Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 241

PeterT · 09-14-2011, 09:14 PM

How do you get four giraffes in a mini?

You can't... it's full of elephants!

Graham Coulson · 09-15-2011, 02:10 AM

A little old lady was sitting in front of the fire with her favourite tomcat on her knee.

Suddenly, there was a bright flash, a loud bang and a fairy appeared out of the fire.

“Little old lady”, she said, “I can give you three wishes; what would you like?”

When she had recovered from the shock, the little old lady said, “First, I would like to be financially secure and live in a nice house for the rest of my life.”

The fairy waved her magic wand and the room was transformed into a luxurious drawing room, and on the table were sacks of gold.

“Next wish, please”, said the fairy.

Please make me young and beautiful”, said the little old lady, and she was immediately turned into a glamorous blonde.

“For my third wish, will you please turn my tomcat into a handsome young man?”

Immediately, standing before her was a fine specimen of manhood, who stepped forward and took the lady’s hand and kissed it, saying “Aren’t you sorry now that you had me seen to by the vet?”

Fbone · 09-15-2011, 02:46 AM

My great grandfather survived the sinking of the Titanic. He grabbed a bar of soap and washed himself ashore.

pdurrant · 09-15-2011, 03:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

What's grey, has four legs, a tail, and a trunk?

Spoiler:

What's brown, has four legs, a tail, and a trunk?

Spoiler:

Stitchawl · 09-15-2011, 05:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

What's brown, has four legs, a tail, and a trunk?

Spoiler:

Can we ask a Moderator to censure pdurrant? Or take up a collection and buy him some 'real' jokes?

Stitchawl

Graham Coulson · 09-15-2011, 05:49 AM

Yeah, I agree he needs HELP.

I haven't heard any from that genre of "joke" since about the 1970s, so I'll be glad to contribute!

How much do you want?

LazyScot · 09-15-2011, 06:02 AM

Very old, and probably already posted (and dug off the web):

ACCIDENT - Der bludimessen
BONNET - Pullenob und knucklechopper
BREATHALYSER - Die puffintem fur pistenarsen
CLUTCH - Die kuplink mit sclippen und schaken
CYCLIST - Der pedalpushink pillloken
ESTATE CAR - Der bagerroom fur shaggininauto
EXHAUST - Spitzenpoppen bangentuben
FOOTBRAKE - Der edbangeronvindschreen stoppenquick
GEAR LEVER - Biggensticken fur kangaroojumpen
HEADLIGHTS - Das dippendontdazzelubastad
HIGHWAY CODE - Der wipen fur arsen
INDICATORS - Die plinken tickentocken
JUGGERNAUT - Der fukkengretten trukken
LEARNER - Die twaten mit elplatz
NEAR ACCIDENT - Der fukken nearen schittenselfen
PARKING METER - Der tennerpinscher und klockenwerr
PUNCTURE - Die phlatt mit bludyfukken
SEATBELTS - Der klunkenklicker frauleintrapper
SKID - Der bannanan waltzen
SPEEDOMETER - Das Egoboozta mit Digitsundneedle
TYRES - Flattenfahrts
WINDSCREEN WIPER - Der flippenflappen muckenschpredder

Graham Coulson · 09-15-2011, 06:12 AM

A very keen golfer went on a cruise, which met with a violent storm. The ship was wrecked and the golfer was washed up on to a remote desert island. He was apparently the only survivor and was alone for about three days.

On the fourth day, a raft came into sight and on it was a glamorous, scantily clad young woman with a wonderful figure. In fact, she only had enough on to cover her confusion ! She stepped ashore and was warmly greeted by the lone golfer and they were soon getting on handsomely together.

The woman cuddled up to him and stroked his bare chest.

“Would you like to play around with me?” she whispered in his ear.

“I would very much,” replied the golfer, “but I’m afraid my clubs went down with the ship !”

pdurrant · 09-15-2011, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Can we ask a Moderator to censure pdurrant? Or take up a collection and buy him some 'real' jokes?

Someone else started with the elephant jokes. I just couldn't resist adding the ones I know.

yvanleterrible · 09-15-2011, 06:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Graham Coulson

A very keen golfer went on a cruise, which met with a violent storm. The ship was wrecked and the golfer was washed up on to a remote desert island. He was apparently the only survivor and was alone for about three days.

On the fourth day, a raft came into sight and on it was a glamorous, scantily clad young woman with a wonderful figure. In fact, she only had enough on to cover her confusion ! She stepped ashore and was warmly greeted by the lone golfer and they were soon getting on handsomely together.

The woman cuddled up to him and stroked his bare chest.

“Would you like to play around with me?” she whispered in his ear.

“I would very much,” replied the golfer, “but I’m afraid my clubs went down with the ship !”

What? Even the putter?

Graham Coulson · 09-15-2011, 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

Someone else started with the elephant jokes. I just couldn't resist adding the ones I know.

... but somehow they don't match the image I have of a be-monocled gent!

pdurrant · 09-15-2011, 06:23 AM

Here's a joke by Tim Vine

Crime in multi-storey car parks.

Spoiler:

pdurrant · 09-15-2011, 06:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Graham Coulson

... but somehow they don't match the image I have of a be-monocled gent!

Mice are naturally fond of elephant jokes.

Graham Coulson · 09-15-2011, 06:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

Mice are naturally fond of elephant jokes.

A huge elephant and a tiny mouse were in the same cage at the zoo.

The elephant was in a particularly ugly and truculent mood. Looking down at the mouse with disgust he trumpeted, "You're the puniest, the weakest, the most insignificant thing I've ever seen!"

"Well," piped the mouse in a plaintive squeak, "don't forget, I've been sick."

Graham Coulson · 09-15-2011, 06:42 AM

A young man was due to play golf with his girlfriend.

Before the game, he went to the professional’s shop and bought a couple of golf balls. He put them in his trouser pocket and went to join his girlfriend on the first tee.

She noticed the bulge in his pocket and asked him what it was.

“It’s only golf balls,” the young man replied.

“Oh,” she said, “I’m so sorry – is that something like tennis elbow?”

09-15-2011, 02:10 AM	#3602
Graham Coulson Magic mushroom tester Posts: 91 Karma: 1794762 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Burgundy, France Device: iPad 2	The Three Wishes A little old lady was sitting in front of the fire with her favourite tomcat on her knee. Suddenly, there was a bright flash, a loud bang and a fairy appeared out of the fire. “Little old lady”, she said, “I can give you three wishes; what would you like?” When she had recovered from the shock, the little old lady said, “First, I would like to be financially secure and live in a nice house for the rest of my life.” The fairy waved her magic wand and the room was transformed into a luxurious drawing room, and on the table were sacks of gold. “Next wish, please”, said the fairy. Please make me young and beautiful”, said the little old lady, and she was immediately turned into a glamorous blonde. “For my third wish, will you please turn my tomcat into a handsome young man?” Immediately, standing before her was a fine specimen of manhood, who stepped forward and took the lady’s hand and kissed it, saying “Aren’t you sorry now that you had me seen to by the vet?”

09-15-2011, 05:49 AM	#3606
Graham Coulson Magic mushroom tester Posts: 91 Karma: 1794762 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Burgundy, France Device: iPad 2	Collection for REAL jokes for Paul Durrant Yeah, I agree he needs HELP. I haven't heard any from that genre of "joke" since about the 1970s, so I'll be glad to contribute! How much do you want?

09-15-2011, 06:02 AM	#3607
LazyScot DSil Posts: 3,201 Karma: 6895096 Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Hants, UK Device: Kindle, Cybook	German Motoring Terms Very old, and probably already posted (and dug off the web): ACCIDENT - Der bludimessen BONNET - Pullenob und knucklechopper BREATHALYSER - Die puffintem fur pistenarsen CLUTCH - Die kuplink mit sclippen und schaken CYCLIST - Der pedalpushink pillloken ESTATE CAR - Der bagerroom fur shaggininauto EXHAUST - Spitzenpoppen bangentuben FOOTBRAKE - Der edbangeronvindschreen stoppenquick GEAR LEVER - Biggensticken fur kangaroojumpen HEADLIGHTS - Das dippendontdazzelubastad HIGHWAY CODE - Der wipen fur arsen INDICATORS - Die plinken tickentocken JUGGERNAUT - Der fukkengretten trukken LEARNER - Die twaten mit elplatz NEAR ACCIDENT - Der fukken nearen schittenselfen PARKING METER - Der tennerpinscher und klockenwerr PUNCTURE - Die phlatt mit bludyfukken SEATBELTS - Der klunkenklicker frauleintrapper SKID - Der bannanan waltzen SPEEDOMETER - Das Egoboozta mit Digitsundneedle TYRES - Flattenfahrts WINDSCREEN WIPER - Der flippenflappen muckenschpredder

09-15-2011, 06:12 AM	#3608
Graham Coulson Magic mushroom tester Posts: 91 Karma: 1794762 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Burgundy, France Device: iPad 2	A silly golf joke A very keen golfer went on a cruise, which met with a violent storm. The ship was wrecked and the golfer was washed up on to a remote desert island. He was apparently the only survivor and was alone for about three days. On the fourth day, a raft came into sight and on it was a glamorous, scantily clad young woman with a wonderful figure. In fact, she only had enough on to cover her confusion ! She stepped ashore and was warmly greeted by the lone golfer and they were soon getting on handsomely together. The woman cuddled up to him and stroked his bare chest. “Would you like to play around with me?” she whispered in his ear. “I would very much,” replied the golfer, “but I’m afraid my clubs went down with the ship !”

09-15-2011, 06:23 AM	#3612
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 74,433 Karma: 318076944 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Oasis	Here's a joke by Tim Vine Crime in multi-storey car parks. Spoiler: That is wrong on so many different levels.

09-14-2011, 09:14 PM	#3601
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,693 Karma: 79983758 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	How do you get four giraffes in a mini? You can't... it's full of elephants!

09-15-2011, 02:46 AM	#3603
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,313 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My great grandfather survived the sinking of the Titanic. He grabbed a bar of soap and washed himself ashore.

09-15-2011, 06:42 AM	#3615
Graham Coulson Magic mushroom tester Posts: 91 Karma: 1794762 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Burgundy, France Device: iPad 2	Another silly golf joke A young man was due to play golf with his girlfriend. Before the game, he went to the professional’s shop and bought a couple of golf balls. He put them in his trouser pocket and went to join his girlfriend on the first tee. She noticed the bulge in his pocket and asked him what it was. “It’s only golf balls,” the young man replied. “Oh,” she said, “I’m so sorry – is that something like tennis elbow?”

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