Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 273

Fbone · 11-09-2011, 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilbo1967

Fbone is my wife???!!???

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

Hamlet53 · 11-09-2011, 08:21 PM

Ajax · 11-09-2011, 10:30 PM

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Lycoming · 11-10-2011, 04:55 AM

For our Cuzzins across the pond, Rugby Union is similar to American Football, but requires that you play without any protective equipment.

A Rugby Union fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call
on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks
for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to
a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in
Yorkshire... like I said; my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna
be a rugby Union player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations
of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say,
aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25
pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So,
how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What
happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'

The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and
proudly says…….

'Had him circumcised...

wodin · 11-10-2011, 01:42 PM

Speaking of Rugby, I'm reminded of my US Navy days when my ship tied up next to one of Her Majesty’s finest. In the interest of international relations, we challenged the Brits to a game of flag football, American style. Thinking that was a bit unfair, they countered with a challenge to a game of rugby; so naturally we had to play both.

As expected, they trounced us soundly at rugby, and not to be outdone, we came in at second place in the football game.

Fbone · 11-10-2011, 06:19 PM

Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.

badgoodDeb · 11-10-2011, 07:23 PM

Unless it's your hair that fails.....

orlok · 11-11-2011, 04:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

Unless it's your hair that fails.....

It makes what you hair you have left stand on end though!

Fbone · 11-11-2011, 01:03 PM

If you need time alone, try cleaning the house.

Fbone · 11-11-2011, 01:08 PM

There is a certain freedom in having nothing left to lose.

orlok · 11-11-2011, 01:10 PM

An inefficient lavatory cannot be cleaned with turpentine. The spirit is willing, but the flush is weak.

Lycoming · 11-11-2011, 02:53 PM

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump’s haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire.”

The other alien shouted to his comrade, “No, you must not anger him…” but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said “What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?”

The other alien answered, “If there is one thing I have learned in my travels through the galaxy it’s if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don’t screw with him.

Three couples go to join a church. The pastor of the church tells them that to join the church they just abstain from sex for three weeks. Three weeks later they all return to the church and the pastor asks them how they did.

The first couple reported that since they had been married for so long, it was not an issue from them and they completed their assignment. They were welcomed to the church.

The second couple reported that is was more difficult, and the husband had to sleep on the couch a few nights, but they too completed their assignment. They were welcomed to the church.

When the last couple was asked how they did the husband responded: “Well we decided to paint the living room to take our minds off it. Linda went up the ladder to get some paint and she when came down in front of me, I could not help myself and I took her right there.”

The pastor responded: “Well son, I am sorry to say that after that you will not be allowed in the church.”

The husband says “Yea, well after that, we are not allowed in the Home Depot anymore either.”

PeterT · 11-11-2011, 06:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

An inefficient lavatory cannot be cleaned with turpentine. The spirit is willing, but the flush is weak.

That sounds to be worthy of one of the stories told at the end of the classic BBC quiz program My Word!.

Fbone · 11-12-2011, 01:32 PM

Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

Fbone · 11-12-2011, 01:34 PM

A wise old owl sat on an oak,
The more he saw the less he spoke;
The less he spoke the more he heard;
Why aren't we like that wise old bird?

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11-09-2011, 10:30 PM	#4083
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

11-10-2011, 04:55 AM	#4084
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	For our Cuzzins across the pond, Rugby Union is similar to American Football, but requires that you play without any protective equipment. A Rugby Union fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Yorkshire... like I said; my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby Union player.' Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!' The Yorkshire man takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says……. 'Had him circumcised...

11-10-2011, 01:42 PM	#4085
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	Speaking of Rugby, I'm reminded of my US Navy days when my ship tied up next to one of Her Majesty’s finest. In the interest of international relations, we challenged the Brits to a game of flag football, American style. Thinking that was a bit unfair, they countered with a challenge to a game of rugby; so naturally we had to play both. As expected, they trounced us soundly at rugby, and not to be outdone, we came in at second place in the football game.

11-10-2011, 06:19 PM	#4086
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.

11-10-2011, 07:23 PM	#4087
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,551 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	Unless it's your hair that fails.....

11-11-2011, 01:03 PM	#4089
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	If you need time alone, try cleaning the house.

11-11-2011, 01:08 PM	#4090
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	There is a certain freedom in having nothing left to lose.

11-11-2011, 01:10 PM	#4091
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	An inefficient lavatory cannot be cleaned with turpentine. The spirit is willing, but the flush is weak.

11-11-2011, 02:53 PM	#4092
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.” The gas pump, of course, did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump’s haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire.” The other alien shouted to his comrade, “No, you must not anger him…” but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said “What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?” The other alien answered, “If there is one thing I have learned in my travels through the galaxy it’s if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don’t screw with him. Three couples go to join a church. The pastor of the church tells them that to join the church they just abstain from sex for three weeks. Three weeks later they all return to the church and the pastor asks them how they did. The first couple reported that since they had been married for so long, it was not an issue from them and they completed their assignment. They were welcomed to the church. The second couple reported that is was more difficult, and the husband had to sleep on the couch a few nights, but they too completed their assignment. They were welcomed to the church. When the last couple was asked how they did the husband responded: “Well we decided to paint the living room to take our minds off it. Linda went up the ladder to get some paint and she when came down in front of me, I could not help myself and I took her right there.” The pastor responded: “Well son, I am sorry to say that after that you will not be allowed in the church.” The husband says “Yea, well after that, we are not allowed in the Home Depot anymore either.”

11-12-2011, 01:32 PM	#4094
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

11-09-2011, 08:21 PM	#4082
Hamlet53 Nameless Being

11-12-2011, 01:34 PM	#4095
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A wise old owl sat on an oak, The more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke the more he heard; Why aren't we like that wise old bird?