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Old 12-07-2011, 09:31 AM   #4231
orlok
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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick SOB!




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Oh, they have their ups and downs.
Groan (and double groan).


A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Old 12-07-2011, 11:32 AM   #4232
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Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 Cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette.
A bit different than what I have heard.

But the punch line I "use" is.

You throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

BOb

Last edited by pilotbob; 12-09-2011 at 09:31 AM.
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Old 12-07-2011, 01:41 PM   #4233
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Old 12-07-2011, 01:42 PM   #4234
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Old 12-07-2011, 02:05 PM   #4235
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But what about the elevator operator?



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Elevators in Kyoto still have operators?
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Old 12-07-2011, 02:28 PM   #4236
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...or the opposite
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Elevators in Kyoto still have operators?
Maybe voice operators?

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Old 12-07-2011, 02:35 PM   #4237
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I thought they'd have tried "ten" then.
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Old 12-07-2011, 06:56 PM   #4238
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Old 12-07-2011, 06:59 PM   #4239
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Elevators in Kyoto still have operators?
What? Do you mean you do NOT have them in your department stores?

Not only are there elevator operators who push the buttons for you, they bow to you when you enter, protect you from the closing door, and bow to you when you exit... AND... there is a second operator outside the lift to invite you in, remind everyone that the lift is about to depart, and give you all (including the inside operator) a nice farewell bow.



If the department store really has its act together, there are also Escalator Girls...



These are all highly desirable jobs in Japan, requiring a four-year college degree, and extensive training.



Most often, young women choose which department store to work for depending upon who has designed the uniforms. Donna Karen and Armani are the most sought-after designers. It is their goal to meet the man of their dreams (before age 25) and quit this damn boring work!


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Old 12-07-2011, 07:51 PM   #4240
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Old 12-08-2011, 01:23 AM   #4241
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Originally Posted by Stitchawl View Post
What? Do you mean you do NOT have them in your department stores?

Not only are there elevator operators who push the buttons for you, they bow to you when you enter, protect you from the closing door, and bow to you when you exit... AND... there is a second operator outside the lift to invite you in, remind everyone that the lift is about to depart, and give you all (including the inside operator) a nice farewell bow.



If the department store really has its act together, there are also Escalator Girls...



These are all highly desirable jobs in Japan, requiring a four-year college degree, and extensive training.



Most often, young women choose which department store to work for depending upon who has designed the uniforms. Donna Karen and Armani are the most sought-after designers. It is their goal to meet the man of their dreams (before age 25) and quit this damn boring work!


Stitchawl

Aaahh Japan, everyone is so polite. It took us about a month to stop bowing to everyone when we got home after staying there for a couple of weeks.
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Old 12-08-2011, 02:04 AM   #4242
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Aaahh Japan, everyone is so polite. It took us about a month to stop bowing to everyone when we got home after staying there for a couple of weeks.

You know you've been in Japan too long when you catch yourself bowing while on the phone...


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Old 12-08-2011, 03:59 AM   #4243
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Aaahh Japan, everyone is so polite.
Even samurai is polite and bows respectfully while his katana deftly slices through your guts
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Old 12-08-2011, 04:48 AM   #4244
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A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? ”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis Bull……
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..

“Your badge… Show him your badge!!”
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Old 12-08-2011, 04:52 AM   #4245
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
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