Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 232

Fbone · 08-18-2011, 05:14 PM

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

Ajax · 08-18-2011, 07:51 PM

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch a speeding driver, a Highway Patrolman sees a car puttering along at 22kph. He says to himself "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster".

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies- two in the front seats and three in the back- wide eyes and white as ghosts.

The driver obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am" the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No Sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two kilometres an hour." The old woman says proudly.

The Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Highway 189"

PeterT · 08-18-2011, 11:17 PM

Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.

Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it...

Fbone · 08-19-2011, 02:14 AM

My day is not complete until I terrify a complete stranger.

Bikeridr · 08-19-2011, 03:32 AM

There are 10 groups of people in the world:
Those who understands the binary numeral system and those who don't.

Lycoming · 08-19-2011, 09:16 AM

Angelo's an Italian business man, he gets very rich, and decides he wants to meet the Pope. He buys himself a beautiul new suit, goes to Vatican City, and stands on the right side of the path the Pope walks to The Vatican each day. The Pope comes walking along, passes right by Angelo, and then appraoches a very scraggly homeless man on the left. The Pope holds his head gently, and whispers in his ear.
Angelo thinks to himself, "Of course. Like Jesus, the Pope befriends the poor and downtrodden." He goes over to the homeless man and tells him if they can switch clothes for the next day he can keep the expensive suit. And the homeless guy agrees, because it helps the joke.

The next day they've switched clothes and are in each other's places. The Pope walks right past the homeless man on the right in the nice suit, and approaches Angelo on the left, who looks homeless.

The Pope takes Angelo's head gently into his hands and whispers in his ear, "I thought I told you yesterday to get the **** out of here."

Ajax · 08-19-2011, 10:11 AM

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live In America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers......

"What part did you get?"

Bikeridr · 08-19-2011, 11:06 AM

Everybody should believe in something.
I believe I need a beer.

benham · 08-19-2011, 01:07 PM

I'll drink to that.

Fbone · 08-19-2011, 04:34 PM

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I've only been jogging once and feel ten years older already.

Fbone · 08-20-2011, 04:51 PM

My ex-husband was temperamental: 90% temper and 10% mental.

orlok · 08-20-2011, 05:04 PM

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you ALL my business!"

That's when she shot him.

Fbone · 08-21-2011, 02:37 PM

My family knows how dangerous my cooking is. Why else would grace last 45 minutes?

Fbone · 08-22-2011, 01:58 PM

My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"?

I said, "At the first sight of what"?

Ajax · 08-23-2011, 09:22 AM

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.

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08-18-2011, 05:14 PM	#3466
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

08-18-2011, 07:51 PM	#3467
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch a speeding driver, a Highway Patrolman sees a car puttering along at 22kph. He says to himself "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster". So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies- two in the front seats and three in the back- wide eyes and white as ghosts. The driver obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am" the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No Sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two kilometres an hour." The old woman says proudly. The Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Highway 189"

08-18-2011, 11:17 PM	#3468
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,545 Karma: 79436716 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it...

08-19-2011, 02:14 AM	#3469
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My day is not complete until I terrify a complete stranger.

08-19-2011, 03:32 AM	#3470
Bikeridr Information Acquirer Posts: 436 Karma: 4265156 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Latvia, Rigas Rajons Device: Kindle 3 International, Pocketbook Color	There are 10 groups of people in the world: Those who understands the binary numeral system and those who don't.

08-19-2011, 09:16 AM	#3471
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Angelo's an Italian business man, he gets very rich, and decides he wants to meet the Pope. He buys himself a beautiul new suit, goes to Vatican City, and stands on the right side of the path the Pope walks to The Vatican each day. The Pope comes walking along, passes right by Angelo, and then appraoches a very scraggly homeless man on the left. The Pope holds his head gently, and whispers in his ear. Angelo thinks to himself, "Of course. Like Jesus, the Pope befriends the poor and downtrodden." He goes over to the homeless man and tells him if they can switch clothes for the next day he can keep the expensive suit. And the homeless guy agrees, because it helps the joke. The next day they've switched clothes and are in each other's places. The Pope walks right past the homeless man on the right in the nice suit, and approaches Angelo on the left, who looks homeless. The Pope takes Angelo's head gently into his hands and whispers in his ear, "I thought I told you yesterday to get the **** out of here."

08-19-2011, 10:11 AM	#3472
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live In America, we might as well do as the Americans do." As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers...... "What part did you get?"

08-19-2011, 11:06 AM	#3473
Bikeridr Information Acquirer Posts: 436 Karma: 4265156 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Latvia, Rigas Rajons Device: Kindle 3 International, Pocketbook Color	Everybody should believe in something. I believe I need a beer.

08-19-2011, 01:07 PM	#3474
benham Guru Posts: 882 Karma: 5565888 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Townsend, WI Device: Palm TX, PRS-505 (BLUE)	I'll drink to that.

08-19-2011, 04:34 PM	#3475
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I've only been jogging once and feel ten years older already.

08-20-2011, 04:51 PM	#3476
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My ex-husband was temperamental: 90% temper and 10% mental.

08-20-2011, 05:04 PM	#3477
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you ALL my business!" That's when she shot him.

08-21-2011, 02:37 PM	#3478
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My family knows how dangerous my cooking is. Why else would grace last 45 minutes?

08-22-2011, 01:58 PM	#3479
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?

08-23-2011, 09:22 AM	#3480
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.' 'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.