Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[columbus]

(An old one but you may not have heard it).

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel (bordello)
the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. they won't know the difference.'

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, 'you know, I think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.'

His friend says, 'could be worse I think mine was a witch.'

'A witch ??. . . why the hell would you say that?'

'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on
the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she
farted and flew out the window... taking my
teeth with her.'

[Jaime_Astorga]

The engineer asks of something "how does it work?"
The physicist asks "why does it work?"
The philosopher asks "do you want french fries with that, sir?"

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

i'd be vexed !

That's a great old word I haven't heard anyone use in a long time. I think I'm going to go on a campaign to rescue it from obscurity.

... If it's not too vexing.

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

- how many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
fish.

Originally Posted by desertgrandma

Kudos, z.p., I liked that one, too!

[GeoffC]

did the porpoise do that on purpose ?

[Lady Blue]

[columbus]

Being separated and getting lonely I placed an ad in my local paper for a wife.

I was surprised to receive over 100 replies

Each one however said the same thing -

Please take mine !!

[Lady Blue]

Take your pick columbus.

[columbus]

Originally Posted by Lady Blue

Take your pick columbus.


Attachment 36208

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by MMascaro

Old Tom had a problem that just before he woke up in the morning he let out a tremendous fart. His wife Doris told him if he keeps it up, one day he will fart his gut out. Then on Thanksgiving, Doris was feeling a little sneaky, so when she removed the innards from the turkey she snuck up the her sleeping husband and carefully placed the entrails in the back if his shorts. Later in the kitchen, Doris hears the usual noise followed by a horrible scream and running feet. A few minute later her husband comes down the stairs, white and shaken. He looks at his wife and says, “Honey, you were right. I finally farted my guts out. But with a jar of Vaseline and these two fingers, they are all back where they belong.

Did you hear about the newlyweds who got their K-Y Jelly mixed up with window putty?

All their windows fell out!



I did a search on the words Vaseline and K-Y Jelly just to make sure no one else had posted this joke and got 23 results on "Vaseline" (none on "K-Y")! I had no idea Vaseline was so popular in the MobileRead Forums. (I'm not sure what that means.)

[Jaime_Astorga]

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

I did a search on the words Vaseline and K-Y Jelly just to make sure no one else had posted this joke and got 23 results on "Vaseline" (none on "K-Y")! I had no idea Vaseline was so popular in the MobileRead Forums. (I'm not sure what that means.)

Considering the fact that MobileRead forum members are, by virtue of the current nature of e-readers, usually risky early adopters of a technology that has not become mainstream yet, perhaps their sense of adventure and penchant for the unconventional extends to other areas?

[junkml]

Originally Posted by Jaime_Astorga

Considering the fact that MobileRead forum members are, by virtue of the current nature of e-readers, usually risky early adopters of a technology that has not become mainstream yet, perhaps their sense of adventure and penchant for the unconventional extends to other areas?

That could be a slippery slope, eh?

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by junkml

That could be a slippery slope, eh?

A philosophical witticism deserves a philosophical quote in reply:

"[A]t bottom I am a good devil, and I end by laughing."
— Voltaire. Quoted in The Story of Philosophy: the Lives and Opinions of the Greater Philosophers by Will Durant.

[wodin]

It's that time of the year again (I got this from an Aussie) when we are ( or should be ) doing our tax returns so this joke is very appropriate .

The A.T.O. decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the A.T.O. office.

The A.T.O. auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the A.T.O. finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain !!!!!!!!!

[Format C:]

The first time I heard it, a finger, a prostate and the Italian Prime Minister's back hole were involved...