Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 243

Lycoming · 09-16-2011, 04:31 PM

OLD WEST PHRASES . . . . . . . . . . . that Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"...

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride 'em cowboy!"

11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"

Fbone · 09-16-2011, 07:07 PM

My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Graham Coulson · 09-17-2011, 04:58 AM

He (to pretty young thing): "How do you like Kipling?"

She: "I don't know, you naughty boy. I've never kippled!"

Bookpossum · 09-17-2011, 09:57 PM

A man who had lived a very selfish life decided that he needed to reform his ways and do some good for others for a change. He wondered how he could do this, and decided he should visit sick people in hospital to cheer them up.

So he went along to the hospital at visiting time, and on looking round, saw one bed where there weren't any visitors and went over. He found an elderly Chinese man in an oxygen tent, who was looking very ill.

He stood by the bed and chatted to the man for a while, but didn't get any response. Then suddenly the patient looked very agitated and gestured for a pencil and pad that were lying on the table beside him.

The visitor handed these over, the Chinese man scribbled a something down in Chinese characters and fell back on the pillow looking dreadful.

The visitor stood there wondering what to do and eventually called over a nurse. But it was too late - the old man was dead.

So now the visitor had a piece of paper with Chinese characters on it that he couldn't read, and it seemed the old man did not have any family he could give it to. He felt it was important to get it translated as it was the old man's last message to the world.

He couldn't find an interpreter, but eventually had the bright idea of going to a Chinese laundry and asked for the owner.

"Can you read Chinese calligraphy?" he asked the owner of the laundry. The man said he could, so our hero handed over the precious message and asked whether the laundry man could read it.

"Oh yes," said the laundry man.

"Well, what does it say?"

"It says 'Take foot off oxygen tube' " replied the laundry man.

Fbone · 09-18-2011, 03:31 AM

My wife gives me sound advice. That's 99% sound and 1% advice.

wannabee · 09-18-2011, 10:42 AM

A spaniel went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

Daithi · 09-18-2011, 02:36 PM

A Pyrrhic Victory

I just got into an argument with my wife, and she said, "If you don't watch it I'll cut you off."

I couldn't help myself, and I shot back, "Good luck with that, you don't know where I'm getting it."

___________________________
It was a good line, and I was pleased with my self at the time, but I was also full of it. So, it turns out she does know where I was getting it.

Fbone · 09-18-2011, 09:20 PM

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

WT Sharpe · 09-18-2011, 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

You are so dead!

Fbone · 09-18-2011, 10:49 PM

A confirmed bachelor can get away with it

HomeInMyShoes · 09-19-2011, 02:22 PM

Not so much a joke, but it made me smile:

"When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago."
- John Frazee, in The Journal of Irreproducible Results -

Fbone · 09-19-2011, 03:43 PM

My wife is trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said I already did. She then told me to go and keep an eye on it.

WT Sharpe · 09-19-2011, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HomeInMyShoes

Not so much a joke, but it made me smile:

"When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago."
- John Frazee, in The Journal of Irreproducible Results -

I read a story like that in a comic book. In Alan Moore's Tomorrow Stories, issue #3 (20 October 1999), Jack B. Quick, child inventor, straps buttered toast on the backs of cats to create an anti-gravity device. When he drops them, they don't fall, but unfortunately their spinning tails carry them away. I wonder if that's where Moore got the idea, or was it stolen from him?

badgoodDeb · 09-19-2011, 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

I read a story like that in a comic book. In Alan Moore's Tomorrow Stories, issue #3 (20 October 1999), Jack B. Quick, child inventor, straps buttered toast on the backs of cats to create an anti-gravity device. When he drops them, they don't fall, but unfortunately their spinning tails carry them away. I wonder if that's where Moore got the idea, or was it stolen from him?

I think I've heard that long before Oct 1999 .... but I couldn't prove it!

HomeInMyShoes · 09-19-2011, 05:00 PM

^Because we can never have enough knowledge: APS Physics Letters. It seems like 1993 and Frazze is the winner, but I could be wrong.

Some of the other stuff is hilarious. I got to find this somewhere.

"If an infinite number of rednecks, riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks, fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille." (John A. Banker, Show Low, AZ)

09-17-2011, 04:58 AM	#3633
Graham Coulson Magic mushroom tester Posts: 91 Karma: 1794762 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Burgundy, France Device: iPad 2	A literary misunderstanding He (to pretty young thing): "How do you like Kipling?" She: "I don't know, you naughty boy. I've never kippled!"

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09-16-2011, 04:31 PM	#3631
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	OLD WEST PHRASES . . . . . . . . . . . that Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"... 1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!" 2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!" 3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before." 4. "Howdy, pardner." 5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind." 6. Two words: "Saddle Sore." 7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like." 8. "Let's mount up!" 9. "Nice spread ya got there!" 10. "Ride 'em cowboy!" 11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"

09-16-2011, 07:07 PM	#3632
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

09-17-2011, 09:57 PM	#3634
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	A man who had lived a very selfish life decided that he needed to reform his ways and do some good for others for a change. He wondered how he could do this, and decided he should visit sick people in hospital to cheer them up. So he went along to the hospital at visiting time, and on looking round, saw one bed where there weren't any visitors and went over. He found an elderly Chinese man in an oxygen tent, who was looking very ill. He stood by the bed and chatted to the man for a while, but didn't get any response. Then suddenly the patient looked very agitated and gestured for a pencil and pad that were lying on the table beside him. The visitor handed these over, the Chinese man scribbled a something down in Chinese characters and fell back on the pillow looking dreadful. The visitor stood there wondering what to do and eventually called over a nurse. But it was too late - the old man was dead. So now the visitor had a piece of paper with Chinese characters on it that he couldn't read, and it seemed the old man did not have any family he could give it to. He felt it was important to get it translated as it was the old man's last message to the world. He couldn't find an interpreter, but eventually had the bright idea of going to a Chinese laundry and asked for the owner. "Can you read Chinese calligraphy?" he asked the owner of the laundry. The man said he could, so our hero handed over the precious message and asked whether the laundry man could read it. "Oh yes," said the laundry man. "Well, what does it say?" "It says 'Take foot off oxygen tube' " replied the laundry man.

09-18-2011, 03:31 AM	#3635
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My wife gives me sound advice. That's 99% sound and 1% advice.

09-18-2011, 10:42 AM	#3636
wannabee Media Bloke Posts: 2,382 Karma: 113956855 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: NSW - Australia Device: iOS	A spaniel went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

09-18-2011, 02:36 PM	#3637
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	A Pyrrhic Victory I just got into an argument with my wife, and she said, "If you don't watch it I'll cut you off." I couldn't help myself, and I shot back, "Good luck with that, you don't know where I'm getting it." ___________________________ It was a good line, and I was pleased with my self at the time, but I was also full of it. So, it turns out she does know where I was getting it.

09-18-2011, 09:20 PM	#3638
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

09-18-2011, 10:49 PM	#3640
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A confirmed bachelor can get away with it

09-19-2011, 02:22 PM	#3641
HomeInMyShoes Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,226 Karma: 67780237 Join Date: Jul 2011 Device: none	Not so much a joke, but it made me smile: "When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago." - John Frazee, in The Journal of Irreproducible Results -

09-19-2011, 03:43 PM	#3642
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My wife is trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said I already did. She then told me to go and keep an eye on it.

09-19-2011, 05:00 PM	#3645
HomeInMyShoes Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,226 Karma: 67780237 Join Date: Jul 2011 Device: none	^Because we can never have enough knowledge: APS Physics Letters. It seems like 1993 and Frazze is the winner, but I could be wrong. Some of the other stuff is hilarious. I got to find this somewhere. "If an infinite number of rednecks, riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks, fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille." (John A. Banker, Show Low, AZ)