Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 268

WT Sharpe · 11-01-2011, 01:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world..........

Then she made the earth round.

@badgoodDeb—tell me you aren't

ing at this one!

dreams · 11-01-2011, 02:27 AM

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began asking
him about where he got it.

He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep,
but they persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest
full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I DIDN’T!”

badgoodDeb · 11-01-2011, 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

@badgoodDeb—tell me you aren't

ing at this one!

Oh, I am, I am!!

[ PS pardon any current male antipathy you may detect -- just finished a divorce, and am trying to clean out the hoarder's house to sell it ....
I am normally not quite so male negative!

I quite like them, in fact! ]

Lycoming · 11-01-2011, 04:24 PM

Just for you Deb, and you never know it may be good advice. We, the boss and I, have a friend who is monitoring her divorce via her husband's email. Oh what a silly boy, for the sake of a password.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals" or "Directions".

Fbone · 11-01-2011, 05:42 PM

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Fbone · 11-01-2011, 05:49 PM

I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Stitchawl · 11-01-2011, 10:22 PM

For PeterT, Poohbear, and April Hare...

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Read the answers:

REV JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people
see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going
to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side."
Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that
chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens
until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain
and simple as that.

KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest
of the president of the United States of America in an effort to
distract law enforcement officials and the American public from
the criminal wrong doing our highest elected official has been
trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn
in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct
justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff
intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he
co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken
will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until
our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations
have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid
Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell,
alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit
any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to
ruffle his feathers.)

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of
eChicken.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean
by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road,
and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?

wannabee · 11-02-2011, 12:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

Oh, I am, I am!!

[ PS pardon any current male antipathy you may detect -- just finished a divorce, and am trying to clean out the hoarder's house to sell it ....
I am normally not quite so male negative!

I quite like them, in fact! ]

Like them . . . slowly roasted with potatoes, I'd say.

orlok · 11-02-2011, 06:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Why did the chicken cross the road?
[SNIP]

Simply brilliant!

silvan4now · 11-02-2011, 09:45 AM

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

Fbone · 11-02-2011, 03:07 PM

I need my sinuses like I need a hole in my head.

[I'm running out of material]

dreams · 11-02-2011, 04:14 PM

If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers

HELPLINE: "General Motors Help Line, how may I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELPLINE: "General Motors Help Line, how may I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How may I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

****
The Frog

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What is it?I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer.I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

straygator · 11-02-2011, 06:08 PM

Ever notice all the people driving faster than you are maniacs, and all the people driving slower are morons?

wodin · 11-02-2011, 06:54 PM

Yup!!

Fbone · 11-02-2011, 11:28 PM

I ordered a self help tape called "How to Handle Disappointment" when the package came, the box was empty.

11-01-2011, 02:27 AM	#4007
dreams It's about the umbrella Posts: 25,110 Karma: 56250158 Join Date: Jan 2009 Device: Sony 505\| K Fire \| KK 3G+Wi-Fi \| iPhone 3Gs \|Vista 32-bit Hm Prem w/FF	A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began asking him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until finally he gave in. “OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked. “Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy. “Good,” said the first bat, “Because I DIDN’T!” Last edited by dreams; 11-01-2011 at 02:34 AM.

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11-01-2011, 04:24 PM	#4009
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Just for you Deb, and you never know it may be good advice. We, the boss and I, have a friend who is monitoring her divorce via her husband's email. Oh what a silly boy, for the sake of a password. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals" or "Directions".

11-01-2011, 05:42 PM	#4010
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

11-01-2011, 05:49 PM	#4011
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

11-01-2011, 10:22 PM	#4012
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	For PeterT, Poohbear, and April Hare... Why did the chicken cross the road? Read the answers: REV JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrong doing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.) PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSAIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please? LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

11-02-2011, 09:45 AM	#4015
silvan4now Groupie Posts: 173 Karma: 224260 Join Date: Oct 2011 Device: none	A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day. 'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

11-02-2011, 03:07 PM	#4016
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I need my sinuses like I need a hole in my head. [I'm running out of material]

11-02-2011, 04:14 PM	#4017
dreams It's about the umbrella Posts: 25,110 Karma: 56250158 Join Date: Jan 2009 Device: Sony 505\| K Fire \| KK 3G+Wi-Fi \| iPhone 3Gs \|Vista 32-bit Hm Prem w/FF	If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers HELPLINE: "General Motors Help Line, how may I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?" HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?" HELPLINE: "General Motors Help Line, how may I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How may I help you?" CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!" ** The Frog** A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do Anything you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it?I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do Anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer.I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

11-02-2011, 06:08 PM	#4018
straygator Connoisseur Posts: 88 Karma: 33904 Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: Cayman Islands Device: Kindle	Ever notice all the people driving faster than you are maniacs, and all the people driving slower are morons?

11-02-2011, 06:54 PM	#4019
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	Yup!!

11-02-2011, 11:28 PM	#4020
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I ordered a self help tape called "How to Handle Disappointment" when the package came, the box was empty.