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
> > *No problem, he sleeps at night.

> > Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
> > *You will never find an elephant that has only one hand...

> > Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
> > apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
> > *Very large hands!

> > Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
> > take four men to build it?
> > * No time at all, the wall is already built by eight guys.

> > Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
> > *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Fbone · 01-20-2012, 06:02 PM

How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?

benham · 01-21-2012, 05:24 PM

How come there is no W in one, which you need, but there is a W in Two you don't even need!

Fbone · 01-21-2012, 06:11 PM

I am a deeply superficial person.

Ajax · 01-21-2012, 07:40 PM

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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01-16-2012, 08:24 AM	#4411
CyGuy Avid Reader Posts: 769 Karma: 7777778 Join Date: Aug 2009 Device: PocketBook 902, Galaxy Tab 2 7.0, ASUS TF700, and Cybook Gen III	Politicians are like diapers: They should be changed often and for the same reason.

01-16-2012, 06:11 PM	#4412
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!

01-17-2012, 09:51 PM	#4413
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

01-18-2012, 03:59 AM	#4414
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

01-18-2012, 06:14 PM	#4415
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

01-19-2012, 05:07 PM	#4416
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	How does a high school boy propose? "You're going to have a what?"

01-19-2012, 08:10 PM	#4417
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Stitchawl

01-20-2012, 07:14 AM	#4418
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Sensitive souls look away now....... For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States .. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support. OK, you can look back now.

01-20-2012, 07:15 AM	#4419
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills! I'm still looking for a place to live.

01-20-2012, 09:39 AM	#4420
Pookeysgirl Wizard Posts: 1,705 Karma: 12696746 Join Date: May 2010 Device: K3, Kobo Mini	Please let me know if this has been posted before and I will delete it Shave and a Haircut An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does!"

01-20-2012, 09:44 AM	#4421
Pookeysgirl Wizard Posts: 1,705 Karma: 12696746 Join Date: May 2010 Device: K3, Kobo Mini	STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM I would have given him 100%! > > Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? > > * His last battle. > > Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? > > * at the bottom of the page. > > Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? > > * liquid. > > Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? > > * Marriage. > > Q5. What is the main reason for failure? > > * Exams. > > Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? > > * Lunch & dinner. > > Q7. What looks like half an apple? > > The other half. > > Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? > > Wet. > > Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? > > No problem, he sleeps at night. > > Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? > > You will never find an elephant that has only one hand... > > Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four > > apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? > > Very large hands! > > Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it > > take four men to build it? > > No time at all, the wall is already built by eight guys. > > Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? > > *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

01-20-2012, 06:02 PM	#4422
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?

01-21-2012, 05:24 PM	#4423
benham Guru Posts: 882 Karma: 5565888 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Townsend, WI Device: Palm TX, PRS-505 (BLUE)	How come there is no W in one, which you need, but there is a W in Two you don't even need!

01-21-2012, 06:11 PM	#4424
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I am a deeply superficial person.

01-21-2012, 07:40 PM	#4425
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.