Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 286

wannabee · 12-12-2011, 09:19 PM

Marriage from a male perspective is a bit like finding a woman you hate and giving her a house.

Ajax · 12-12-2011, 09:55 PM

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.

“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Bubba.

“My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

DoctorOhh · 12-12-2011, 11:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ajax

His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

Many moons have past since I heard this joke. Clinton wasn't president yet and Bubba's name was Bob.

Stitchawl · 12-13-2011, 01:06 AM

I heard it years ago as 'Mike McClousky,' a 'shaggy dog' joke that took almost 30 minutes to tell!

Stitchawl

yvanleterrible · 12-13-2011, 05:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dwanthny

Many moons have past since I heard this joke. Clinton wasn't president yet and Bubba's name was Bob.

...and the Pope isn't from Poland anymore...

But it emphasizes the fact that Bubba knows people from way back!

mirandu85 · 12-13-2011, 06:57 AM

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/dealing_with_women.asp
very true thing

benham · 12-13-2011, 11:00 AM

It was Joe back when I heard it.

Daithi · 12-13-2011, 02:44 PM

The last time the Pope was here in the U.S. a friend of mine got to drive him around. Actually, the Pope drove my friend. Well, actually... OK, here's the story.

My friend is a limo driver and the company he works for was selected to pick up the Pope and drive him to his destination. When the Pope finally showed up he told my friend that he wanted to drive. The Pope said he'd always wanted to drive a limo, even if it was just for a block or two. It was against the rules, but this is the Pope, so my friend let him.

Well, the first turn they had to make the Pope didn't give them enough room, and the rear tires caught the curb. Unfortunately, a cop saw this and pulled them over. Now the cop goes up to the driver window and sees the Pope, and then turns around and heads back to his car. My friend then overheard the following conversation--

"I need to speak to the Sgt. in charge."

"Hello Sarge, I need some advise. I just pulled over someone really important, and I need to know what to do."

"Well, how important? Is it a movie star?"

"No, a lot more important than a movie star."

"Did you pull over the Governor?"

"No, a lot more important than the Governor."

"Well who did you pull over?"

"Let's just say the Pope is his driver."

desertgrandma · 12-13-2011, 08:06 PM

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Did you know:

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known…... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

.

Fbone · 12-13-2011, 11:11 PM

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Format C: · 12-14-2011, 07:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dwanthny

Many moons have past since I heard this joke. Clinton wasn't president yet and Bubba's name was Bob.

In Italy the name was Maccaluso and he was a Fiat worker...

orlok · 12-14-2011, 03:47 PM

An American, an Englishman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: “It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The Englishman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Englishman in horror, he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the American replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheik asked.

The American replied: “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”

Bookpossum · 12-14-2011, 07:49 PM

The Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

Fbone · 12-14-2011, 09:40 PM

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Daithi · 12-15-2011, 01:20 PM

Jimmy was walking by his older sister's room and he saw her standing in front of a mirror and hugging herself. She was also chanting "I want a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend." Then she started rubbing her hands up and down her body while still chanting "I want a boyfriend." Jimmy ran off to his bedroom, embarrassed by what he had just witnessed.

The next day, when Jimmy came home from school, he watched a car drop his sister off. She then ran around to the driver's side and kissed the boy that was driving the car. Later that evening the same boy came and picked his sister up to take her to a movie.

Jimmy then snuck up into his sister's room. He went and stood in front of her mirror. He started hugging himself and running his hands all over his body. Then he started chanting, "I want a bicycle. I want a bicycle."

12-13-2011, 02:44 PM	#4283
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	The last time the Pope was here in the U.S. a friend of mine got to drive him around. Actually, the Pope drove my friend. Well, actually... OK, here's the story. My friend is a limo driver and the company he works for was selected to pick up the Pope and drive him to his destination. When the Pope finally showed up he told my friend that he wanted to drive. The Pope said he'd always wanted to drive a limo, even if it was just for a block or two. It was against the rules, but this is the Pope, so my friend let him. Well, the first turn they had to make the Pope didn't give them enough room, and the rear tires caught the curb. Unfortunately, a cop saw this and pulled them over. Now the cop goes up to the driver window and sees the Pope, and then turns around and heads back to his car. My friend then overheard the following conversation-- "I need to speak to the Sgt. in charge." "Hello Sarge, I need some advise. I just pulled over someone really important, and I need to know what to do." "Well, how important? Is it a movie star?" "No, a lot more important than a movie star." "Did you pull over the Governor?" "No, a lot more important than the Governor." "Well who did you pull over?" "Let's just say the Pope is his driver." Last edited by Daithi; 12-13-2011 at 02:47 PM. Reason: my grammar sucks

12-13-2011, 08:06 PM	#4284
desertgrandma Enjoying the show.... Posts: 14,270 Karma: 10462843 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Arizona Device: A K1, Kindle Paperwhite, an Ipod, IPad2, Iphone, an Ipad Mini & macAir	REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Did you know: Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known…... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! . Attached Thumbnails

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12-12-2011, 09:19 PM	#4276
wannabee Media Bloke Posts: 2,382 Karma: 113956855 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: NSW - Australia Device: iOS	Marriage from a male perspective is a bit like finding a woman you hate and giving her a house.

12-12-2011, 09:55 PM	#4277
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.” Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!” Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says. “President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba. “My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.” So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

12-13-2011, 01:06 AM	#4279
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	I heard it years ago as 'Mike McClousky,' a 'shaggy dog' joke that took almost 30 minutes to tell! Stitchawl

12-13-2011, 06:57 AM	#4281
mirandu85 Addict Posts: 220 Karma: 175028 Join Date: Aug 2011 Device: noen	http://www.lotsofjokes.com/dealing_with_women.asp very true thing

12-13-2011, 11:00 AM	#4282
benham Guru Posts: 882 Karma: 5565888 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Townsend, WI Device: Palm TX, PRS-505 (BLUE)	It was Joe back when I heard it.

12-13-2011, 11:11 PM	#4285
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

12-14-2011, 03:47 PM	#4287
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	An American, an Englishman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: “It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The Englishman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Englishman in horror, he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do). The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!” “Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, the American replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheik asked. The American replied: “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”

12-14-2011, 07:49 PM	#4288
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	The Magician and the Parrot A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

12-14-2011, 09:40 PM	#4289
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

12-15-2011, 01:20 PM	#4290
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	Jimmy was walking by his older sister's room and he saw her standing in front of a mirror and hugging herself. She was also chanting "I want a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend." Then she started rubbing her hands up and down her body while still chanting "I want a boyfriend." Jimmy ran off to his bedroom, embarrassed by what he had just witnessed. The next day, when Jimmy came home from school, he watched a car drop his sister off. She then ran around to the driver's side and kissed the boy that was driving the car. Later that evening the same boy came and picked his sister up to take her to a movie. Jimmy then snuck up into his sister's room. He went and stood in front of her mirror. He started hugging himself and running his hands all over his body. Then he started chanting, "I want a bicycle. I want a bicycle."