Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 239

Fbone · 09-12-2011, 02:50 AM

Here we have 2 similes and a metaphor.

"Thy soul was like a Star, and dwelt apart;
Thou hadst a voice whose sound was like the sea;--"

"Unruffled doth the blue lake lie,
The mountains looking on";

pdurrant · 09-12-2011, 08:24 AM

In another thread, I posted:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dylrob

Ugh, why can't English be a more phonetically consistent language?.

After a review of the expense of the translation of official documents into all the languages of the much expended EU, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will become the official language of the European Union. The surprise result of the review was apparently due to the Germans voting with the UK government.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government have conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropt from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Lycoming · 09-12-2011, 02:38 PM

OLD WEST PHRASES . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . that Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"...

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

11. "I reckon this might hurt a little"

A man from Texas was over in Louisiana, and wound up down in Terrebonne Parish, at a local bar. He heard there was an old voodooo woman who could make or remove curses, and he went on out to see her. He asked her if she could remove from him the curse he had been living with for the past forty years.

She replied, "I kin sure do that, but for it to work you gotta tell me the exact words that were used to put it on you. Remember back if you can.."

He immediately replied, "I now pronounce you man and wife!"

badgoodDeb · 09-12-2011, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Johnson fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

I imagine you've all heard of the "most awful opening sentence" competition? Well, there is also a "most awful comparison" competition. I've seen these there! However, do keep posting them Fbone -- they are a joy to read separately. When one reads through the whole list, they are exhausting, and no longer funny.

astra · 09-12-2011, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

After a review of the expense of the translation of official documents into all the languages of the much expended EU, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will become the official language of the European Union. The surprise result of the review was apparently due to the Germans voting with the UK government.

I got this one in email.
Could not stop

Fbone · 09-12-2011, 09:35 PM

My parents worked hard to give us everything money could not buy.

Ajax · 09-12-2011, 09:42 PM

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to color her hair so she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, the farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Ajax · 09-12-2011, 09:44 PM

A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One."
The boss says "Just one?! Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$121,237.65."
The boss says "$121,237.65? What in the world did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a larger fish hook. Next, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

Fbone · 09-13-2011, 04:34 AM

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

yvanleterrible · 09-13-2011, 06:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

That's the nature of forums...

Fbone · 09-13-2011, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

That's the nature of forums...

Fbone · 09-13-2011, 06:08 PM

My pregnant girlfriend reminds me of a burned cake. I wish I had removed it a minute earlier.

PeterT · 09-13-2011, 06:11 PM

My brother & I were flying kites when a man walks up and asks, "y'all flying kites?" I looked at him straight faced and said, "Nope! We're fishing for birds!"

yvanleterrible · 09-13-2011, 07:04 PM

Could a birder man be birding for fish?

Bookpossum · 09-13-2011, 09:37 PM

A jealous husband was sure his wife was cheating on him, and used to come home from work at different times of the day to try to catch her out, but never could. Eventually he decided the only time he hadn't tried was straight after he had left for work.

So he drove round the block and dashed back in to the house shouting "OK, I know you've got your lover here somewhere. Where is he?" His wife, who was sitting on the couch reading a book, just rolled her eyes and said nothing.

He rushed round the house checking each room, and when he was in the kitchen, heard a sound outside the door. It was the milkman delivering milk. (This is a pretty old joke!).

"It's the milkman!" shouted the husband in a rage, and with a superhuman effort, picked up the refrigerator and hurled it out the window onto the milkman, squashing him flat.

In the twinkling of an eye, the milkman was knocking on the pearly gate. St Peter let him in and asked "What happened to you?" "I don't know," said the milkman, "I was just delivering the milk and someone threw a refrigerator at me." So St Peter sent him off to find a nice soft cloud.

Just then, there was another knock at the gate. It was the jealous husband, who had had a heart attack from the effort of picking up the refrigerator. St Peter brought him in after hearing the whole sad story.

Yet another knock at the gate and St Peter bustled to open it. There stood a man in a very battered condition.

"What happened to you?" asked St Peter.

"Well," said the man, "I was hiding in this refrigerator ..."

09-12-2011, 09:42 PM	#3577
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to color her hair so she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country. After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157." The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, the farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" Last edited by Ajax; 09-12-2011 at 09:44 PM.

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09-12-2011, 02:50 AM	#3571
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Here we have 2 similes and a metaphor. "Thy soul was like a Star, and dwelt apart; Thou hadst a voice whose sound was like the sea;--" "Unruffled doth the blue lake lie, The mountains looking on";

09-12-2011, 02:38 PM	#3573
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	OLD WEST PHRASES . . . . . . . . . . . . . . that Will Never Sound The Same After "Brokeback Mountain"... 1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!" 2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!" 3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before." 4. "Howdy, pardner." 5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind." 6. Two words: "Saddle Sore." 7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like." 8. "Let's mount up!" 9. "Nice spread ya got there!" 10. "Ride'em cowboy!" 11. "I reckon this might hurt a little" A man from Texas was over in Louisiana, and wound up down in Terrebonne Parish, at a local bar. He heard there was an old voodooo woman who could make or remove curses, and he went on out to see her. He asked her if she could remove from him the curse he had been living with for the past forty years. She replied, "I kin sure do that, but for it to work you gotta tell me the exact words that were used to put it on you. Remember back if you can.." He immediately replied, "I now pronounce you man and wife!"

09-12-2011, 09:35 PM	#3576
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My parents worked hard to give us everything money could not buy.

09-12-2011, 09:44 PM	#3578
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid says "One." The boss says "Just one?! Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$121,237.65." The boss says "$121,237.65? What in the world did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a larger fish hook. Next, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

09-13-2011, 04:34 AM	#3579
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

09-13-2011, 06:08 PM	#3582
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My pregnant girlfriend reminds me of a burned cake. I wish I had removed it a minute earlier.

09-13-2011, 06:11 PM	#3583
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,541 Karma: 78910202 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	My brother & I were flying kites when a man walks up and asks, "y'all flying kites?" I looked at him straight faced and said, "Nope! We're fishing for birds!"

09-13-2011, 07:04 PM	#3584
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	Could a birder man be birding for fish?

09-13-2011, 09:37 PM	#3585
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	A jealous husband was sure his wife was cheating on him, and used to come home from work at different times of the day to try to catch her out, but never could. Eventually he decided the only time he hadn't tried was straight after he had left for work. So he drove round the block and dashed back in to the house shouting "OK, I know you've got your lover here somewhere. Where is he?" His wife, who was sitting on the couch reading a book, just rolled her eyes and said nothing. He rushed round the house checking each room, and when he was in the kitchen, heard a sound outside the door. It was the milkman delivering milk. (This is a pretty old joke!). "It's the milkman!" shouted the husband in a rage, and with a superhuman effort, picked up the refrigerator and hurled it out the window onto the milkman, squashing him flat. In the twinkling of an eye, the milkman was knocking on the pearly gate. St Peter let him in and asked "What happened to you?" "I don't know," said the milkman, "I was just delivering the milk and someone threw a refrigerator at me." So St Peter sent him off to find a nice soft cloud. Just then, there was another knock at the gate. It was the jealous husband, who had had a heart attack from the effort of picking up the refrigerator. St Peter brought him in after hearing the whole sad story. Yet another knock at the gate and St Peter bustled to open it. There stood a man in a very battered condition. "What happened to you?" asked St Peter. "Well," said the man, "I was hiding in this refrigerator ..."