Unutterably Silly The 2-sentences-per-post story (starring a mysterious blonde psockpuppet?)

[LazyScot]

I thought I'd chance my luck and said, "my fee is $300 per day, plus expenses," realising as I said it that I shouldn't have given the expressions that appeared on the faces of the weasles and chinchilla.

To my surprise, after a short pause, Alice replied, "okay," and then added, "but the antidote costs $750."

[LazyScot]

"One last thing," added Alice as I stepped out of the room, "for the bill or your tombstone: what's your name?"

"Spam Sayd -- I was baptised by one Reverend William Archibald Spooner -- and it's the money plus expenses I'll be collecting in under forty-eight hours, so make sure you've got it and the antidote ready," I said, and returned to the bar and the ape hunt.

[dreams]

As I settled on my bar stool, I started my mental calculations; $750 dollars for the antidote, $300 a day plus expenses, 12 hours in a day, so if I don't sleep that's 2 extra days and a total of $1200 plus expenses.. enough to pay for that antidote and have some left over.

I knew those extra maths classes I took would come in handy someday.

[LazyScot]

I knocked back the drink that Louie the llama had given me on the house -- perhaps he wasn't as hardbitten as Alice -- and did some quick thinking; this case needed solving, and fast, but not too fast.

I got up and went over to the sunlit corner and picked up Ugarte, who was happily snoozing off the after-effects of the catnip filled hookah, by the scruff of his neck and carried him unprotesting out the back and held him over a large barrel of water.

[LazyScot]

"Talk or bath," I said, shaking Ugarte awake. "Your choice."

[GeoffC]

At least that was what I intended to do, get him to talk, but me in my present state, I had forgotten the catnip; the catnip that drives cats mad as a mad hatter on erm catnip !.

Now I had shredded chinchilla splashed trousers with acid-like holes, scratched shredded arms, legs and other appendages; life was not going my way anyway soon....and the threat of my expenses exceeding the value of my incomings was not doing my head any good; I felt the start of a blinding migraine.....

[LazyScot]

"Of course, mister Sayd, you only had to ask as I am always willing at your service; there is no need of unpleasantnesses," said Ugarte showing a deference and compliance not normally associated with the feline species.

Through the growing blaze of my headache, I just managed to think "how the heck does he know my name?", and then his compatriots arrived.

[LazyScot]

Bad day, meet worse day, I thought. And then I found that worse day had done a runner scared off by worst day that had just come round the corner.

[GeoffC]

I thought, I pondered. I then panicked, slightly.

[LazyScot]

"I do hope you awe not twoubwing my good fwiend Ugwate," said a voice behind me, adding "I wouldn't want to have to get angwy with you."

I knew that rasping voice from the radio; it was our inimitable governor Elmer J. "Payola" Fudd who had once, and only once, been described by a paper as violent and corrupt resulting in the paper getting sued into non-existance by lawyers working for the word violent and the word corrupt who claimed defamation, and won.

[poohbear_nc]

Mayor Fudd was pointing his large blunderbuss at me - the one he had campaigned with: "Be vewy vewy quiet -- I'm hunting cowwuption!" And he had a twitchy fingew, err, finger.

[LazyScot]

As I turned round to face Mayor Fudd, my migrane took one look at my situation and slunk off to a dark corner of my head for safety, though it continued to take every opportunity it could to kick my pain receptors.

"I see you wike my bwundewbuss, so why don't you Ugawte and our fwiends come to my pwivate office to discuss matter photogwaphic," said Mayor Fudd.

[LazyScot]

"Our friends?" I though and looked round to see Louie had appeared by my side.

"I'm suwe that Wouie the Wwama can give Ugwate a wift," added Mayor Fudd.

[poohbear_nc]

Hearing all those W's made my migwaine, errr migraine, come out to pway, err play dammit again. I slunk after the Mayor into his inner sanctum expecting the worst!

[LazyScot]

As I trooped along, a normal oddity amongst a surrealist circus parade of critters, creatures and assorted characters, it dawned on me why even worst day was about to join bad day and worse day in legging it in fear.

The Mayor had appeared like some minor flunky sent to pick up the trash, which could only mean he was being directed by Mr (or, for that matter, Mrs -- I've always believed evil is an equal opportunity corruptor) Big, which begged the question who was domineering, mean and nasty enough to control the notriously powerful Mayor Fudd.