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Old 09-07-2011, 04:06 PM   #3541
James_Wilde
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I love 'em Fbone. Where do you get them from? Are they your own?
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Old 09-07-2011, 04:45 PM   #3542
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A cardiologist died.. and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:39 PM   #3543
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by James_Wilde View Post
I love 'em Fbone. Where do you get them from? Are they your own?
No, I'm not at all witty or creative. These are what I've read recently mostly received from others.


John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:11 PM   #3544
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Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendar ends there because some
Spanish dirtbags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
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Old 09-07-2011, 08:14 PM   #3545
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A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
A s they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing!!"
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Old 09-08-2011, 06:18 AM   #3546
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fbone View Post
No, I'm not at all witty or creative. These are what I've read recently mostly received from others.
Sorry to hear that, I come here only to read you!

There's alway a certain angle with a freshness you write that beats the pants off most of the jokes we keep rereading in this thread.

If you keep it up I'll be faithful. (that's what any spouse should say)

Thank you!
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Old 09-08-2011, 07:04 AM   #3547
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycoming View Post
A cardiologist died.. and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.
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Old 09-08-2011, 07:05 AM   #3548
WT Sharpe
Bah, humbug!
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...John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Great analogy!
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Old 09-08-2011, 09:24 PM   #3549
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yvanleterrible View Post
Sorry to hear that, I come here only to read you!

There's alway a certain angle with a freshness you write that beats the pants off most of the jokes we keep rereading in this thread.

If you keep it up I'll be faithful. (that's what any spouse should say)

Thank you!
Oh, so sorry to disappoint

I cannot construct a coherent sentence and this is why I greatly appreciate word artistry and witticism. Many of the books I read are by authors that display such talent. Excellent word skills can sometimes excuse a rather unimaginative plot.
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Old 09-08-2011, 09:28 PM   #3550
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Another tortured simile or is it metaphor?

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
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Old 09-09-2011, 07:23 AM   #3551
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Old 09-09-2011, 07:36 AM   #3552
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Leif the Viking comes home from a hard week's pillaging to discover that he's been taken off the town register. Furious, he complains to the town council - "How dare you remove my name?" "Sorry, sorry", says the official, "I must have taken Leif off my census!"
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Old 09-09-2011, 02:27 PM   #3553
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Two women walking home after a night out are caught short and slip into a graveyard.

One wipes herself with her panties while the other uses a wreath.

The next day their husbands are having a drink in the pub.

One says I'd better watch my wife she came home last night with no panties on.

The other says that's nothing. Mine had a card wedged in her ass saying "We'll never forget you ... from all the boys at the fire station" !!
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Old 09-09-2011, 06:02 PM   #3554
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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Johnson fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
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Old 09-10-2011, 03:58 AM   #3555
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Originally Posted by Fbone View Post
Another tortured simile or is it metaphor?

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
When I was young I learnt that a simile incorporates the word 'like'. A metaphor does not. A bit oversimplified, perhaps...

The difference in time between Jeopardy at home and away - half an hour - makes me think you must be Canadian, Fbone. Canada is the only country I know where some parts are in a time zone which is not a whole number of hours different from other parts of the country. Are you from Newfoundland?

A few seconds later: I feel dumb. I chose a new style for viewing postings, which moves the location information to the right, so I didn't see the NJ. Still NJ is very close to NFL.

Last edited by James_Wilde; 09-10-2011 at 04:01 AM.
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