Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[badgoodDeb]

Originally Posted by Fbone

Never pick a quarrel, even when it's ripe.

And *especially* if it's still loaded in the crossbow.

[orlok]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date. But unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Spoiler:

At the risk of ruining the joke by too much explanation, I thought our non-Brit firends might like to know that "popping your clogs" is a rather oldfashioned expression for passing away. Dying. Shuffling off this mortal coil etc. etc.

[badgoodDeb]

Originally Posted by orlok

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date. But unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Spoiler:

At the risk of ruining the joke by too much explanation, I thought our non-Brit firends might like to know that "popping your clogs" is a rather oldfashioned expression for passing away. Dying. Shuffling off this mortal coil etc. etc.

Thanks - I needed the explanation. I was totally lost without it!

[Daithi]

Originally Posted by Fbone

Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up.

Spotted on the front of a T-Shirt worn by members of the U.S. Army Sniper School: You can run, but you'll just die tired.

[Fbone]

No brain is stronger than its weakest think.

[Fbone]

Nudist Camp sign : Sorry, Clothed for Winter.

[dreams]

Why is Christmas just like another day at the office?



You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit...

[Stitchawl]

True story...
When my son was about 6 years old, I asked him what he wanted Santa to bring him this Christmas. He looked at me and said "Dad, I'm six years old. I don't think there really is a Santa Claus."
I said "Son, if you don't believe in Santa Claus, you don't get presents for Christmas!"
He thought about that for a few seconds and said
"Dad, would Santa prefer we left him chocolate chip cookies or oatmeal cookies?"


Stitchawl

[PeterT]

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

[PeterT]

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off.
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the dark!" says Murphy.

[PeterT]

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ....and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya ijiot

[PeterT]

In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed..

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Fbone]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

[Stitchawl]

Why we have a little Angel sitting on top of the Tree... a true story.

Spoiler:

It had been a totally miserable December at the North Pole, the elves had been on strike, Santa had the flu, Mrs.Clause was at her wits end, there were only three days till X-mas Eve and only half the orders from all the good little boys and girls had been filled. In short; it was doubtful that Santa was going to be able to make his annual flight around the world. Stress.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. More stress. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. Still more stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. Now not only stressed out, but getting really angry too...

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Santa was ready to explode. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?

The end.

Stitchawl

[astra]

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Why we have a little Angel sitting on top of the Tree... a true story.

Spoiler:

It had been a totally miserable December at the North Pole, the elves had been on strike, Santa had the flu, Mrs.Clause was at her wits end, there were only three days till X-mas Eve and only half the orders from all the good little boys and girls had been filled. In short; it was doubtful that Santa was going to be able to make his annual flight around the world. Stress.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. More stress. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. Still more stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. Now not only stressed out, but getting really angry too...

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Santa was ready to explode. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?

The end.