Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Bookpossum]

In case this one hasn't been posted before:

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing, along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration are checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."

[DoctorOhh]

My oldest son's first original joke was a Knock Knock joke.

He was 4 years old.

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Lipstick head

Lipstick Head who?

Lipstick head you! hahahahaha!

(He points finger at me and laughs)

His delivery of this joke cracked me up, but alas he didn't choose comedy as a profession.

[Lycoming]

It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewantown of Pumphandle and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit. A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants
to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op. The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been
facing hard times and has had to offer her
"services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states
that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up
the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus
package" works.

[Bikeridr]

A 10-year-old girl is on her way home when a big bearded fellow on a large black motorcycle runs up the side of her, after running by a little, he looks at her and he says:
"Hey little girl, you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the girl, hurrying on.
The motorcyclist coming back up on her side again and says "Come on, I'll give you 10 dollars."
"NO!" she replies again and runs down the street. The motorcyclist approaches her again and says:
"Okay, my last offer, you get twenty dollars and a big bag of candy if you'll ride with me."
The girl stops, stares at the man and shouts:
"Now listen, Dad, it was you who bought the Harley-Davidson instead of the Yamaha. Live with it!"

[Bikeridr]

Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man answers, "241."

"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The lady answers, "144."

"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man answers, "51."

Albert's face lights up as he exclaims, "So you're the one who rides the Harley parked out front!"

---

Harley-Davidson: The most efficient way to convert gasoline into noise without the adverse side effect of horsepower.

Did you know 95% of all Harleys are still on the road?
The other 5% actually made it home.

Is it true that Harleys are chick magnets?
Yes, but only if the chick has a steel plate in her head.

What's the cheapest way to get another 50hp from your Harley?
Trade it in on a Kawasaki.

Why don't Harley riders sit on their bikes when the sidestands are down?
They're afraid to lean over that far.

What's the difference between a Harley and a Harley owner's home?
The Harley costs more and has fewer wheels.

How do you now you're riding a Harley?
While coming off an exit-ramp you get passed by a Vespa.

Why don't Harley riders wave at sportbike riders?
Because they don't want to drop their tools.

How do you know all the aftermarket parts you bought for your Harley are worth the money?
You finally break into the 15's in the quarter mile.


How do Harley engineers tell if a bike is worthy of the Harley name?
They check to make sure the exhaust noise in decibels exceeds the horsepower rating.

Why don't Harley owners smile?
Once you realized you got conned into paying $25,000 for an outdated piece of $#!+ would YOU be smiling?

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
The location of the dirtbags.

Why do Harleys have fringe?
So you can tell if they're moving.

How do you know your Harley is handling great?
You can almost keep up with the logging trucks when you're riding in the
canyons.

How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

Why couldn't the Harley mechanic repair the doorknob?
Some things just can't be fixed with only a hammer and a rope.

What's the difference between a Harley taken to Daytona on a trailer and one that's being ridden there?
The one on the trailer is going about 30mph faster.

Why do all Harley owners have trailers??
So they can go around corners faster!

[Lycoming]

Harley jokes, brills especially the dirtbag.

[WT Sharpe]

I heard one fellow say that riding a Yahama is like making love to sheep. It feels good until one of your friends catches you doing it.

[Bikeridr]

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

I heard one fellow say that riding a Yahama is like making love to sheep. It feels good until one of your friends catches you doing it.

Oh, so you are the one with IQ 51?

[WT Sharpe]

Maybe so. Years ago (when my hair was still black) I went on a Poker run with a friend who had a V-Max. Once there, we were joined by a third rider who, like me, had a Sportster. My friend was a very careful—and slow—rider, and we kept joking on how his poor Yamaha V-Max couldn't even keep up with our Harley-Davidson Sportsters. Of course, we were baiting him because we wanted to see him open the throttle up just once to see what that legendary muscle bike could really do. Finally, after countless jibes, he took the bait and gunned it. The V-Max took off like a rocker, leaving us in the dust. When we finally caught up with him (he waited for us), I said, "Are you crazy? Didn't you see that motorcycle club at the rest stop you passed when you took off like that?"

"Yeah. So?"

"That was the Blue Knight Motorcycle Club!"

"Okay. So what?"

"Don't you know why they call themselves the Blue Knights?"

"No."

"They're all cops." I told him.

Fortunately, they were very off-duty cops, and none pursued us. Yes, we wanted to see him open up the V-Max, but not in front of an all-police motorcycle club!

[Bikeridr]

@WT Sharpe:
Good story (And nice bike)
If it'd happened in Norway y'all probably woul'd have been lisenceless..

Anyway, for the record, I do in fact drive a Yamaha (FJR1300). I also have friends driving Harleys and we are always "bugging" each other on a friendly basis.
(I just had to send the 10-year-old-girl joke to my friends, no come-backs yet).

BTW, the original V-Max has no substitute. The new one looks boring and does not by far have the same magic aura as the original one, 200 HP or not.

(And my hair also used to be black, when it was still attached to my head).

[WT Sharpe]

Yes, that's how it was with us. We enjoyed riding together, but we would joke endlessly on each other's bikes. BTW, that paint job on the bike in the photograph? He did that for me in his garage in back of his house. I loved it!

[Bikeridr]

This might be a tad on the edge, so it's in a spoiler tag.
Please bear with me, I just translated it from Norwegian to English.
(No, Google translate did not do a very good job)..

Spoiler:

A farmer is sitting at the local pub in the middle of the morning, drinking himself shitfaced.
Another man comes in and asks the farmer:
- How is it that you are sitting here right in the best working hour getting all that drunk?
- Some things can't be explained, the farmer says, sighing.
- But what's so terrible?
- I was milking a cow this morning, the farmer said gloomily.
- When the bucket was full, the stupid cow kicked out the left hind leg and toppled it over.
- Is there now such a disaster? One do not cry over spilled milk.
- Some things you just can't explain ...
- You believe that there was something more?
- So I took the left leg of the cow and tied it firmly to a pole, continued the farmer.
- So I sat down and continued to milk her. But when the bucket was full she kicked it down with the other hind leg.
- Again?
- Some things can't be explained ...
- What did you do?
- I tied up the right leg too and tried again, but when the bucket was full, the bl**dy cow tipped over the bucket with his tail.
- Then I think you were mad!
- Some things are just impossible to explain, sighed the farmer.
- Well, what happened next?
- Well ... I had no more ropes, so I loosened my belt and tied the tail to the roof beam. This caused my pants to fall down, and at the same moment my wife came ...!

[Fbone]

I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.

[Daithi]

Originally Posted by Bikeridr

This might be a tad on the edge, so it's in a spoiler tag.
Please bear with me, I just translated it from Norwegian to English.
(No, Google translate did not do a very good job)..

Spoiler:

A farmer is sitting at the local pub in the middle of the morning, drinking himself shitfaced.
Another man comes in and asks the farmer:
- How is it that you are sitting here right in the best working hour getting all that drunk?
- Some things can't be explained, the farmer says, sighing.
- But what's so terrible?
- I was milking a cow this morning, the farmer said gloomily.
- When the bucket was full, the stupid cow kicked out the left hind leg and toppled it over.
- Is there now such a disaster? One do not cry over spilled milk.
- Some things you just can't explain ...
- You believe that there was something more?
- So I took the left leg of the cow and tied it firmly to a pole, continued the farmer.
- So I sat down and continued to milk her. But when the bucket was full she kicked it down with the other hind leg.
- Again?
- Some things can't be explained ...
- What did you do?
- I tied up the right leg too and tried again, but when the bucket was full, the bl**dy cow tipped over the bucket with his tail.
- Then I think you were mad!
- Some things are just impossible to explain, sighed the farmer.
- Well, what happened next?
- Well ... I had no more ropes, so I loosened my belt and tied the tail to the roof beam. This caused my pants to fall down, and at the same moment my wife came ...!

I get where the farmer was going. Some things can't be explained ...

[wannabee]

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Harley jokes, brills especially the dirtbag.

The neighbours across the road must be wondering about the laughter.