Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[PeterT]

Originally Posted by Bookpossum

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

I am ashamed... I did not see that coming

[Fbone]

Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.

[Ajax]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they were walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that there is some hole; I cain't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw somethin' down in it and listen and see how long it takes to hit the bottom."

The first hunter says, "Look, there's an old automobile transmission lying over there. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up..

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we was just standing here a minute ago and a goat came a-runnin' out of them bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to an old transmission!"

[benham]

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

[Stephen_Melling]

In a copy of the Irish Herald:

"Cork man drowns..."

Can't remember the comedian's name...

[Ajax]

Originally Posted by Stephen_Melling

In a copy of the Irish Herald:

"Cork man drowns..."

Can't remember the comedian's name...

Well I can tell you it wasn't... Bob

[Fbone]

Alarm clock: a small, mechanical device to wake up people without children.

[Lycoming]

If you have sensibility problems look away now....

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child."

"So what do you think about that Doc ?
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..
"Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly."



OK, you can go on with your life now.......

[Ajax]

A Sentimental Story About Togetherness


My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year. I couldn't believe it, the first time ever... after all these years.

I never thought he'd be willing to share his 'guy time' with me and being the thoughtful man that he is he even gave me an opening day present. He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat.'

I'm so fortunate to be married to this wonderful man.

I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat, and we can hardly wait until "opening day!"

Spoiler:

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by Fbone

Alarm clock: a small, mechanical device to wake up people without children.

Or Pug dogs!

[Bookpossum]

Or Labradors wanting a run in the park.

[Fbone]

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

[Fbone]

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.

[Ajax]

Instructions from the I.T. Department

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art.

2. Don't ever write anything down, especially the error message that was on your screen.

3. If we ask what the last thing you did was, always respond with, "I didn't do anything."

4. When we say we'll be right over, immediately find a reason to leave so you won't have to answer silly questions from us, like "what's your screen saver password?"

5. When describing your problem, just tell us what you were ultimately trying to do. For example, just say, "I can't get my email". We don't need to know that the computer won't even turn on.

6. Feel free to ignore any email sent from us, especially those marked with high importance. You don't really need to know about the latest virus that wiped out your neighbors hard drive.

7. Always send important and urgent emails in all uppercase.

8. When the copier, or anything else remotely electronic, doesn't work, call us. Heck, if we can fix computers, we must know all about copiers too.

9. If the document you sent to the printer didn't print, send it at least 20 more times. One of them is bound to work.

10. Don't ever learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

11. Don't waste your time using the built in help files. We already had to learn the hard way, why should you?

12. If any of the computer cables are in your way or keep moving, be sure to route them across the top of your portable heater or set something big and heavy on them to hold them in place.

13. Never bother reading any message that pops up on your screen. Just click the X to close it or the first button your mouse gets to.

14. Don't ever try rebooting the computer yourself. Call us immediately. Only experienced, highly-trained professionals should attempt that.

15. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know anything about this computer crap". We love hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

16. When you receive a huge movie file that's really funny, be sure to forward it to all your friends. We have plenty of disk space and bandwidth.

17. Don't bother bringing a radio to work, just listen to music over the internet. Like I said, we have plenty of bandwidth.

18. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might squeeze their one-page document into the queue.

19. When an I.T. person is carrying heavy equipment, worth thousands of dollars, that's the best time to ask why your screen saver quit working.

20. Don't bother to tell us when you move computer equipment around on your own. We certainly don't need to keep track of those things.

21. Your computer case makes a great flat surface for sitting drinks or potted plants on.

22. Do whatever you can to cover up those ugly open air slots in the computer and monitor.

[Fbone]

Always guard your rear while you're in the hospital...You're in enema territory.