Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 284

columbus · 12-08-2011, 11:51 AM

Don't know if this has already been posted - the thread is getting so long now.

"The Brothel"

The madam opened the brothel door in Inverness and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

wodin · 12-08-2011, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

What? Do you mean you do NOT have them in your department stores?

Actually, it's sometimes hard to even find an elevator, much less an operator for it.

My wife is wheelchair bound, and stairs and escalators don't work for her. In the US, we have the “Americans with Disabilities Act” that requires things like elevators, sidewalk curb cuts, and extra wide parking places to accommodate ramp vans. But it doesn’t say the elevator can’t be way back in the back of the store and not very well marked.

Fbone · 12-08-2011, 02:26 PM

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.

Daithi · 12-08-2011, 04:27 PM

One day a little non-conforming sparrow decided that he was not going to fly south for the winter. However, he quickly changed his mind as winter approached and it got colder. Unfortunately, he left too late in the season, and as he was flying south his wings began to frost up. Eventually he was unable to fly, and he crash landed onto an old farm yard. To make matters worse, shortly after crashing a cow took a dump that landed right on top of this poor bird. Now the little bird thought he was done for, but the manure started warming him up and defrosting his wings, so the little bird started singing with joy. This was a mistake, because a large Tom cat heard the singing and then found the bird in the manure -- and quickly ate the little bird.

Now, there are three morals to this little tale.
1) Not everyone who shites on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shite is your friend.
3) If you are happy and content in a pile of shite then keep your mouth shut.

HomeInMyShoes · 12-08-2011, 04:56 PM

^I thought the lesson was that non-conformity will kill you.
This message brought to you by the United States Marketing Association.

Ajax · 12-08-2011, 06:56 PM

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.

“This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent.

The guys says to the dog, “What’s on the top of a house?”
“Roof!” the dog replies.

“Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.”

“No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog, “What does sandpaper feel like?”
“Rough!” the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you.” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“Ruth!” barks the dog.

And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog then turns to the guy and says, “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

Kevin8or · 12-08-2011, 08:22 PM

badgoodDeb · 12-08-2011, 08:34 PM

Nice!

Kevin8or · 12-08-2011, 10:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ajax

“Your badge… Show him your badge!!”

I've been sharing this joke and getting good laughs from it. People like it.

Fbone · 12-08-2011, 11:07 PM

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Ajax · 12-08-2011, 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kevin8or

I've been sharing this joke and getting good laughs from it. People like it.

Glad you liked it.

Lycoming · 12-09-2011, 09:51 AM

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS, SISTERS, AND/OR GIRL FRIENDS:

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert or 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Nexutix · 12-09-2011, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ajax

...

The dog then turns to the guy and says, “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

And I read that in Scooby-Doo's voice.

badgoodDeb · 12-09-2011, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS, SISTERS, AND/OR GIRL FRIENDS:

Nice list!

pdurrant · 12-09-2011, 04:42 PM

MC: I regret to announce that the band "Five Foolish Virgins" has been dropped from tonight's line-up, as we've found out that two of them are...

Spoiler:

12-09-2011, 04:42 PM	#4260
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 74,005 Karma: 315160596 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Oasis	MC: I regret to announce that the band "Five Foolish Virgins" has been dropped from tonight's line-up, as we've found out that two of them are... Spoiler: ... really rather sensible.

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12-08-2011, 11:51 AM	#4246
columbus Wizard Posts: 999 Karma: 5487540 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: In my own imagination. Device: Sony Prs 650, 505	Don't know if this has already been posted - the thread is getting so long now. "The Brothel" The madam opened the brothel door in Inverness and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Suzy." "Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Suzy." Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy. Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still £5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs. After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, " Edinburgh." "Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

12-08-2011, 02:26 PM	#4248
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.

12-08-2011, 04:27 PM	#4249
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	One day a little non-conforming sparrow decided that he was not going to fly south for the winter. However, he quickly changed his mind as winter approached and it got colder. Unfortunately, he left too late in the season, and as he was flying south his wings began to frost up. Eventually he was unable to fly, and he crash landed onto an old farm yard. To make matters worse, shortly after crashing a cow took a dump that landed right on top of this poor bird. Now the little bird thought he was done for, but the manure started warming him up and defrosting his wings, so the little bird started singing with joy. This was a mistake, because a large Tom cat heard the singing and then found the bird in the manure -- and quickly ate the little bird. Now, there are three morals to this little tale. 1) Not everyone who shites on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shite is your friend. 3) If you are happy and content in a pile of shite then keep your mouth shut.

12-08-2011, 04:56 PM	#4250
HomeInMyShoes Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,226 Karma: 67780237 Join Date: Jul 2011 Device: none	^I thought the lesson was that non-conformity will kill you. This message brought to you by the United States Marketing Association.

12-08-2011, 06:56 PM	#4251
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. The guys says to the dog, “What’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog, “What does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you.” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” barks the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog then turns to the guy and says, “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

12-08-2011, 08:22 PM	#4252
Kevin8or Guru Posts: 977 Karma: 43409226 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Bay Area, CA Device: Kindle 3

12-08-2011, 08:34 PM	#4253
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,551 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	Nice!

12-08-2011, 11:07 PM	#4255
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12-09-2011, 09:51 AM	#4257
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS, SISTERS, AND/OR GIRL FRIENDS: 1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert or 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal.