Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[mores]

Originally Posted by Fbone

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Mike Skinner / The Streets puts it nicer:

I wouldn't say a word till I've walked a mile in your shoes,
But once a mile from you,
I'll utter what the f**k i choose,
Wearing nice new shoes.

[Ajax]

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

“That’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen,” I said. “That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.”

The man turned to me and said, “Yeah, it is. He hated the book.”

[Fbone]

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.

[Fbone]

Being overweight just sort of snacks up on you.

[Daithi]

Originally Posted by Ajax

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

“That’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen,” I said. “That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.”

The man turned to me and said, “Yeah, it is. He hated the book.”

When Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ came out there was a bit of controversy, and after my girlfriend and I watched the film we walked outside and a news reporter asked us how we liked the film.

I said, "Uh, the book was better." I thought I was pretty clever, but the reporter didn't get the joke, my girlfriend just rolled her eyes, and my joke didn't get aired.

[orlok]

Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazin!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor.

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. "Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, History, and Logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're QUEER, ain't ya?"

[Fbone]

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

[Ajax]

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Caribbean resort.

While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn’t seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a “burnout” in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.

Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. “Pete, it’s Joe. From high school. It’s sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.”

“I am,” whispered Pete. “I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But please don’t tell my mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money.”

[poohbear_nc]

"How To Prepare For A New Cat"

1. Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from
the can and splash it across the carpet and the
foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark
with your socks on.

2. Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each
night so that if you move a toe one inch while you
are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.

3. Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits
must use white hair, and light suits must use dark
hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee
in the morning.

4. Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to
marinate.

5. Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites
so that when they steal, it won't be the whole breast.

6. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter
clothing all over the floor.

7. Leave your underwear on the living room floor,
because that's where the cat will drag it anyway
(especially when you have company).

8. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of
your favorite TV program and run to the TV shouting
"No! No! Don't chew on the electric cord!" Miss the
end of the program.

9. Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the
corner of the living room in the morning and don't
try to clean it up until you return from work that
evening.

10. Gouge the surface of the dining room table
several times with an exacto knife. It's going to
get scratched anyway.

11. Practice searching every closet and open cabinet
door before you shut it.

12. Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.

13. Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.

14. Take a fork and shred the roll of toilet paper
while it's still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and
scatter them around the bathroom.

15. Take a staple remover and punch two holes in
every scrap of paper around the house.

16. Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some
tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right
before the company comes. Make sure your guests
get to find this before you do.

17. Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under
the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2AM and
fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.

18. Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and
immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling
you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.

[Stitchawl]

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

"How To Prepare For A New Cat"

1. Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from
the can and splash it across the carpet and the
foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark
with your socks on.

While I have never been so fortunate as to be wearing socks when I've walked in this, I still couldn't stop laughing when I read it!


Stitchawl

[Fbone]

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

[Daithi]

I just asked my niece what she wants for Christmas and she said, "I want the new Divorced Barbi. She comes with half of Ken's stuff."

[Falcao]

[Fbone]

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.

[badgoodDeb]

Well .... Or in advance, saved some woman from a lot of pain!