Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[orlok]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."

[Fbone]

Don't be afraid of the dark, be afraid of what it hides.

[Ajax]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

[Fbone]

Don't teach your children the value of a dollar, if they find out they'll ask for two.

[Fbone]

Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.

[Lycoming]

As a single girl I go shopping straight after work. I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

• A half-gallon of 2% milk
• A carton of eggs
• A quart of orange juice
• A head of lettuce
• A 2 lb. can of coffee
• A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the Cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the Derelicts intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct .. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

[Lycoming]

Quote of the Year


"and then God created the orgasm, so that women can moan even when they are happy."

[Fbone]

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

[wannabee]

Victorian railways were running an efficiency test for their country level crossing signal opporators. The inspector sat in his office with a bloke that worked for the Sunraisia Highway Crossing near Mildura.

"Alright" said the inspector, "Here's the situation. Imagine a freight train is approaching the level crossing and a semi-trailer is stuck across the crossing. What do you do?"

The bloke said, "I'd help the driver move the semi-taller."

"You can't", said the inspector, "He's unconscious in the bushes."

"Then I'd move it myself", said the bloke.

"You can't said the inspector, "it's broken down."

"Then I'd radio the train to stop" said the bloke.

"You can't", said the inspector, "the radio is dead."

Then the bloke said "then I'd turn the signals for the train to red"

"You can't do that either", said the inspector, "they're not working."

"Then I'd get out the red flag and signal the driver", said the bloke.

"You can't, it's night", said the inspector.

"Night, huh? Well then I'd go and wake up the wife." said the bloke.

"Why?" said the inspector. "what could she do?"

"Nothing" said the bloke, "but she's never seen a big train crash before."

[Fbone]

Everyone believes in heredity until their children act like fools.

[orlok]

My personal favourites from the The Washington Post winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest:

- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
- Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

[Falcao]

Spoiler:

[Lycoming]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[Miss]

Exchanges between aircraft pilots and maintenence engineers taking place in written form on the "gripe sheet". Pilot records a problem, engineers take a look and record the solution.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to "straighten up, fly right, and be serious".

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
S: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

[Fbone]

Health plans are like hospital gowns...You only think you're covered.