Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Sparrow]

From http://mycleanhumor.com/

The Concept of Marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl — cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so" she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

[Laz116]

A mother was in the kitchen from where she could hear her son play with his toy train in the living room. She noticed that the train stopped and heard the kid say: "All you mean assholes who wants to get off the train should get the hell out immediately. And as for the idiots who's getting aboard, lift your asses we have to get going".

shocked by the language the woman rushes to the living room: "We don't use that kind of language in this house. As punishment go to your room for two hours. Afterwards you can play with your train again if you mind your language."

Two hours later the kid is once again playing with his train. The train stops and she hears her son say: "To all the passengers about to leave the train, thank you for travelling with us and please do remember all your luggage. We hope you have had a pleasant journey." The boy continues: " To our new travellers I wish to welcome you aboard. Please find a seat before we continue."

The mother starts a proud smile until she hear the continuation: "And if any of you assholes are pissed that we are running with a two hour delay today, you can take it up with the fat bitch in the kitchen".

[Jaime_Astorga]

A kid asks his father what was the difference between "potential" and "actual." So his father tells him to go and ask his mother if she would accept to make sleep with a complete stranger, should he pay her a million dollars. His mother said said "of course I would do it." The kid returned and informed his dad. His father nods, and sends him to ask his sister the same question. His sister replies "naturally" and so he comes back and tells his dad. His father responds "Do you see now? Potentially, we have two million dollars in the bank, but what we actually have is a couple of whores sitting at home."

[Over]

A woman, at a dentist:
- I don't know what is worse. Giving birth or taking out a tooth!
- Just decide, ma'am, so that I can position the chair correctly.

[Verencat]

I just received that one. Please note you can change the names at will to fit your particular political beliefs!

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[Wetdogeared]

*moved*

[columbus]

This sums up quite concisely what is happening to pensioners in the UK at the moment.
(Non UK readers add your own origin. )

From the office of the Prime Minister
10 Downing Street
London SW1

Dear People of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown

[columbus]

(not meant to be in any way racist - substitute whatever you want for Irish !)

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment
when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing
standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Well, me boys, someone
got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell
him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.

Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares,
"Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

[Jaime_Astorga]

Okay, so Farrah Fawcett dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets her, and then says "because you were such a good person, you are going to be granted one wish, which you may use to make life better for those left back on Earth."

So she thinks about it carefully for a few moments and then declares "I want all the children in the world to be safe!"

And a few hours later, Michael Jackson collapsed.

[B1gAl]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let
alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like
that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my
cupboard now'!!

[doreenjoy]

Totally off color joke here ... you have been warned!



Did you hear that the toxicology reports are back for Michael Jackson, and he died of food poisoning.

They say he'd been eating 12-year-old wieners.

[columbus]

Originally Posted by doreenjoy;

Totally off color joke here ... you have been warned!



Did you hear that the toxicology reports are back for Michael Jackson, and he died of food poisoning.

They say he'd been eating 12-year-old wieners.

Groan!!!!

[Jaime_Astorga]

What does Michael Jackson like best about twenty six year olds?

There are twenty of them!

[pshrynk]

I'm gonna put in a request that we not go further with the "zinger" jokes about dead people. They are funny to some, but totally lacking in taste. Thanks!

[benham]

I agree, bad form.