Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 253

Kayden · 10-06-2011, 08:00 PM

I am not any good at telling jokes, but I sure like reading them. Thanks for making me laugh.

WT Sharpe · 10-06-2011, 11:01 PM

"Give her another chance, give her another chance."

Stitchawl , you are so dead!

pilotbob · 10-06-2011, 11:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

One day a big group of blonds met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb. They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."

The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd.
She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?"
The blonde responded: "November?"

"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?"
The blonde responded: "Paris?"
So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?"
The blonde replied: "Two?"

“Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.

Stitchawl

After getting 3 wrong I don't think she needs another chance. Ball 3 and your safe.

BOb

Stitchawl · 10-07-2011, 02:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

"Give her another chance, give her another chance."

Stitchawl , you are so dead!

Hey, why do you think I chose to live in a country where EVERYONE has black hair? (Except for some of the kids with green, orange, purple, mixed fruit hair, etc.)

Stitchawl

Fbone · 10-07-2011, 03:07 AM

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

astra · 10-07-2011, 04:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kayden

I am not any good at telling jokes, but I sure like reading them. Thanks for making me laugh.

Is it supposed to be a joke?

Spoiler:

wannabee · 10-07-2011, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

If I looked up this thread and didn't find one of you quotes here I would think something was wrong with my world.

wannabee · 10-07-2011, 09:02 AM

The funniest joke I ever heard

Spoiler:

Graham Coulson · 10-07-2011, 01:29 PM

A London parish vicar thought that a spot of advertising for his church wouldn’t do any harm and so he erected a huge poster with the slogan:

“IF YOU ARE TIRED OF SIN, PLEASE STEP INSIDE.”

The next day, he saw written large underneath it:

“But if not, telephone Mayfair 72106.”

Fbone · 10-07-2011, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wannabee

If I looked up this thread and didn't find one of you quotes here I would think something was wrong with my world.

Thanks

But being in Australia; how would you tell if something was wrong?

Fbone · 10-07-2011, 05:49 PM

I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.

Fbone · 10-08-2011, 05:13 PM

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

Bookpossum · 10-08-2011, 09:13 PM

This comes from a book by Ian Stewart called "Professor Stewart's Cabinet of Mathematical Curiosities". (Stewart notes it is inspired in part by athe science fiction short story "Fall of Knight" by A Bertram Chandler, which appeared in Fantastic Universe magazine in 1958.)

Brave Sir Lunchalot was travelling through foreign parts. Suddenly there was a flash of lightning and a deafening crack of thunder, and the rain started bucketing down. Fearing rust, he headed for the nearest shelter, Duke Ethelfred's castle. He arrived to find the Duke's wife, Lady Gingerbere, weeping piteously.

Sir Lunchalot liked attractive young ladies, and for a brief moment he noticed a distinct glint through Gingerbere's tears. Ethelfred was very old and frail, he observed ... Only one thing he vowed would deter him from a secret tryst with the Lady - the one thing in all the world that he could not stand. Puns.

Having greeted the Duke, Lunchalot enquired Gingerbere was so sad.

"It is my uncle, Lord Elpus," she explained. "He died yesterday."

"Permit me to offer my sincerest condolences," said Lunchalot.

"That is not why I weep so ... so piteously, sir knight," replied Gingerbere. "My cousins Gord, Evan and Liddell are unable to fulfil the terms of uncle's will."

"Why ever not?"

"It seems that Lord Elpus invested the entire family fortune in a rare breed of giant riding-dogs. He owned 17 of them."

Lunchalot had never heard of a riding-dog, but he did not wish to display his ignorance in front of such a lithesome lady. But this fear, it appeared, could be set to rest, for she said,

"Although I have heard much of these animals, I myself have never set eyes on one."

"They are no fit sight for a fair lady," said Ethelfred firmly.

"And the terms of the will ...?" Lunchalot asked, to divert the direction of the conversation.

"Ah, Lord Elpus left everything to his three sons. He decreed that Gord should receive half the dogs, Evan should receive one-third, and Liddell one-ninth."

"Mmm. Could be messy."

"No dog is to be subdivided, good knight."

Lunchalot stiffened at the phrase 'good knight', but decided it had been uttered innocently and was not a pathetic attempt at humour.

"Well ..." Lunchalot began.

"Pah, 'tis a puzzle as ancient as yonder hills!" said Ethelfred scathingly. "All you have to do is take one of our riding-dogs over to the castle. Then there are 18 of the damn' things!"

"Yes, my husband, I understand the numerology, but ..."

"So the first son gets half that, which is 9; the second gets one-third, which is 6; the third son gets one-ninth, which is 2. That makes 17 altogether, and our own dog can be ridden back here!"

"Yes, my husband, but we have no one here who is manly enough to ride such a dog."

Sir Lunchalot seized his opportunity. "Sire, I will ride your dog!" The look of admiration in Gingerbere's eye showed him how shrewd his gallant gesture had been.

"Very well," said Ethelfred. "I will summon my houndsman and he will bring the animal to the courtyard, where we shall meet them."

They waited in an archway as the rain continued to fall. When the dog was led into the courtyard, Lunchalot's jaw dropped so far that it was a good job he had his helmet on. The animal was twice the size of an elephant, with thick striped fur, claws like broadswords, blazing red eyes the size of Lunchalot's shield, huge floppy ears dangling to the ground, and a tail like a pig's - only with more twists and covered in sharp spines. Rain cascaded off its coat in waterfalls. The smell was indescribable.

Perched improbably on its back was a saddle.

Gingerbere seemed even more shocked than he by the sight of this terrible monstrosity. However, Sir Lunchalot was undaunted. Nothing could daunt his confidence. Nothing could prevent a secret tryst with the Lady, once he returned astride the giant hound, the will executed in full. Except ...

Well, as it happened, Sir Lunchalot did not ride the monstrous dog to Lord Elpus's castle, and for all he knows the will has still not been executed. Instead, he leaped on his horse and rode off angrily into the stormy darkness, mortally offended, leaving Gingerbere to suffer the pangs of unrequited lust.

It wasn't Ethelfred's dodgy arithmetic - it was what the Lady had said to her husband in a stage whisper:

"Surely you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"

Daithi · 10-08-2011, 10:39 PM

Did anyone else have this image in their head while reading the above joke?

Lycoming · 10-09-2011, 02:26 PM

A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.

She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah, it looks like about six cups to me".

"Oh, good!", the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two with cream and sugar, two black and two decaf".

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming

Or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine... I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

10-07-2011, 09:02 AM	#3788
wannabee Media Bloke Posts: 2,382 Karma: 113956855 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: NSW - Australia Device: iOS	The funniest joke I ever heard Spoiler: Is too rude to post hahahahahah

10-07-2011, 01:29 PM	#3789
Graham Coulson Magic mushroom tester Posts: 91 Karma: 1794762 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Burgundy, France Device: iPad 2	Advertise it ! A London parish vicar thought that a spot of advertising for his church wouldn’t do any harm and so he erected a huge poster with the slogan: “IF YOU ARE TIRED OF SIN, PLEASE STEP INSIDE.” The next day, he saw written large underneath it: “But if not, telephone Mayfair 72106.”

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10-06-2011, 08:00 PM	#3781
Kayden Junior Member Posts: 9 Karma: 539424 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Midwest Device: Nook	I am not any good at telling jokes, but I sure like reading them. Thanks for making me laugh.

10-06-2011, 11:01 PM	#3782
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	"Give her another chance, give her another chance." Stitchawl , you are so dead!

10-07-2011, 03:07 AM	#3785
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

10-07-2011, 05:49 PM	#3791
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.

10-08-2011, 05:13 PM	#3792
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

10-08-2011, 09:13 PM	#3793
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	This comes from a book by Ian Stewart called "Professor Stewart's Cabinet of Mathematical Curiosities". (Stewart notes it is inspired in part by athe science fiction short story "Fall of Knight" by A Bertram Chandler, which appeared in Fantastic Universe magazine in 1958.) Brave Sir Lunchalot was travelling through foreign parts. Suddenly there was a flash of lightning and a deafening crack of thunder, and the rain started bucketing down. Fearing rust, he headed for the nearest shelter, Duke Ethelfred's castle. He arrived to find the Duke's wife, Lady Gingerbere, weeping piteously. Sir Lunchalot liked attractive young ladies, and for a brief moment he noticed a distinct glint through Gingerbere's tears. Ethelfred was very old and frail, he observed ... Only one thing he vowed would deter him from a secret tryst with the Lady - the one thing in all the world that he could not stand. Puns. Having greeted the Duke, Lunchalot enquired Gingerbere was so sad. "It is my uncle, Lord Elpus," she explained. "He died yesterday." "Permit me to offer my sincerest condolences," said Lunchalot. "That is not why I weep so ... so piteously, sir knight," replied Gingerbere. "My cousins Gord, Evan and Liddell are unable to fulfil the terms of uncle's will." "Why ever not?" "It seems that Lord Elpus invested the entire family fortune in a rare breed of giant riding-dogs. He owned 17 of them." Lunchalot had never heard of a riding-dog, but he did not wish to display his ignorance in front of such a lithesome lady. But this fear, it appeared, could be set to rest, for she said, "Although I have heard much of these animals, I myself have never set eyes on one." "They are no fit sight for a fair lady," said Ethelfred firmly. "And the terms of the will ...?" Lunchalot asked, to divert the direction of the conversation. "Ah, Lord Elpus left everything to his three sons. He decreed that Gord should receive half the dogs, Evan should receive one-third, and Liddell one-ninth." "Mmm. Could be messy." "No dog is to be subdivided, good knight." Lunchalot stiffened at the phrase 'good knight', but decided it had been uttered innocently and was not a pathetic attempt at humour. "Well ..." Lunchalot began. "Pah, 'tis a puzzle as ancient as yonder hills!" said Ethelfred scathingly. "All you have to do is take one of our riding-dogs over to the castle. Then there are 18 of the damn' things!" "Yes, my husband, I understand the numerology, but ..." "So the first son gets half that, which is 9; the second gets one-third, which is 6; the third son gets one-ninth, which is 2. That makes 17 altogether, and our own dog can be ridden back here!" "Yes, my husband, but we have no one here who is manly enough to ride such a dog." Sir Lunchalot seized his opportunity. "Sire, I will ride your dog!" The look of admiration in Gingerbere's eye showed him how shrewd his gallant gesture had been. "Very well," said Ethelfred. "I will summon my houndsman and he will bring the animal to the courtyard, where we shall meet them." They waited in an archway as the rain continued to fall. When the dog was led into the courtyard, Lunchalot's jaw dropped so far that it was a good job he had his helmet on. The animal was twice the size of an elephant, with thick striped fur, claws like broadswords, blazing red eyes the size of Lunchalot's shield, huge floppy ears dangling to the ground, and a tail like a pig's - only with more twists and covered in sharp spines. Rain cascaded off its coat in waterfalls. The smell was indescribable. Perched improbably on its back was a saddle. Gingerbere seemed even more shocked than he by the sight of this terrible monstrosity. However, Sir Lunchalot was undaunted. Nothing could daunt his confidence. Nothing could prevent a secret tryst with the Lady, once he returned astride the giant hound, the will executed in full. Except ... Well, as it happened, Sir Lunchalot did not ride the monstrous dog to Lord Elpus's castle, and for all he knows the will has still not been executed. Instead, he leaped on his horse and rode off angrily into the stormy darkness, mortally offended, leaving Gingerbere to suffer the pangs of unrequited lust. It wasn't Ethelfred's dodgy arithmetic - it was what the Lady had said to her husband in a stage whisper: "Surely you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"

10-08-2011, 10:39 PM	#3794
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	Did anyone else have this image in their head while reading the above joke?

10-09-2011, 02:26 PM	#3795
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah, it looks like about six cups to me". "Oh, good!", the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two with cream and sugar, two black and two decaf". She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming Or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken." A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine... I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.' The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.' She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'