Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 292

Fbone · 01-01-2012, 03:25 PM

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.

yvanleterrible · 01-02-2012, 12:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

If you have sensibility problems look away now....

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child."

"So what do you think about that Doc ?
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..
"Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

OK, you can go on with your life now.......

Was that a quote from Gregory House?

orlok · 01-02-2012, 11:34 AM

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

Fbone · 01-02-2012, 08:56 PM

Anatidaephobia: The fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.

Quake1028 · 01-03-2012, 10:41 AM

Whenever I feel like doing something around the house, I lay down until the feeling passes.

Fbone · 01-03-2012, 01:31 PM

Anatomy is something everyone has, it just looks better on a girl.

Lycoming · 01-03-2012, 04:31 PM

The seven dwarfs always left to go to work in the mine early each morning. As always,
Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunch time approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
"Hello... Hello!" she shouted.
"Can anyone hear me? Hello!"
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
"Hello! Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing: "Re-elect Barack Obama, vote for Barack Obama....."
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive."

Daithi · 01-03-2012, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Anatomy is something everyone has, it just looks better on a girl.

I started reading all of Fbone's jokes in the comedian Steven Wright's voice and they are hilarious.

Fbone · 01-04-2012, 01:51 AM

Animal testing is futile! The animals always get nervous and give the wrong answers!

captkjaneway · 01-04-2012, 02:45 AM

My old man's been missing for almost 6 weeks now.
Earlier today, the Police came round, asked if I could call in a close relative or friend to sit with me and then advised me that I should prepare myself for some possible bad news - which would be confirmed to me in the morning.
So, I'm just off to Oxfam to see if I can get his clothes back.

A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realised that her husband had "disappeared". The somewhat irate spouse called her other half's cell phone and demanded: Where are you?
Husband replies, "Darling you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said baby it'll be yours one day."
Wife, with a smile blushing, "Yes, I remember that my love."
Husband, "Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop."

Lycoming · 01-04-2012, 08:01 AM

Shot my first turkey yesterday. It was awesome.
I tell you, getting old is so much fun.

But it did scare the s**t out of everyone else in the frozen food section…

wannabee · 01-04-2012, 08:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Anatidaephobia: The fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.

Spoiler:

Fbone · 01-04-2012, 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wannabee

Spoiler:

And what is his name?

Fbone · 01-04-2012, 09:29 PM

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap never argued with a traffic cop.

wannabee · 01-05-2012, 05:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

And what is his name?

I think that duck was the direction finding duck. His companion is Mr Curly. For further information refer to Michael Leunig.

Spoiler:

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Add from the Mobile Read Library?	danwdoo	Calibre	8	12-03-2014 06:03 PM
Good Day Eh!! :-)	Gedvondur	Introduce Yourself	12	07-22-2010 12:16 AM
Classic Is there a way to lighten the background?	rlsamson	Barnes & Noble NOOK	3	06-30-2010 04:56 PM
Read-in-Microsoft-Reader 1.1.3 add-in released	Alexander Turcic	Reading and Management	2	02-20-2006 03:47 AM

01-01-2012, 03:25 PM	#4366
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.

01-02-2012, 11:34 AM	#4368
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer. 'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger. 'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically. 'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

01-02-2012, 08:56 PM	#4369
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Anatidaephobia: The fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.

01-03-2012, 10:41 AM	#4370
Quake1028 Guru Posts: 917 Karma: 9155462 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Tampa, FL Device: See signature	Whenever I feel like doing something around the house, I lay down until the feeling passes.

01-03-2012, 01:31 PM	#4371
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Anatomy is something everyone has, it just looks better on a girl.

01-03-2012, 04:31 PM	#4372
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	The seven dwarfs always left to go to work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunch time approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived. "Hello... Hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!" For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?" Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing: "Re-elect Barack Obama, vote for Barack Obama....." Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive."

01-04-2012, 01:51 AM	#4374
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Animal testing is futile! The animals always get nervous and give the wrong answers!

01-04-2012, 02:45 AM	#4375
captkjaneway Cockney Sci-Fi Geek! Posts: 472 Karma: 1463094 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Wan Chai, Hong Kong Device: Kindle Paperwhite, Samsung Tab S 8.4", Samsung S6 Edge	My old man's been missing for almost 6 weeks now. Earlier today, the Police came round, asked if I could call in a close relative or friend to sit with me and then advised me that I should prepare myself for some possible bad news - which would be confirmed to me in the morning. So, I'm just off to Oxfam to see if I can get his clothes back. A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realised that her husband had "disappeared". The somewhat irate spouse called her other half's cell phone and demanded: Where are you? Husband replies, "Darling you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said baby it'll be yours one day." Wife, with a smile blushing, "Yes, I remember that my love." Husband, "Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop."

01-04-2012, 08:01 AM	#4376
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Shot my first turkey yesterday. It was awesome. I tell you, getting old is so much fun. But it did scare the s**t out of everyone else in the frozen food section…

01-04-2012, 09:29 PM	#4379
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Anybody who thinks talk is cheap never argued with a traffic cop.